+ a real post. a long post +
Bleeb. I am so annoyed with school. Today I'm not though, I should point that out - because for some reason I don't have anything due today. This makes me especially weary of what could be coming when I go to class today, because even the very first day I had homework in this class. Oh well. We'll see when I get there.
- speaking of - we'll see where this next bit goes.
Quite a few of you are my old faithfuls from Blurty, so I can share this and you'll know what I'm talking about. I think it was maybe 2 days ago - my mom asked, "Don't you even talk to Will anymore?" and that really was a stab when she said that. She knows damn well what's happened with Will, and I dunno if she was trying to pull some sort of guilt trip on me or what, but I was not appreciative of it. It's something I don't like to think about, and I don't want to think about. It's taken a lot of effort to push him totally out of my mind, and it's not that I really want to. Let me clarify:
No, I don't have "those" kind of feelings for Will anymore, and I know he probably doesn't for me either. That's perfectly okay with me if he doesn't, I'm off the market and happy as is. What bothers me is that in the midst of all that, he and I got to be incredibly good friends, super close friends - and he knows things about me that no one else does - things Alex doesn't even know. It does upset me that we don't talk anymore, I'm not going to lie about it, it sucks motherfucking ass. When I think about how he wore the key I sent him in his senior pictures, yeah, that really stings, simply because it's always going to be there to haunt him. Those are pictures he'll have for the rest of his life, and neither of us will forget any of it.
To make matters worse, I still wear the bracelet he sent me, and I see it all the time. I'm seriously about to cry right now, because this is the first time I've allowed myself to think about all this in about a month. He keeps showing up in my dreams, and I almost feel obligated to call him. But why? what have I really got to say to him? He knows the choices he's made, he knows how he's "changed back" - or whatever that awful excuse was he tried to use. I don't care what he tries to say about any of that, the fact remains that he and I were best friends, and we promised each other we'd always be there. I want to be there for him, and it seems that he doesn't want me - so why am I so upset about it? I'm staying true to my word, looks like he's the one that's backing out.
I used to think I owed him closure, now I think it's the other way around.