HEARD IT ALL BEFORE
"I'm so tired of staring at the wall, but i know i've got to put you down. i keep trying to make sense of it all, but i keep going round and round"
Journal, i'm freaking out. i have a feeling that it's just me though. you know how i get crazy. dj is like, playing shows all week, and he hasn't been calling me as he usually does. not even a txt or anything. like yesterday i spoke to him maybe 3 times. i txtd him and he didn't reply. then this morning i txtd him this really sweet txt and he didn't reply. wtf??? is he just busy. i mean, how busy do you have to be to reply to a txt. its just not like him. i don't know. we fought like crazy this past wk end. its so rare... we never fight. idk, he said that he's getting use to me. wtf? i'm use to him too, but its not a bad thing. i love being with him, it just means that the honeymoon stage is over. now, the relationship is going to be so much more interesting. i love him. we want to get married... but i have to be sure this time. i HAVE to be sure he's the one. i really want him to be... but i don't know how to deal with his "playing shows" and his busy schedule. its really hard. it makes me feel insecure, i don't like to feel like that. i spoke to theresa yesterday, she said that i'm trippin and that i should take it one day at a time. i'm trying to, but its hard. ok, how do you go from calling someone every morning to just stopping?
k, he just called. guess what... my birthday is coming up. yup, the 21 of dec. so, the plan was that he was going to come out on the 20th and we were going to go to santa barbara, then on the 21st, we were going to spend it with my family, then on the 22 we were just going to chill, and he was going to go home. well, that WAS the plan. he just called and "asked" if it was ok if he could just come out on the 21st cuz he has to record with his friend. wtf? "ask?" oh yeah, like i'm going to be like, "no, you can't! you HAVE to come and see me, like a normal boyfriend would. you can't just put your stupid friends band in front of me. you can't always put me on the back burner of everything. do you know how excited i was? do you know how much it hurts that you put others in front of me? do my tears mean nothing to you?" yeah, i can't just say that... besides, he shouldn't even be asking me... he should have just said no. he should have known better... he should have just told him no. if he really cared, he wouldn't leave it up to me. HE was coming to see me, HE made the decision on his own to come. i didn't ask him to come out. just how he made the decision on his own, he should have had the balls to just tell me, "um... sorry babe, i really love you and all, but i'm not gonna be able to go out and spend as much time with you as i had planned." i hate him. that's what he wants, he would rather record than come out to see me. its not a big deal... its JUST my b-day. journal, i haven't felt this way in a long time... i want to get stoned. i really want to smoke some weed and get high. not think of all this bullshit. do i really ask for that much? am i demanding like other girls? i don't think so. he's so selfish. i've never met anyone that selfish before. this is not going to work. i say that with a heavy heart. up until now, i've never had that thought go through my head, never. i'm not that sure anymore. i can't keep getting hurt. what do i do to prevent that from happening? do i just stop caring? do i let him be. i hate feeling like i'm keeping him tied down. i feel like he wants to be free, and i'm a burden on that freedom. it shouldn't be that way. "i need something to help me sleep when i know that your no good for me, and i need something i can keep, from that empty space in between." i hate being weak. he has no clue... what its like to love him so much, and have it taken for granted. he doesn't know what love is, everything concerning love is superficial for him. the thought of dispiriting my soul does not affect him in any way. i guess no relationship is perfect. before, i didn't mind not spending that much time with him... what has changed? i need to let him go. let him do what he wants. i love him that much. i wish he knew and understood how much. selflessness, that's love. idk, i'm starting to annoy myself. self-pity is truly disgusting.
Journal, i'm freaking out. i have a feeling that it's just me though. you know how i get crazy. dj is like, playing shows all week, and he hasn't been calling me as he usually does. not even a txt or anything. like yesterday i spoke to him maybe 3 times. i txtd him and he didn't reply. then this morning i txtd him this really sweet txt and he didn't reply. wtf??? is he just busy. i mean, how busy do you have to be to reply to a txt. its just not like him. i don't know. we fought like crazy this past wk end. its so rare... we never fight. idk, he said that he's getting use to me. wtf? i'm use to him too, but its not a bad thing. i love being with him, it just means that the honeymoon stage is over. now, the relationship is going to be so much more interesting. i love him. we want to get married... but i have to be sure this time. i HAVE to be sure he's the one. i really want him to be... but i don't know how to deal with his "playing shows" and his busy schedule. its really hard. it makes me feel insecure, i don't like to feel like that. i spoke to theresa yesterday, she said that i'm trippin and that i should take it one day at a time. i'm trying to, but its hard. ok, how do you go from calling someone every morning to just stopping?
k, he just called. guess what... my birthday is coming up. yup, the 21 of dec. so, the plan was that he was going to come out on the 20th and we were going to go to santa barbara, then on the 21st, we were going to spend it with my family, then on the 22 we were just going to chill, and he was going to go home. well, that WAS the plan. he just called and "asked" if it was ok if he could just come out on the 21st cuz he has to record with his friend. wtf? "ask?" oh yeah, like i'm going to be like, "no, you can't! you HAVE to come and see me, like a normal boyfriend would. you can't just put your stupid friends band in front of me. you can't always put me on the back burner of everything. do you know how excited i was? do you know how much it hurts that you put others in front of me? do my tears mean nothing to you?" yeah, i can't just say that... besides, he shouldn't even be asking me... he should have just said no. he should have known better... he should have just told him no. if he really cared, he wouldn't leave it up to me. HE was coming to see me, HE made the decision on his own to come. i didn't ask him to come out. just how he made the decision on his own, he should have had the balls to just tell me, "um... sorry babe, i really love you and all, but i'm not gonna be able to go out and spend as much time with you as i had planned." i hate him. that's what he wants, he would rather record than come out to see me. its not a big deal... its JUST my b-day. journal, i haven't felt this way in a long time... i want to get stoned. i really want to smoke some weed and get high. not think of all this bullshit. do i really ask for that much? am i demanding like other girls? i don't think so. he's so selfish. i've never met anyone that selfish before. this is not going to work. i say that with a heavy heart. up until now, i've never had that thought go through my head, never. i'm not that sure anymore. i can't keep getting hurt. what do i do to prevent that from happening? do i just stop caring? do i let him be. i hate feeling like i'm keeping him tied down. i feel like he wants to be free, and i'm a burden on that freedom. it shouldn't be that way. "i need something to help me sleep when i know that your no good for me, and i need something i can keep, from that empty space in between." i hate being weak. he has no clue... what its like to love him so much, and have it taken for granted. he doesn't know what love is, everything concerning love is superficial for him. the thought of dispiriting my soul does not affect him in any way. i guess no relationship is perfect. before, i didn't mind not spending that much time with him... what has changed? i need to let him go. let him do what he wants. i love him that much. i wish he knew and understood how much. selflessness, that's love. idk, i'm starting to annoy myself. self-pity is truly disgusting.