Story
I just wrote the greatest story in the history of stories.
Or not.
But I think it's awesome.
And is definite evidence that I watch too much TV.
And its way long, but I couldn't bear to cut anything.
It was a warm summer day in the small town of Acme Acres. The sun was shining bright, the birds were chirping, kids were hula hooping-it was a perfect day. Velma, a young girl, about the age of fourteen, walked briskly down the cobblestone street. Velma was eager to see her friend April, whom she hadn’t seen since school had gotten out two weeks earlier. And since the day was so nice, Velma decided to walk. She estimated that her jaunt should only take thirty minutes.
While turning the corner of Connecticut and St. Charles Place, Velma passed an eating disorder clinic. She noticed a furry blue monster being ushered through the front door by one of the nurses. Velma sensed that the monster was reluctant to enter, as he was fighting her with every step. Eager to get him inside, the nurse neglected to notice she had left the front door ajar. Wildly curious and noticing the open door, Velma quietly followed them in. The monster and the nurse went into an empty office and shut the door behind them. However, the conversation was so loud; Velma had no trouble hearing them.
“Okay, Cookie Monster,” the nurse said, “Remember what I told you in the car? ‘C’ is not for cookie. ‘C’ is for calories and cholesterol!”
“No! ‘C’ is for cookie! ‘C’ is for cookie!” the monster yelled.
“No! Cookies are not healthy. They are a sometimes food. Try other ‘C’ foods like celery and cauliflower”
“Cauliflower is yucky! Cookies are yummy!”
“Sir, you need a lot of help. I recommend an extended stay in our clinic.”
Figuring that she heard the highlight of the conversation, Velma turned around and left. She continued walking when she was stopped by two policemen.
“Sorry miss,” the policeman said, “But, we’re going to have to ask you to take a different street. We’re trying to break up a fight.”
“Okay officer. I’ll go around the block,” said Velma.
However, Velma’s inquisitive nature got the best of her and she had to see who was fighting whom and why. Conveniently enough, she was standing next to a four-story building with an elevator to the roof. She ducked inside, took the elevator and stood on the roof where she could get a bird’s eye view of the fight. She saw two tiny blue men wearing white pants, shoes and hats, and no shirts. They were fighting so loudly that Velma could hear every word said. The first observation Velma made, was that the two blue men possessed a very unique speech pattern.
“Tailor, I saw you and her at Gargamel’s!” one man yelled.
“Vanity, I didn’t know you two were together!” the other man yelled.
“Smurf you!”
“Dude, you don’t need to get mad. I didn’t know that you and Smurfette were smurfing each other.”
“Did you smurf her?”
“No, we didn’t smurf.”
“Well, that’s good. But I still hate you.”
Velma quietly giggled to herself about the fight as she got back on the elevator to head back down to the street. She couldn’t wait to get to April’s to tell her about all the characters she had encountered so far. She was about to cross Ventnor Avenue when she noticed an owl sitting in a tree and heard a little boy yelling the same phrase over and over:
“Guess how many licks it takes to get to the center of this Tootsie Roll Pop! Three guesses for twenty-five cents! If you guess right, you’ll win a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops!”
Thinking that this was an interesting alternative to the lemonade stand, Velma decided to take the bait and try her luck. She handed the boy a quarter.
“Hi, um… my guess is five hundred,” Velma said.
“Nope!” said the boy proudly.
“Um… a thousand?”
“Nope!”
“Uh… fifteen hundred?”
“Nope!”
“Well, how do you know how many licks are in the center?”
“Ask Mr. Owl”
‘Mr. Owl’ turned out to be the owl up in the tree that she had seen earlier.
“So, Mr. Owl,” Velma said, “How many licks are in the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”
Mr. Owl looked Velma square in the eye and said with a smirk “The world may never know.”
Feeling hustled; Velma left the owl and the boy and continued her trek toward April’s. While walking, Velma noticed her throat felt dry, and looked for a place where she could possibly get a drink from a water fountain. She walked for a couple blocks past houses and small businesses-places where Velma figured wouldn’t have water fountains. She then came upon the hospital on Marvin Gardens. Figuring that they’d have a water fountain, she walked in.
