(no subject)
I look at her and I see my future. A future of waiting for the father of my child to grow up and make us a real family. A future of waiting for something that might never happen, but still waiting. I wish I could sit here and say that I don't understand why she waits for him and clings to the hope of them getting back together, but I do, I really do understand why she waits. Chris and I have only been broken up for two months, but already I can tell that I'm probably going to waste most of my life waiting for us to be a family. Most people might not understand it, but it's different when you have a child with someone. You can just say screw it, things don't work out and move on. You can't just avoid them until you get over it, you have to face that person constantly and even try to get along with them for the sake of the child. It's like you still do have a relationship with that person which makes it even more complicated. You don't get that good clean break, there's so many strings attatched that you can't cut for 18 years. On the one hand you wish you had never met them, but then you look at your child and you can't just hate them because they helped you create something so beautiful. Then you remember why you loved them so much and wonder if things will ever be the way they were when you were happy with him. You don't get the luxury of hating them. You don't get to move on and stop loving them. You have to stay and face them no matter what for the sake of your child. Sacrifice your own happiness and peace of mind for your child. It's a sacrifice that I'm more than willing to make for the sake of my son because I love him more than anything, but it's still hard. When I look into his little eyes I know it's all worth it and I forget how hard it is and how miserable I am because when I look at him, there is nothing else in this world ... but I can't look at him all the time. He does have to sleep and I have to deal when I can't look at him. I would ask someone for advice, but there's really no advice to be had. There's nothing anybody can say or do to change things. Nobody can make Chris fall back in love with me and make him grow up and be ready for a family. At least I have my Jake, my ray of sunshine peeking through the storm. That hope to cling to, that happiness and joy is all I have and all I need. While I may want more for him, and for myself, all we really need is each other.