& now i want to hear your voice out loud...

[pinketnies_]

yeah its midnight.. school in the morning but i obviously can't sleep. you know its really true that whole saying "you dont know what you have until you loose it" well for me i had something so great and it gave me the best feeling in the world but what did i do? i threw it away like it was nothing. and now i lay in my bed at 12:00 at night crying just thinking about all the good times ive had and how that good feeling was the only one that actually cared...and i believe that now actually i always have i just never wanted to admit it cause i was to afriad to face reality but now that reality has struck me i look at myself in the mirror and want to destroy the person that stares back at me and just give it pain. im just so fucked up its not even funny i seriously deserve nothing. and im not looking for sympathy so give me none. but i dont know once you loose something that great it makes you think, am i really sane? or am i just so fucking stupid and oblivious to let that thing go? im going with the second one. im stupid very stupid and i know this, but i do this to myself im not right im just not right at all. all i ever seemed to do was hurt this great feeling that i once had. i didnt do it intentionally but i did do it. and now im just so confused cause well ive had these thoughts running through my head for a while but i like him but i shouldnt should i? i mean im not suppose to but i do i can't help but feel so incredibly wonderful and free when im around him and it makes me question the things i do cause its obviouse i want him... but i guess it doesnt matter now im just wanting what i cant have. im seriously disgusted with myself bottom line i fucked up and i need to pay for my mistakes. i deserve every little negative thing said to me cause im a bitch, a liar, bad friend, bad girlfriend bad person bad fucking EVERYTHING. but i think ive learned my lesson and i will never do something so fucked up again, i derserve no forgiveness just to be hurt.

goodbye. bri<3