From the moment Velma entered, she knew that she made a mistake. However, she spied a water fountain in the corner, and figured she’d just come in, get her water, and leave. Walking further into the room, she noticed a sign above the door-Mental Ward. Feeling a bit nervous, Velma sped up her steps toward the water fountain. After taking a large sip, she turned around and spotted a small green leprechaun in the corner. He was holding his knees and rocking back and forth while reciting:
“They’re always after ‘me’ lucky charms,” he repeated, over and over again.
The nurses tried to calm the small leprechaun down, but they were quickly distracted when an irate bird raced in screaming.
“I’m cuckoo for cocoa puffs!” he screeched.
“Sure, you are,” the nurse said, trying to calm down the bird.
No sooner than the bird was calmed down, a dog raced in and rammed into the nurse’s rear end.
“Coooooookie crisp!” the dog said.
Velma wondered what the heck she walked into, but this place was like a train wreck. As much as she didn’t want to look or be there, she couldn’t help it. The last straw though, was when a short, older gentleman walked over to her, wearing a blue captain’s uniform, and tried to make a pass at her.
“You and the Capn’ make it happen!” he said smoothly.
“Um… I don’t think so,” Velma replied.
Thoroughly creeped out, Velma raced out the door, away from the loonies. Thinking that perhaps she ought to get to April’s before sundown, Velma picked up her pace a little bit more. However, she was quickly distracted upon walking past the television store. She stopped to watch the weather forecast on the multitude of television screens on display in the front window. The meteorologist looked a bit like Dracula. He had a purple face and wore a black cape.
“I’m predicting lightening in three seconds,” the weatherman said.
Thinking that was a bit strange, and perhaps a joke, Velma turned her back on the screen and started walking; but the weather report was still within ear shot.
“1…2…3… ha ha ha ha” the weatherman said.
As soon as he said ‘three,’ lightening struck the town. Definitely frightened, Velma began running toward April’s house. When she was about two blocks away from April’s, she saw the most peculiar looking car sitting in front of the Snuffleleuphagus Bank. The car was made of clouds! She noticed a brown bear with a heart on his stomach standing outside of the car as if he were waiting for someone. Then she saw a pink bear with a rainbow emblazoned on her stomach coming out of the bank. She was holding three burlap bags, with dollar symbols on the outside. Racing over to the cloud car, she yelled something to the brown bear.
“Hey, TenderHeart. Good Luck, Grumpy, and Share are on their way.”
“Cool, Cheer. The rest better hurry up.”
A green, dark blue and purple bear raced out of the front doors of the bank, each holding burlap sacks like the pink bear had been holding. Velma then spotted a group of five teenagers standing kitty-corner from the bank. She admired the how racially diverse the group was-they were like a mini United Nations. Then she heard them reciting a very peculiar incantation:
“Earth!” said the African-American boy.
“Fire!” said a redheaded American boy.
“Wind” said the blonde girl with the Russian accent.
“Water!” said the Asian girl.
“Heart!” said the Latino boy.
Velma slightly giggled when she heard the last boy yell “heart.” They must have run out of elements, she thought to herself. This amusing thought was disrupted however when she heard a strange rumble in the sky. The clouds parted, and she heard a man yelling:
“With your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”
“Go Planet!” the five kids exclaimed.
Velma laughed out loud when she saw Captain Planet in his red underwear and boots, and sea foam green everything else. She thought he looked like a tube of Aqua Fresh. He jumped in front of the cloud car carrying the five brightly colored felons.
“Get out of the car, and return the bags of money!” he yelled.
“Never!” the bears yelled in unison.
“This money doesn’t belong to you. I thought the Care Bears were all about being nice.”
“We’re tired of being nice! We’ve gone out of our way being nice to you worthless humans and we get nothing in return. So we’re done being nice, we’re stealing this money so that we can build a brothel, and hire Hooker Bear and Cage Dancer Bear.”
“If you aren’t going to cooperate, then I’ll have to take it by force!”
“Don’t even try!”
Velma watched as Captain Planet clenched his fists and raised his arms, ready to execute his power. She also noticed the Care Bears organizing themselves into a line.
