(no subject)
You know something? Fuck the bad thing. I'm not letting it control my life anymore. I'm an adult, I'm intelligent and I'm capable, capable of leading a successful life, and not be the burden of all around me. I've learnt who my real friends are and who and what really matters. There's no second chance. I'm nearly 22 years old and my life is a shambles. No more. That's it. Although I still hesitate to use the word, I'm not going to let it control me any further.
What's important to me? Living? I've certainly not done that properly since I was about 11 years old. Laughing? My laugh is a shadow of what it once was, I can't remember the last time my face hurt from laughing. Loving? I destroy literally everyone who's ever cared, in one way or another I let them feel worthless, like they can't help me therefore they're no use. What have I put all my energy (what little energy I've had for the last few years) into? Counting calories, counting lbs, counting how many days till I might have the courage to kill myself, counting the days till all this might go away and I can walk out the door and live, counting the friends that I've let down or who've let me down, counting the scars that I've put on my own body, which equals the amount I've hated myself and counting the tears I've shed for myself in highly unattractive self pity.
What a sad, sad way to live.
From now on I'm wasting no more time counting tears and losses and cuts and burns, from now on I count the laughs, the sunny days, the times I feel positive, the times I feel loved. I keep close tabs on the people who do care, the people I love dearly, who've always been there, despite everything. No more am I interested in people whose only interest is looking, feeling or being seen to be 'cool' whatever the fuck that means these days. I don't have time for that shit anymore, there's so many more important things, more important people to see and things to do. I want to educate myself, not regress to stuff I cared about when I was 14. I want to know people with a point of view, people with a purpose and mission. That's what I'm on now a mission. Back to the SSRI. Thank you, thank you Stephen Werner and William Dzomba, Richard Dawkins and Stephen Chbosky, Kings of Leon and Joanna Newsom. If the pills and the books and the musical notes are my friends from here on in then they don't judge, they don't get fucked up and wander off, they don't lose interest or personality, they never lack in something incredible to say or make me feel.
It is hard to come to terms with losing your friends and your sanity but the saddest thing is losing any faith you once had in yourself.
Today I picked up the phone and I called my father, for the first time in 9 years. It was like I spoke to him yesterday.
What's important to me? Living? I've certainly not done that properly since I was about 11 years old. Laughing? My laugh is a shadow of what it once was, I can't remember the last time my face hurt from laughing. Loving? I destroy literally everyone who's ever cared, in one way or another I let them feel worthless, like they can't help me therefore they're no use. What have I put all my energy (what little energy I've had for the last few years) into? Counting calories, counting lbs, counting how many days till I might have the courage to kill myself, counting the days till all this might go away and I can walk out the door and live, counting the friends that I've let down or who've let me down, counting the scars that I've put on my own body, which equals the amount I've hated myself and counting the tears I've shed for myself in highly unattractive self pity.
What a sad, sad way to live.
From now on I'm wasting no more time counting tears and losses and cuts and burns, from now on I count the laughs, the sunny days, the times I feel positive, the times I feel loved. I keep close tabs on the people who do care, the people I love dearly, who've always been there, despite everything. No more am I interested in people whose only interest is looking, feeling or being seen to be 'cool' whatever the fuck that means these days. I don't have time for that shit anymore, there's so many more important things, more important people to see and things to do. I want to educate myself, not regress to stuff I cared about when I was 14. I want to know people with a point of view, people with a purpose and mission. That's what I'm on now a mission. Back to the SSRI. Thank you, thank you Stephen Werner and William Dzomba, Richard Dawkins and Stephen Chbosky, Kings of Leon and Joanna Newsom. If the pills and the books and the musical notes are my friends from here on in then they don't judge, they don't get fucked up and wander off, they don't lose interest or personality, they never lack in something incredible to say or make me feel.
It is hard to come to terms with losing your friends and your sanity but the saddest thing is losing any faith you once had in yourself.
Today I picked up the phone and I called my father, for the first time in 9 years. It was like I spoke to him yesterday.