i wonder.
This is the kind of entry when I'm in the "I-don't-know-if-I'm-upset-or-angry-but-I-can't-really-be-bothered-kind" of mood.
Maybe I am upset.
Maybe I am frustrated.
Maybe I am feeling hurt.
Maybe I am harboring ill thoughts.
Maybe, maybe....
I am just having one of those moments.
Today has been a day of little excitement.
A day I though would be simple and sweet.
But it failed to be so.
Slept in this morning, though I really should have been at the ICA building to get my passport updated should I wanna travel next week.
With all the emotions sending me on a roller coaster ride,
I just slept..
and slept..
and slept.
I didn't wake up till much later at noon.
Even watching cartoons on the television didn't exactly made me feel better.
Thank goodness for Etty's sms all the way from Indonesia.
Sometimes, I'm delighted for friends from way back,
like Etty herself, remembers me.
We were colleagues in Foi's when I was working part time after my O' Levels.
That was way back in 2005.
We even moved from the outlet in United Square to CentrePoint together.
Those were the days.
Since then, she has left Singapore for Hong Kong and we shared few sms-es before losing contact.
Several attempts to contact her fell through.
It was only till this morning that I got her sms.
She's coming back this October and we're gonna meet up.
I'm glad in that very sense that sometimes,
distance does brings people closer,
and makes us cherish what we do not usually have.
But yet, there are things that I wish that aren't true to what I thought it would be.
Sometimes, I hope that my gut feeling ain't what they are.
And what I think would be, wouldn't be.
Simply said, I just wish he wasn't as fast to disappear as I thought it would be.
I'd rather not have those short-lived moments of joy that makes these grueling moments of awaiting miserable.
That aside, I headed to have something red done up today.
The application for my new passport that I had gone to apply for this afternoon is pending approval.
I'm awaiting for collection on Saturday morning so that I can go ahead with my travel plans.
I'm feeling so broke already.
Sighs.
That aside, I did something really wrong today.
I felt damn guilty.
But hey, who's to judge anyway?
Anyway, after application for the renewal of my passport.
I strolled.
I came to realize that I enjoy walking around alone.
I had lunch/tea break @ Hans, National Library.
Having shared a table with an uncle as there were no tables around.
He started chatting with me.
It was really awkward.
I don't know how he managed to ignore/overlook my signs of discomfort and disinterest in his words.
Nonetheless, thank goodness for my mobile and endless stream of sms-es.
He bid me farewell.
I had a good read at the basement of the library,
alongside many others who had pretty much nothing to do on a Tuesday afternoon.
I was reading, and pondering too.
Several thoughts filled my mind.
It seemed to only worsen the sadness I was going through.
Nonetheless, I spent the time in the library in peace,
other then my mobile playing my favourite track,
I completed yet another novel.
The Ex-Factor by Andrea Semple.
Having which, I headed to Tiong Bahru.
I thought I was really good with directions.
(I'm no directionless idiot.)
I simply boarded a bus, according to the map provided by Singapore Land Transport Authority,
I headed for my destination.
Against my better judgment,
the map was wrong.
I kind of 'lost' my way and was getting late.
I had no choice but to hail a cab for a distance of several blocks away.
The actual location was actually just a street away.
Damn.
Nonetheless, the money is necessarily spent,
especially since this is my first lesson.
My student is a cutie pie man.
Damn. Thing is, we're right here wishing for something.
A miracle.
Nonetheless, I tried.
But well, thing is, 1 month to cram for 2 subjects of which he scored F9 through out the year is fcuked.
We must be praying for some kind of miracle.
I'm at fault for not exactly knowing what to do,
especially having since left secondary school some 3 years ago.
But this guy is serious man.
Addition is an issue.
Multiplication is a problem.
Let alone playing with mathematical formulas.
Deep inside, I was screaming out loud.
Maybe questions were like Greek to me, Alien to him.
Like this:
Damn. It was damn horrible.
Endless calls from the coordinator and parent made me more anxious than ever.
HELLO! Who's the one who told me I couldn't use my mobile during lessons?
Why the hell are you expecting my reply to your calls/sms-es then?
Fcuk.
I am frustrated.
I am praying.
I am wishing for a miracle to occur.
But thing is, it is highly unlikely that a miracle will occur.
I am on the verge of breaking down.
I am on the verge of going bonkers.
I am on the verge of giving leeway to insanity.
I am frustrated.
i am upset.
I am lost.
I am dejected.
I am revengeful.
I am living in denial.
I am screaming out loud.
I am crying out for help.
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
losing myself.
