Take these broken wings (and learn to fly)
I have another ficlet for you guys! This time it's a prequel to my fic You Were Only Waiting For This Moment to Be Free wherein Brendon is Jon and Ryan's son. I blame this all on spindlelimbs because she read the original and was all "I want fic about what happens before they have Brendon!" and I can't say no to her so, this happened.
It's not necessary to read the other piece to understand this one but it helps.
Warning; for a mpreg and a miscarriage. Other than that please enjoy.
*EDIT* Oh hey, thanks to the constantly amazing spindlelimbs I have a new journal layout. It's cute isn't it? I don't think these colors are permanent seeing as she's going to design a new header for me and then we'll match up the colors that way. Anyway please praise her on her excellent work and her ability to put up with my indecisiveness and odd taste in colors. &hearts
Jon remembers it was his idea to start trying for a baby. Ryan had been just a little unsure but Jon coaxed him into the idea with sweet slow kisses and promises that he’d be the one to carry their child. Ryan didn’t mind so much after he realized it meant him and Jon would be fucking at every available opportunity.
A few months slip by and Jon is just a little concerned. He’s been looking up ways to improve their chances of conceiving, talking to other men who’ve had trouble. One of his newly found online friends casually suggests that maybe Jon is just one of those guys who can’t carry a child.
Jon tries to ignore it, blow it off and he and Ryan try even harder. Ryan is on his back panting and begging Jon for an hour of rest when Jon sort of breaks down and tears prick at the corners of his eyes.
Ryan is concerned of course but he thinks it’s about the sex and how maybe Jon is pregnant considering Jon never ever cries. Jon shakes his head and scrubs at his face.
“I’m afraid,” he mutters from behind the safety of his hands. “I’m afraid I can’t get pregnant.”
Jon’s always wanted children. For as long as he can remember he’s wanted to be a dad and he didn’t exactly mind if he was the one who carried his future child. He almost looked forward to it, wanted it to happen and that only increased when he met and married Ryan.
Jon takes six pregnancy tests in two weeks and all of them come back negative.
Jon and Ryan sit stony faced inside the doctor’s office, holding hands in the waiting room. Ryan raises Jon’s hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to the back of Jon’s hand. Jon smiles at Ryan with hope but it’s a façade. Jon is afraid.
***
Jon is crying. Jon is crying in the doctor’s office while the doctor stumbles over his words and looks embarrassed and awkward. Ryan smoothes a hand down Jon’s t-shirt covered back and whispers reassuring noises into his ear. Jon cries soft and sad and he just wants a baby and the doctor just told them that Jon can’t carry a child; Jon can never get pregnant.
***
Jon doesn’t ask Ryan. Jon doesn’t ask Ryan to do it. But Jon is miserable and everyday he looks worse, every time they see a couple with a baby or one of their friends announces that they’re expecting, Jon gets this sad, sad look in his eyes. Ryan never wants to see that look again.
They go to the doctors just as a precaution and the doctor says that because Ryan is small framed, thin and tiny, that the pregnancy will be risky. The doctor doesn’t give them much hope for Ryan to get pregnant and Ryan sees the glimmer in Jon’s eyes diminish slightly. Ryan is determined though, Ryan won’t take no for an answer.
That night Ryan spreads out in their bed and he pulls Jon down into a hot slow kiss. He coaxes Jon down on top of him and he whispers. “Please, fuck me Jon.”
It doesn’t take long at all. Ryan feels sick and that’s already a clichéd sign. Jon looks hopeful but a resigned kind of hope, like he can’t allow himself to believe that it could be true. They go and buy a pregnancy test together, holding hands and Jon beams at their cashier as she congratulates them.
Ryan’s first test comes back positive.
***
Jon despite him not carrying the child is still over the moon about their pregnancy. He takes pictures of Ryan everyday even though the bump doesn’t ever seem to get visibly bigger. Ryan is only about a month along but they’re already putting together cribs and arguing over colors for the nursery.
They talk about names that they like. Jon likes Lucy for a girl and Ryan likes Brendon for a boy.
At two months Ryan’s bump is small but it’s there, a definite curve to his stomach for probably the first time in his life. Jon touches the bump all the time, sings to it. Ryan sits and watches Jon put together the crib for the baby. Ryan’s hands cup his bump and he smiles. He realizes that he’s no longer scared.
Three months is considered the safe zone. Three months is where you’re basically guaranteed to have a safe and normal pregnancy. Jon had the three month period circled on the calendar, their safe zone.
Ryan has a miscarriage two weeks before his third month of pregnancy.
***
Ryan spends about a week and a half in the hospital. He’s physically alright but emotionally he isn’t. He cries a lot, sobs into the rough hospital pillow. Jon stays at the hospital a lot, rubs Ryan’s back through the thin material of the hospital gown.
He says he’s sorry, he begs Ryan to forgive him for wanting to try, for making Ryan try. Ryan clings to Jon and sobs, he cries for their baby girl. The little girl they never got to meet. They named her Lucy, just like they had planned and she’s buried in a cemetery about an hour or so from their neighborhood.
“We can adopt,” Jon says one night. “There are a lot of little kids already here who need parents. We’ll do that. Not now though, someday. Someday we’ll do that.”
