i need some ani.
do you have any idea how sad i am right now journal? um... hello? i'm writing again... that should tell you something. i was reading the last post i entered a lil over a year ago and i smiled. my life has changed so much since then, as have i. i feel so lost. like i don't know who i am anymore. i really don't. i'm funny, yes ok, but all this other stuff? i just don't know. if you would take a look at my person 3 years ago and compare her to me, you would see two very different people. i was talking to jonathan the other day and even he said that i've changed. he's like "what ever happened to that girl that use to be vp of a book club and use to go to marches and rallies? what happened to the girl that didn't care what ppl thought of her, and actually stood up for what she believed?" he's right. i've become this unrecognizable person and its one, scaring the fuck out of me, and two confusing the fuck out of me. i wish i were happy again. dj said that one of the reasons he left me was cause i've been unhappy in our relationship for a while now. he's right. that doesn't mean that i don't want to be with him though. i wish we could have worked it out but you can't MAKE someone love you. i begged him to give us another chance. it was and is so easy for him just to let me go. i can't tell you how many times a day i have to fight back the tears or how many times my eyes swell. the only time that i'm happy is when i hang out with chuy. he's so funny. i have so much fun with him! as soon as we stop hanging out, i go back to thinking about deej and that heavy sad feeling returns to my chest. the morning sucks shit. i cry daily in the shower then i go to work and feel better. don't even get me started on the evenings though. i can't deal, i just can't fucking deal. if i'm not with chuy i'm drugged the fuck out. paxil? yes please. thanx bitch. you know what gets me most journal? the fucking memories. they kill me. fuck, i just started crying!!! ah! AND IT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF THAT I CRY!!!! I FUCKING HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME. he's so selfish. i know that deep inside, he's looking forward to being single so he can do his music/traveling thing. thats the real reason y he left. its like he was looking for any excuse to leave and he saw a way out with the rape thing. let me not get fucking started on that shit. i think about it daily. i see them on me, around me the horrid things they were doing to me and i know that dj thinks i'm lying to him about it, or that i'm leaving something out. he literaly said "how is it possible that they would do stuff to you and you would say stop and they would just leave?" wtf? because i was physically fighting them off! they would leave, i would pass out, they would see that opportunity, come back in and start all over... that's how asshole! i can't even believe that he would doubt me! that's not love. i wish i could stop loving him. i wish that i didn't have this hope inside of me that he's gonna regret leaving me and come back. if he did i would take him back in a heartbeat. " i don't want you to get your hopes up" my heart hurts. i wish i could go back to that night. i wish i could go back to a week before that night. but what's the point right? its better that i find out now that he doesn't love me than later. "i don't want to be with you anymore" "i don't feel it anymore" that's what i get after two years of devotion, that's what i get for leaving my family behind, that's what i get for giving up on a career for a man that i thought loved me. after a horrid sexual assault by idk how many guys. i'm dumb, i'm stupid i'm nothing.