Yet another update
So I had a long talk with Chris a little while ago. Not really a long talk as in time wise, just a lot of things were discussed. I told him how I feel about him not being there for me and the baby right now. I told him that he needed to understand that the things he does affects me, whether he and I like it or not, and in turn affect the baby. I told him that I need him to try his best to not add more stress to my life because all it does is make me feel sick and unable to eat and sleep normally. Some of you may not understand why I let him have the power to affect my eating and sleeping habits, but it's not like I let him. I have a lot of stress in my life right now and unfortunately he causes a lot of it. I told him how I felt about him taking out his problems on me and how it wasn't fair of him to do that since I have enough problems of my own to deal with. I explained to him that even though he's there for the doctor's appointments and all, for the most part I'm completely alone in this for the time being (another giant stress factor). It's not easy to try to prepare for a child all by yourself. I have my mom and she helps, but I also need help from him since he is the father. I also told him that he needs to stop forgetting things, especially things that have to do with the baby, big and small. Surprisingly enough he seemed to understand and even said that he's really sorry and he's going to try harder to be more supportive. I'm not sure whether I should believe that or not just yet, but at least he's trying somewhat. That alone takes a lot of stress off of me. I'm still scared of how his behavior is going to affect the baby in the short and long term. As far as him walking out on the baby, I still don't know if I honestly believe he's going to stick around and be a father to his son. Hopefully things really will change now. He promised to take me to get paint tomorrow morning and to take me to sign up for child birth classes, which he supposedly remembered, but I said something to him about it before he had a chance to prove he forgot or remembered so I'm not sure. I want my son to have a real father more than anything and I hope that Chris will prove me wrong and be the kind of father our son deserves. I don't want him to walk out on his son or be a shitty father, but I can't keep denying that it could happen. However, I also can't keep stressing about it happening the way I have been. I've been under so much stress lately, some I'll admit is self-inflicted, and it's not good for me or our son. It's just so hard to keep a level head sometimes. Part of that I can blame on hormones, part I can blame on Chris, and some of it is just the way I am. Life has just had so many ups and downs lately. One day I think everything is going to work out alright and that we can find a way to get along, other days I just think he's a complete asshole that will never grow up and take responsibility for his actions. I thought that once I finally got past the reality that we probably won't be getting back together that things would get easier. Instead I'm finding myself with a whole new set of problems that I hadn't noticed before because I was so wrapped up in what was going on with his feelings for me and my feelings for him. I just wish everything didn't have to be so complicated. Why can't I just have a simple boring life? I used to think that when things were boring it was the worst thing in the world, now I'd kill to live a simple, boring life. I guess it just goes to show, be careful what you wish for because when wishes are granted, it's usually in a very fucked up way and not at all the way you wanted them to come true.