Ryan nods along but his heart is broken and right now it feels like he never wants to try again. Some people just aren’t meant to be parents he thinks and he and Jon must be two of those people.
***
A year and a half later Ryan is both overjoyed and terrified to learn that he is pregnant again.
It's not necessary to read the other piece to understand this one but it helps.
Warning; for a mpreg and a miscarriage. Other than that please enjoy.
*EDIT* Oh hey, thanks to the constantly amazing spindlelimbs I have a new journal layout. It's cute isn't it? I don't think these colors are permanent seeing as she's going to design a new header for me and then we'll match up the colors that way. Anyway please praise her on her excellent work and her ability to put up with my indecisiveness and odd taste in colors. &hearts
Jon remembers it was his idea to start trying for a baby. Ryan had been just a little unsure but Jon coaxed him into the idea with sweet slow kisses and promises that he’d be the one to carry their child. Ryan didn’t mind so much after he realized it meant him and Jon would be fucking at every available opportunity.
A few months slip by and Jon is just a little concerned. He’s been looking up ways to improve their chances of conceiving, talking to other men who’ve had trouble. One of his newly found online friends casually suggests that maybe Jon is just one of those guys who can’t carry a child.
Jon tries to ignore it, blow it off and he and Ryan try even harder. Ryan is on his back panting and begging Jon for an hour of rest when Jon sort of breaks down and tears prick at the corners of his eyes.
Ryan is concerned of course but he thinks it’s about the sex and how maybe Jon is pregnant considering Jon never ever cries. Jon shakes his head and scrubs at his face.
“I’m afraid,” he mutters from behind the safety of his hands. “I’m afraid I can’t get pregnant.”
Jon’s always wanted children. For as long as he can remember he’s wanted to be a dad and he didn’t exactly mind if he was the one who carried his future child. He almost looked forward to it, wanted it to happen and that only increased when he met and married Ryan.
Jon takes six pregnancy tests in two weeks and all of them come back negative.
Jon and Ryan sit stony faced inside the doctor’s office, holding hands in the waiting room. Ryan raises Jon’s hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to the back of Jon’s hand. Jon smiles at Ryan with hope but it’s a façade. Jon is afraid.
***
Jon is crying. Jon is crying in the doctor’s office while the doctor stumbles over his words and looks embarrassed and awkward. Ryan smoothes a hand down Jon’s t-shirt covered back and whispers reassuring noises into his ear. Jon cries soft and sad and he just wants a baby and the doctor just told them that Jon can’t carry a child; Jon can never get pregnant.
***
Jon doesn’t ask Ryan. Jon doesn’t ask Ryan to do it. But Jon is miserable and everyday he looks worse, every time they see a couple with a baby or one of their friends announces that they’re expecting, Jon gets this sad, sad look in his eyes. Ryan never wants to see that look again.
They go to the doctors just as a precaution and the doctor says that because Ryan is small framed, thin and tiny, that the pregnancy will be risky. The doctor doesn’t give them much hope for Ryan to get pregnant and Ryan sees the glimmer in Jon’s eyes diminish slightly. Ryan is determined though, Ryan won’t take no for an answer.
That night Ryan spreads out in their bed and he pulls Jon down into a hot slow kiss. He coaxes Jon down on top of him and he whispers. “Please, fuck me Jon.”
It doesn’t take long at all. Ryan feels sick and that’s already a clichéd sign. Jon looks hopeful but a resigned kind of hope, like he can’t allow himself to believe that it could be true. They go and buy a pregnancy test together, holding hands and Jon beams at their cashier as she congratulates them.
Ryan’s first test comes back positive.
***
Jon despite him not carrying the child is still over the moon about their pregnancy. He takes pictures of Ryan everyday even though the bump doesn’t ever seem to get visibly bigger. Ryan is only about a month along but they’re already putting together cribs and arguing over colors for the nursery.
They talk about names that they like. Jon likes Lucy for a girl and Ryan likes Brendon for a boy.
At two months Ryan’s bump is small but it’s there, a definite curve to his stomach for probably the first time in his life. Jon touches the bump all the time, sings to it. Ryan sits and watches Jon put together the crib for the baby. Ryan’s hands cup his bump and he smiles. He realizes that he’s no longer scared.
Three months is considered the safe zone. Three months is where you’re basically guaranteed to have a safe and normal pregnancy. Jon had the three month period circled on the calendar, their safe zone.
Ryan has a miscarriage two weeks before his third month of pregnancy.
***
Ryan spends about a week and a half in the hospital. He’s physically alright but emotionally he isn’t. He cries a lot, sobs into the rough hospital pillow. Jon stays at the hospital a lot, rubs Ryan’s back through the thin material of the hospital gown.
He says he’s sorry, he begs Ryan to forgive him for wanting to try, for making Ryan try. Ryan clings to Jon and sobs, he cries for their baby girl. The little girl they never got to meet. They named her Lucy, just like they had planned and she’s buried in a cemetery about an hour or so from their neighborhood.
“We can adopt,” Jon says one night. “There are a lot of little kids already here who need parents. We’ll do that. Not now though, someday. Someday we’ll do that.”
Ryan nods along but his heart is broken and right now it feels like he never wants to try again. Some people just aren’t meant to be parents he thinks and he and Jon must be two of those people.
***
A year and a half later Ryan is both overjoyed and terrified to learn that he is pregnant again.