what even is livejournal anymore?
before i get this (non-fancy-caps) entry underway, let me just get this off my chest because it's been a cool minute:
fuck donald drumpf, he's not my president and he shouldn't fucking be anyone's president. fuck everyone who voted for him. if you voted for him then you're clearly a fucking asshole, and either you know already you're an asshole or you're just now finding out. you're racist, you're sexist, you're classist, and apparently you do not know what the fuck the president's job is. fuck you for laughing at the oppression of marginalized groups, and fuck you for willfully supporting its continuation. fuck you for being murderously scared of brown people and distrustful of women and abusive toward people whose identities befuddle your narrow mind. fuck the entire republican party. fuck the entirety of red states. fuck the russian hackers who fixed the swing states. fuck "all lives matter" and "not all men" and all those stupid proverbs of ignorant and self-serving shitstains. fuck the media for helping to make this happen. fuck clickbait, fuck facebook, fuck the alt-right nazis and fuck cops and fuck the kkk. fuck people who are walking talking clickbait, and fuck people who trust them and support them. fuck this whole fucking election and fuck this whole year. i'll say more when it's finally time to fill out the "annual survey" and whatever. #calexit
oh! and fuck whoever is responsible for these fraudulent charges to my checking account! what a dick! now i have to spend my whole lunch at the bank!
now that that's done,
you know i'm here because it's december, meaning it is almost time for the annual survey and i am feeling guilty about neglecting the lj. i don't really know why i feel that way; others have long abandoned and even scorned the lj. so this would be like trying to force my child to spend quality time with me because i am worried she feels neglected. and those of you who abandoned yours? shame on you! jk, you're probably on facebook arguing/boring your families to death instead these days, and as far as i know that's neither here nor there in terms of parenting quality.
anyway!
my last entry was a very buried subtweet-esque post directed at a person who i am fairly certain has forcibly forgotten about me. i guess i wanted to leave a proverbial trail of breadcrumbs. or maybe a more appropriate metaphor would be putting sugar in a bird feeder?
OH BUT HEY going back to the "My LJ Is A Human Child" concept -- it is WORTH MENTIONING that as of this past september my livejournal is FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. let that marinate! *I* was 15 when i started this lj. well, technically a week from 16. so that means that on september 2, 2017, i will have had this lj for half my life. that's fucking gross! in a cool way, a curious way. like a cow's digestive system. kind of. idk.
while trying to recall a number of shows that cameron and i went to in the formative years of our relationship (including the courtship nightmare of 2004) i predictably fell into a marathon review of every (public) entry in this here LJ from 2005 on. i'm currently in the november 2007 area. i'm sure the years that follow will be a breeze; the frequency of updates is dwindling visibly and by 2010 i think i'll be seeing about two or three entries a year tops.
but jesus haberdasher christ, november 2007.
throughout this exercise in reminiscence and self-evaluation i've been grateful to my past self for keeping tabs on my personal development. this is why this journal is still here. this is why i still keep journals to this very day (of course this time around they are not public). yes, there is a measure of vanity involved in this desire to be introspective/retrospective about oneself. IDGAF. and yes, i have deeply enjoyed seeing what about me has changed and what stays the same. i'm still hilarious and i still throw some pretty good shade, but i'm also glad to see how much i've changed for the better.
i will say THIS much about the 2004-and-after review: by the time i reached mid-to-late-2006 i definitely noticed a marked decline -- like, in myself. i don't know if it was just the time in my life i needed to go through, which is possible. but, and i'm being perhaps too honest here, i am sure that a lot of my shittiness had to do with the company that i kept at the time. granted, there are a few from that era that i do not, and will never, talk to again. however, i know that those who i stayed friends with were probably just going through a similar post-"post-adolescent-idealistic-phase"-phase.
it could have been a huge depression period that i refused to acknowledge as such, if only because i pragmatically insisted that my problems were just personality quirks, a lack of discipline necessitate professional help. it's the way we POC have done things, i think; depression and anxiety are privileged afflictions, and those of us without said privilege don't get to address them in any real way. it's a destructive and gross way to look at it but that's how we survive under the weight. see: "undiagnosed mom injury"
but yeah, i also know for a fact that i spent too much time and energy on verbally abusive dickheads with zero self-awareness and a massively warped idea of respect. they were, and probably always will be, lost in their own sauce; i couldn't be in there with 'em forever and my only regret was wallowing in that sauce so long.
the last "real" entry i've posted here was whey bach in june. now that i'm reviewing said entry, i'm realizing how much has changed in the last six months. it's been tumult and tsouris in the world at large (refer to previous paragraph which is peppered with f-bombs).
the changes in my own life are small but palpable. but thanks to the above rants and semi-subtweety retrospective, i almost feel like i've shat this entry and should probably do a life update in a fresh one.
i'll do one more just before the big annual survey.