The shit thats happend since last we met..
It has been almost a year since i have been here. No matter where else i go i always feel more comfortable here.
My life has continually spiralled down since my last entry. In may Me and mommy were kicked out of mommoms house and we moved in with melissa. That didint last to long. It was awful. They almost killed eachother in their arguments, the boyfriend Dean screamed and yelled at his two year old daughter and called her a pussy when she criend and a stupid little bitch. They NEVER fed this kid, and just like and anorexic she didnt feel the need to eat, she didnt like to eat and she was sick because of it. well we ended up leaving their b/c melissa spent the rent money and all her other money on weed and pills ( she didnt even buy the baby milk or even any type a food that she might want to eat if she ever got hungry) so she lied to her mom said we didnt help her at all ( even though we cought almost everything and cleaned the house everyday)and so we had to leave. so we went to Jaime's...stayed their for a while, but she was a crack head and would flip out if mom didnt buy her crack everyday, and one day my mom bought a loaf of bread and all we ate there was peanut butter and jelly so we didnt take any of their food, and she flipped out b/c their was only like 4 slices left in the morning WHEN MY MOM BOUGHT IT! it wasnt even hers, it was ours, well she started screaming, mom and her were argueing, she punched my mom in the face, (but even after the fight mommmy said she couldnt feel it..and that she was probably that weak from the crack )but she hit mommy i pushed her, she threatend to call the cops said i hit her in the face and we left.I hadnt cryed in months then but that day it was like someone had died, i cryed like a little fucking baby b/c i knew we didnt have n e where to go. Then her daughter ( who used to be my best friend when we were little kids)had the nerve to say she didnt have any respect for me any more, when the ignorent little bitch hadnt said more than 10 words to me the whole time we were there and said she would have never done that, when only about a month ago she had hit her moms girlfriend when they were arguing and tweety ( her moms g/f) was only holding her down so jaime would stop hitting her...well she knows she wrong now and i hope she realizes what an idiot she was...b/c even thought we are two completly diffrent people i think we might have been able to atleast be friends a little...
n e wayz after that we went to georgetown and asked my brother if we could stay their a night or two until we could find another place to go....but he said that his house isnt a flop house and he dosent want people staying in his house ( when that ignorent mother fucker stayed in out fucking basement for a little over a year fucking rent free and ate their and used the phone everday and has his girlfriend and their two fucking cats.
so we left their and had to sleep in the garage in fredrica, well come to find out my other brother Dennis was staying their too b/c he didnt have a place to stay either, him and his g/f were down their smoking and selling crack, well we stayed their for two days until we called Ella. She was happy to let us stay after mommy was telling her how she had to give Jaime money every fucking day, she thought she'd do the same i guess. well mommy bought her vodka everyday for two months ( except six days when she was sick)well she would go on these three day binges and wouldnt go to fucking sleep so we'd be up for three days straight and then when we wanted to sleep late after three days of being up she would want to bitch about. well one day mommmy had had enough, we had been up for three days and she finally let us go to sleep around five thirty in the morning, at 9 she came in yellin and waking me up telling me to come help her steal this lawn mower, well mommy flipped out, they got into a big as fight, mommy knocked her in her head, then she called the cops all drunk and tryed to have us removed and when the cops got there they wanted to arrest her for being drunk in public and stealing that lawnmower and just b/c they were pisse off at her, they even told us we didnt have to leave b/c we were paying her and she had to give us 30 days notice, but mommy knew we couldnt do that so we left.