“Care Bear Stare!” the five bears yelled.
However, as powerful as their ‘Care Bear Stare’ was, it was no match for the powers of Captain Planet. They suffered an embarrassing defeat and reluctantly gave back the stolen money to Officer Ponch of the California Highway Patrol when he came and took the bears away in the sidecar of his motorcycle.
Looking at her watch, Velma realized that her thirty-minute walk to April’s was now clocking in at an hour and a half. She started sprinting toward April’s when she heard another man yelling.
“Captain Planet! Captain Planet! Wait for me!” A girly-looking blond haired man wearing a gold shield and gold skirt-like thing said, as he ran toward Captain Planet.
“Oh Adam, you came!” Captain Planet exclaimed.
“You know I prefer to be called He-Man.”
“I thought that was only in the bedroom.”
“Oh Captain Planet, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Velma watched the two men embrace in a tender hug. She walked past them and down the road. Five minutes later, she finally made it to her friend April’s house-eager to tell her all the crazy things she had seen. She ran excitedly up the sidewalk to April’s front door. She rang the doorbell and heard April tell her to come on in. Upon walking in, she saw April sitting on the couch with four boys wearing brown trench coats and matching fedoras.
“Hey, who are your friends?” Velma asked.
April introduced Velma to each boy.
“This is Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael.”
The boys then stood up to shake Velma’s hand. When Leonardo extended his hand to Velma, she noticed something unusual about his hand. It was green and only had three fingers. She looked down at his feet. He only had three toes! These four guys were turtles!
“Nice to meet you” Leonardo said.
“Nice to meet you too,” Velma said cautiously, “I think I’ve seen you guys before on like the news or something, aren’t you guys the ‘Teenage-‘.
Raphael interrupted Velma before she could finish.
“The Teenage Reptiles of America?” Raphael said.
“Yeahhhh….” Velma replied, “Nice to meet all of you.”
Velma then sat on the couch next to April where they spent the remainder of the evening eating jelly bean and olive pizza and playing a rousing game of Monopoly.
Or not.
But I think it's awesome.
And is definite evidence that I watch too much TV.
And its way long, but I couldn't bear to cut anything.
It was a warm summer day in the small town of Acme Acres. The sun was shining bright, the birds were chirping, kids were hula hooping-it was a perfect day. Velma, a young girl, about the age of fourteen, walked briskly down the cobblestone street. Velma was eager to see her friend April, whom she hadn’t seen since school had gotten out two weeks earlier. And since the day was so nice, Velma decided to walk. She estimated that her jaunt should only take thirty minutes.
While turning the corner of Connecticut and St. Charles Place, Velma passed an eating disorder clinic. She noticed a furry blue monster being ushered through the front door by one of the nurses. Velma sensed that the monster was reluctant to enter, as he was fighting her with every step. Eager to get him inside, the nurse neglected to notice she had left the front door ajar. Wildly curious and noticing the open door, Velma quietly followed them in. The monster and the nurse went into an empty office and shut the door behind them. However, the conversation was so loud; Velma had no trouble hearing them.
“Okay, Cookie Monster,” the nurse said, “Remember what I told you in the car? ‘C’ is not for cookie. ‘C’ is for calories and cholesterol!”
“No! ‘C’ is for cookie! ‘C’ is for cookie!” the monster yelled.
“No! Cookies are not healthy. They are a sometimes food. Try other ‘C’ foods like celery and cauliflower”
“Cauliflower is yucky! Cookies are yummy!”
“Sir, you need a lot of help. I recommend an extended stay in our clinic.”
Figuring that she heard the highlight of the conversation, Velma turned around and left. She continued walking when she was stopped by two policemen.
“Sorry miss,” the policeman said, “But, we’re going to have to ask you to take a different street. We’re trying to break up a fight.”
“Okay officer. I’ll go around the block,” said Velma.
