Starving.
Since I have been to college, I have gained weight. It's an unavoidable fact. It bothers me, it makes me feel disgusting and worthless. The most disgusting thing about my situation is that I am surrounded around LA barbies in this little microcosm called "UCLA", and suddenly I find myself wanting some of their worst characteristics. How did this happen? I try not to eat. I beat myself up, telling myself, reminding myself of what a cow I am. Stare at the mirror....mooo...moooo...moooooooo!
I wish I could just eat and eat. And not gain weight. How superficial. Why does food have to be a necessity and such a horrible craving at the same time. Isn't it strange that it is food that can be addicting, like all drugs it really does make you feel like shit after you have overindulged. I wonder if i am going to drift off into the Land of Bulimia....probably not though, I've been researching it and it sounds like you don't lose much weight in bulimia because your metabolism goes to shit and on top of that you only get rid of about half of the calories that you take in before you vomit. How unfortunate. I just want to shove all the Taco Bell and McDonald's I can into my face. How destructive, how naive, how immature, how selfish. Yes. Yes. Yes. i know all this, but as that age old retarded saying goes...."Everyman is an island." So if I am an island, all alone, what does it matter to anyone else. Islands don't talk, they don't have emotions, they don't love. They don't eat. What do islands do? They sit there in the ocean. Eventually vegetation grows on them, and then the animals procreate on it. But the island does nothing itself, things happen around it, and on it, and sometimes within it. But the island itself does not eat.
Maybe if I held true to this analogy not only would I not eat, but I guess I wouldn't do anything at all. I wouldn't study, I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't go out and do shit. Oh wait....I guess I have most of it down.....except that eating part, I should really aim to be a better island I suppose.
I need a cigarette. I am hungry. I had a fruit bowl with yogurt and some saurkraut today.
i wonder if anyone will read this. What does it matter, I really truly am just a statistic now. A lifetime movie synopsis on wikipedia.
I need to get out of here.
I wish I could just eat and eat. And not gain weight. How superficial. Why does food have to be a necessity and such a horrible craving at the same time. Isn't it strange that it is food that can be addicting, like all drugs it really does make you feel like shit after you have overindulged. I wonder if i am going to drift off into the Land of Bulimia....probably not though, I've been researching it and it sounds like you don't lose much weight in bulimia because your metabolism goes to shit and on top of that you only get rid of about half of the calories that you take in before you vomit. How unfortunate. I just want to shove all the Taco Bell and McDonald's I can into my face. How destructive, how naive, how immature, how selfish. Yes. Yes. Yes. i know all this, but as that age old retarded saying goes...."Everyman is an island." So if I am an island, all alone, what does it matter to anyone else. Islands don't talk, they don't have emotions, they don't love. They don't eat. What do islands do? They sit there in the ocean. Eventually vegetation grows on them, and then the animals procreate on it. But the island does nothing itself, things happen around it, and on it, and sometimes within it. But the island itself does not eat.
Maybe if I held true to this analogy not only would I not eat, but I guess I wouldn't do anything at all. I wouldn't study, I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't go out and do shit. Oh wait....I guess I have most of it down.....except that eating part, I should really aim to be a better island I suppose.
I need a cigarette. I am hungry. I had a fruit bowl with yogurt and some saurkraut today.
i wonder if anyone will read this. What does it matter, I really truly am just a statistic now. A lifetime movie synopsis on wikipedia.
I need to get out of here.