Then we were two days staying in a motel and finally mommy saw Nannette a her doctors office. She was saying how we were in this jam and Nannette offered for us to stay with her. Now I know I shouldnt complain when someone is trying to help us but this is the most awful place i have evr been. There is only 5% electric in this place. which means that the hot water heater dosent work, you cant have the t.v and the blow dryer on at the same time, and it smelles absolutly awful. it is the dirtiest place i have ever stayed in. but she is soo nice.
but i still can help but have this depression. I mean i thgouth i was depressed at mommoms, but i definatly wasnt. I have never felt to weak and so tierd in my life. I can sleep for 15 hours straight and not wake up once, and i used to talk to fast that people would have to tell me to slow down and talk slower but its like i dont have the strength to talk fast. If i had to argue or fight with someone i really dont think i would have the strength to do anything. I havent eaten more than afew bite of something a day for the past two weeks (and im a big girl, i never go without food unless im sick or something)Im also getting pimples all the time and my hair is falling out. I dont know whats wrong with me.
I used to think people who thought about killing themselves we weak and stupid, i never knew that feeling of utter hopelessness. I never knew that you could feel that bad. Its weird how many times it just pops in your head. Iv almsot lost all faith in a god, and the only faith i do have is out of fear that i could be wrong and he could punish me more for some horrible sin that i dont even remember doing. I really need a miracle to get us out of this hole. I feel like Shadow in the movie " Homeward Bound" when we falls in that hole and he climbs and climbs and cant quite make it out of the hole. I really feel like that.Almost everything that can go wrong has went wrong. we have a car with a donut on it, no insurence, not tags, speeding,and no insurence tickets, no jobs, no place to live, no money for gas or ciggarettes, no clothes, i have one pair of paints, one pair of shoes and two shirts. none of which are good job hunting clothes.I just hope and prey that things change for the btter and that they change soon. Its a really awful feeling that you have when you have almost nothing. and i feel so bad sometimes b/c i know allen is trying to be nice and help me and shit but it just makes me feel awful,he'll like buy me ciggarettes, and coffee and give me shit. I feel soo bad that he feel's like he has to help me. I dont want anyone to feel like they need to help me ( except maybe my dad lol) but n e wayz..
N e wayz... Im at Allens house right now, i havent had a computer in a long time, and i probably still wont have one for a long time. so as soon as i can get to one i'll get online and update this blog as much as possible.
grr... i hope this all goes away soon and were so blissfully happy that we dont even think about when we were homeless and never have it cross our mind again...
My life has continually spiralled down since my last entry. In may Me and mommy were kicked out of mommoms house and we moved in with melissa. That didint last to long. It was awful. They almost killed eachother in their arguments, the boyfriend Dean screamed and yelled at his two year old daughter and called her a pussy when she criend and a stupid little bitch. They NEVER fed this kid, and just like and anorexic she didnt feel the need to eat, she didnt like to eat and she was sick because of it. well we ended up leaving their b/c melissa spent the rent money and all her other money on weed and pills ( she didnt even buy the baby milk or even any type a food that she might want to eat if she ever got hungry) so she lied to her mom said we didnt help her at all ( even though we cought almost everything and cleaned the house everyday)and so we had to leave. so we went to Jaime's...stayed their for a while, but she was a crack head and would flip out if mom didnt buy her crack everyday, and one day my mom bought a loaf of bread and all we ate there was peanut butter and jelly so we didnt take any of their food, and she flipped out b/c their was only like 4 slices left in the morning WHEN MY MOM BOUGHT IT! it wasnt even hers, it was ours, well she started screaming, mom and her were argueing, she punched my mom in the face, (but even after the fight mommmy said she couldnt feel it..and that she was probably that weak from the crack )but she hit mommy i pushed her, she threatend to call the cops said i hit her in the face and we left.I hadnt cryed in months then but that day it was like someone had died, i cryed like a little fucking baby b/c i knew we didnt have n e where to go. Then her daughter ( who used to be my best friend when we were little kids)had the nerve to say she didnt have any respect for me any more, when the ignorent little bitch hadnt said more than 10 words to me the whole time we were there and said she would have never done that, when only about a month ago she had hit her moms girlfriend when they were arguing and tweety ( her moms g/f) was only holding her down so jaime would stop hitting her...well she knows she wrong now and i hope she realizes what an idiot she was...b/c even thought we are two completly diffrent people i think we might have been able to atleast be friends a little...