However, Velma’s inquisitive nature got the best of her and she had to see who was fighting whom and why. Conveniently enough, she was standing next to a four-story building with an elevator to the roof. She ducked inside, took the elevator and stood on the roof where she could get a bird’s eye view of the fight. She saw two tiny blue men wearing white pants, shoes and hats, and no shirts. They were fighting so loudly that Velma could hear every word said. The first observation Velma made, was that the two blue men possessed a very unique speech pattern.
“Tailor, I saw you and her at Gargamel’s!” one man yelled.
“Vanity, I didn’t know you two were together!” the other man yelled.
“Smurf you!”
“Dude, you don’t need to get mad. I didn’t know that you and Smurfette were smurfing each other.”
“Did you smurf her?”
“No, we didn’t smurf.”
“Well, that’s good. But I still hate you.”
Velma quietly giggled to herself about the fight as she got back on the elevator to head back down to the street. She couldn’t wait to get to April’s to tell her about all the characters she had encountered so far. She was about to cross Ventnor Avenue when she noticed an owl sitting in a tree and heard a little boy yelling the same phrase over and over:
“Guess how many licks it takes to get to the center of this Tootsie Roll Pop! Three guesses for twenty-five cents! If you guess right, you’ll win a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops!”
Thinking that this was an interesting alternative to the lemonade stand, Velma decided to take the bait and try her luck. She handed the boy a quarter.
“Hi, um… my guess is five hundred,” Velma said.
“Nope!” said the boy proudly.
“Um… a thousand?”
“Nope!”
“Uh… fifteen hundred?”
“Nope!”
“Well, how do you know how many licks are in the center?”
“Ask Mr. Owl”
‘Mr. Owl’ turned out to be the owl up in the tree that she had seen earlier.
“So, Mr. Owl,” Velma said, “How many licks are in the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”
Mr. Owl looked Velma square in the eye and said with a smirk “The world may never know.”
Feeling hustled; Velma left the owl and the boy and continued her trek toward April’s. While walking, Velma noticed her throat felt dry, and looked for a place where she could possibly get a drink from a water fountain. She walked for a couple blocks past houses and small businesses-places where Velma figured wouldn’t have water fountains. She then came upon the hospital on Marvin Gardens. Figuring that they’d have a water fountain, she walked in.
From the moment Velma entered, she knew that she made a mistake. However, she spied a water fountain in the corner, and figured she’d just come in, get her water, and leave. Walking further into the room, she noticed a sign above the door-Mental Ward. Feeling a bit nervous, Velma sped up her steps toward the water fountain. After taking a large sip, she turned around and spotted a small green leprechaun in the corner. He was holding his knees and rocking back and forth while reciting:
“They’re always after ‘me’ lucky charms,” he repeated, over and over again.
The nurses tried to calm the small leprechaun down, but they were quickly distracted when an irate bird raced in screaming.
“I’m cuckoo for cocoa puffs!” he screeched.
“Sure, you are,” the nurse said, trying to calm down the bird.
No sooner than the bird was calmed down, a dog raced in and rammed into the nurse’s rear end.
“Coooooookie crisp!” the dog said.
Velma wondered what the heck she walked into, but this place was like a train wreck. As much as she didn’t want to look or be there, she couldn’t help it. The last straw though, was when a short, older gentleman walked over to her, wearing a blue captain’s uniform, and tried to make a pass at her.
“You and the Capn’ make it happen!” he said smoothly.
“Um… I don’t think so,” Velma replied.
Thoroughly creeped out, Velma raced out the door, away from the loonies. Thinking that perhaps she ought to get to April’s before sundown, Velma picked up her pace a little bit more. However, she was quickly distracted upon walking past the television store. She stopped to watch the weather forecast on the multitude of television screens on display in the front window. The meteorologist looked a bit like Dracula. He had a purple face and wore a black cape.
“I’m predicting lightening in three seconds,” the weatherman said.
Thinking that was a bit strange, and perhaps a joke, Velma turned her back on the screen and started walking; but the weather report was still within ear shot.
“1…2…3… ha ha ha ha” the weatherman said.