n e wayz after that we went to georgetown and asked my brother if we could stay their a night or two until we could find another place to go....but he said that his house isnt a flop house and he dosent want people staying in his house ( when that ignorent mother fucker stayed in out fucking basement for a little over a year fucking rent free and ate their and used the phone everday and has his girlfriend and their two fucking cats.
so we left their and had to sleep in the garage in fredrica, well come to find out my other brother Dennis was staying their too b/c he didnt have a place to stay either, him and his g/f were down their smoking and selling crack, well we stayed their for two days until we called Ella. She was happy to let us stay after mommy was telling her how she had to give Jaime money every fucking day, she thought she'd do the same i guess. well mommy bought her vodka everyday for two months ( except six days when she was sick)well she would go on these three day binges and wouldnt go to fucking sleep so we'd be up for three days straight and then when we wanted to sleep late after three days of being up she would want to bitch about. well one day mommmy had had enough, we had been up for three days and she finally let us go to sleep around five thirty in the morning, at 9 she came in yellin and waking me up telling me to come help her steal this lawn mower, well mommy flipped out, they got into a big as fight, mommy knocked her in her head, then she called the cops all drunk and tryed to have us removed and when the cops got there they wanted to arrest her for being drunk in public and stealing that lawnmower and just b/c they were pisse off at her, they even told us we didnt have to leave b/c we were paying her and she had to give us 30 days notice, but mommy knew we couldnt do that so we left.
Then we were two days staying in a motel and finally mommy saw Nannette a her doctors office. She was saying how we were in this jam and Nannette offered for us to stay with her. Now I know I shouldnt complain when someone is trying to help us but this is the most awful place i have evr been. There is only 5% electric in this place. which means that the hot water heater dosent work, you cant have the t.v and the blow dryer on at the same time, and it smelles absolutly awful. it is the dirtiest place i have ever stayed in. but she is soo nice.
but i still can help but have this depression. I mean i thgouth i was depressed at mommoms, but i definatly wasnt. I have never felt to weak and so tierd in my life. I can sleep for 15 hours straight and not wake up once, and i used to talk to fast that people would have to tell me to slow down and talk slower but its like i dont have the strength to talk fast. If i had to argue or fight with someone i really dont think i would have the strength to do anything. I havent eaten more than afew bite of something a day for the past two weeks (and im a big girl, i never go without food unless im sick or something)Im also getting pimples all the time and my hair is falling out. I dont know whats wrong with me.
I used to think people who thought about killing themselves we weak and stupid, i never knew that feeling of utter hopelessness. I never knew that you could feel that bad. Its weird how many times it just pops in your head. Iv almsot lost all faith in a god, and the only faith i do have is out of fear that i could be wrong and he could punish me more for some horrible sin that i dont even remember doing. I really need a miracle to get us out of this hole. I feel like Shadow in the movie " Homeward Bound" when we falls in that hole and he climbs and climbs and cant quite make it out of the hole. I really feel like that.Almost everything that can go wrong has went wrong. we have a car with a donut on it, no insurence, not tags, speeding,and no insurence tickets, no jobs, no place to live, no money for gas or ciggarettes, no clothes, i have one pair of paints, one pair of shoes and two shirts. none of which are good job hunting clothes.I just hope and prey that things change for the btter and that they change soon. Its a really awful feeling that you have when you have almost nothing. and i feel so bad sometimes b/c i know allen is trying to be nice and help me and shit but it just makes me feel awful,he'll like buy me ciggarettes, and coffee and give me shit. I feel soo bad that he feel's like he has to help me. I dont want anyone to feel like they need to help me ( except maybe my dad lol) but n e wayz..
N e wayz... Im at Allens house right now, i havent had a computer in a long time, and i probably still wont have one for a long time. so as soon as i can get to one i'll get online and update this blog as much as possible.
grr... i hope this all goes away soon and were so blissfully happy that we dont even think about when we were homeless and never have it cross our mind again...