As soon as he said ‘three,’ lightening struck the town. Definitely frightened, Velma began running toward April’s house. When she was about two blocks away from April’s, she saw the most peculiar looking car sitting in front of the Snuffleleuphagus Bank. The car was made of clouds! She noticed a brown bear with a heart on his stomach standing outside of the car as if he were waiting for someone. Then she saw a pink bear with a rainbow emblazoned on her stomach coming out of the bank. She was holding three burlap bags, with dollar symbols on the outside. Racing over to the cloud car, she yelled something to the brown bear.
“Hey, TenderHeart. Good Luck, Grumpy, and Share are on their way.”
“Cool, Cheer. The rest better hurry up.”
A green, dark blue and purple bear raced out of the front doors of the bank, each holding burlap sacks like the pink bear had been holding. Velma then spotted a group of five teenagers standing kitty-corner from the bank. She admired the how racially diverse the group was-they were like a mini United Nations. Then she heard them reciting a very peculiar incantation:
“Earth!” said the African-American boy.
“Fire!” said a redheaded American boy.
“Wind” said the blonde girl with the Russian accent.
“Water!” said the Asian girl.
“Heart!” said the Latino boy.
Velma slightly giggled when she heard the last boy yell “heart.” They must have run out of elements, she thought to herself. This amusing thought was disrupted however when she heard a strange rumble in the sky. The clouds parted, and she heard a man yelling:
“With your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”
“Go Planet!” the five kids exclaimed.
Velma laughed out loud when she saw Captain Planet in his red underwear and boots, and sea foam green everything else. She thought he looked like a tube of Aqua Fresh. He jumped in front of the cloud car carrying the five brightly colored felons.
“Get out of the car, and return the bags of money!” he yelled.
“Never!” the bears yelled in unison.
“This money doesn’t belong to you. I thought the Care Bears were all about being nice.”
“We’re tired of being nice! We’ve gone out of our way being nice to you worthless humans and we get nothing in return. So we’re done being nice, we’re stealing this money so that we can build a brothel, and hire Hooker Bear and Cage Dancer Bear.”
“If you aren’t going to cooperate, then I’ll have to take it by force!”
“Don’t even try!”
Velma watched as Captain Planet clenched his fists and raised his arms, ready to execute his power. She also noticed the Care Bears organizing themselves into a line.
“Care Bear Stare!” the five bears yelled.
However, as powerful as their ‘Care Bear Stare’ was, it was no match for the powers of Captain Planet. They suffered an embarrassing defeat and reluctantly gave back the stolen money to Officer Ponch of the California Highway Patrol when he came and took the bears away in the sidecar of his motorcycle.
Looking at her watch, Velma realized that her thirty-minute walk to April’s was now clocking in at an hour and a half. She started sprinting toward April’s when she heard another man yelling.
“Captain Planet! Captain Planet! Wait for me!” A girly-looking blond haired man wearing a gold shield and gold skirt-like thing said, as he ran toward Captain Planet.
“Oh Adam, you came!” Captain Planet exclaimed.
“You know I prefer to be called He-Man.”
“I thought that was only in the bedroom.”
“Oh Captain Planet, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Velma watched the two men embrace in a tender hug. She walked past them and down the road. Five minutes later, she finally made it to her friend April’s house-eager to tell her all the crazy things she had seen. She ran excitedly up the sidewalk to April’s front door. She rang the doorbell and heard April tell her to come on in. Upon walking in, she saw April sitting on the couch with four boys wearing brown trench coats and matching fedoras.
“Hey, who are your friends?” Velma asked.
April introduced Velma to each boy.
“This is Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael.”
The boys then stood up to shake Velma’s hand. When Leonardo extended his hand to Velma, she noticed something unusual about his hand. It was green and only had three fingers. She looked down at his feet. He only had three toes! These four guys were turtles!
“Nice to meet you” Leonardo said.
“Nice to meet you too,” Velma said cautiously, “I think I’ve seen you guys before on like the news or something, aren’t you guys the ‘Teenage-‘.
Raphael interrupted Velma before she could finish.
“The Teenage Reptiles of America?” Raphael said.
“Yeahhhh….” Velma replied, “Nice to meet all of you.”
Velma then sat on the couch next to April where they spent the remainder of the evening eating jelly bean and olive pizza and playing a rousing game of Monopoly.