(no subject)
so it's august 9th, 2007. meaning i have about 8 days before i am back in tallahassee. this almost feels like it is not enough time for me to spend at home. i love being here- the solitude i find in having nothing to do comforts the worn out, tired and exhausted part of me that is leftover from this hectic past year in tallahassee. when i think about what is to come i get really excited but at the same time i feel a knot in my stomach fill with my anxiety. i am terrified of change and i know this year is going to bring so much of it. a new apartment, a new roommate, a sorority and being single- these are all the new experiences i am going to have all at once. i can't sleep because my mind is filled with thoughts. one thought leads to another, and one worry brings the reminder of another and the next thing i know i am laying on my bed, eyes wide open and a rapid heartbeat. i am scared shitless. but i am not alone. i have to remind myself that. and i hope that this is not one of my illusions i build in my head. i really hope that the friends i have made the past year become, if anything (and if possible), even closer friends to me. i hope i find the right sorority. i hope my roommate and i get along. i hope i don't get lonely. i hope i am not alone. i hope my grades stay up. i hope i have as much fun as possible. i hope i am happy. i hope my family will become a more involved part of my college life. i hope my brother finds my advice, comfort, assurance and strength even if i am 5 1/2 hours away.
on a lighter, less significant issue: boys.
i find myself so confused. ok lets start with this: A & B. these are the two boys who fill my empty moments, my bored hours and my less exciting days with happiness, compliments, comfort and feelings. boy A is sweet, kind, a hopeless romantic. it is scary but he is everything i have wished to find in a boy. he tells me he likes me a lot, that i am perfect, that he wants to be with me, that he'd do anything to make it work out for us. i tell him i am not ready for that, lets take it slow and i like you too. the guilt in me builds up this thick wall of residue around my heart; one that i held proudly to be different then most girls'. i swore i'd be the last girl to hurt a nice guy's feelings. but when i hear him say these things all i can think about is boy B. boy B is different then boy A. boy B doesn't give me everything i want. he keeps me on my toes. he doesn't always make me happy. sometimes he even hurts my feelings. i keep wanting more, though. i find myself wanting him moreso then boy A. i feel sick to my stomach when i think about telling boy A that i feel this way because i do not want to hurt him. he is the nicest guy on the earth. i tell boy B the same things i tell boy A. i do not want a relationship, i like you and you are fun. lets keep things this way. so when do i have to choose? when do i have to tell boy A about boy B? where do i stand? and does this make me a bad person? am I the girl that i swore i'd never become? would the person i was a year ago resent the girl i have become today? or would she be proud? proud because i have grown the self-confidence to be able to tell myself that i am better and deserve good things, i am a princess and shall be treated as one. do these expectations make me a bitch or are they defining aspects of my personality? i am so confused. wish i could find out what to do. wish i knew more then i do. i wish i didn't have to hurt anyone. i wish things were simple. blah.
i am scared, anxious, tired but in an energetic way. i cannot stop smoking ciggarettes and i have to wake up in 4 hours to shop for outfits for rush. i am going to buy whatever i think is cute no matter what i think other girls will think about it. i am trying to maintain a healthy attitude on myself and the things i am about to approach in life. i am trying so damn hard. nobody said it was easy to stay positive. hell, it's much easier to be negative. but, i am working hard to believe in good things. i am doing this for my mental well-being and my soul.
i miss you stephanie:(
on a lighter, less significant issue: boys.
i find myself so confused. ok lets start with this: A & B. these are the two boys who fill my empty moments, my bored hours and my less exciting days with happiness, compliments, comfort and feelings. boy A is sweet, kind, a hopeless romantic. it is scary but he is everything i have wished to find in a boy. he tells me he likes me a lot, that i am perfect, that he wants to be with me, that he'd do anything to make it work out for us. i tell him i am not ready for that, lets take it slow and i like you too. the guilt in me builds up this thick wall of residue around my heart; one that i held proudly to be different then most girls'. i swore i'd be the last girl to hurt a nice guy's feelings. but when i hear him say these things all i can think about is boy B. boy B is different then boy A. boy B doesn't give me everything i want. he keeps me on my toes. he doesn't always make me happy. sometimes he even hurts my feelings. i keep wanting more, though. i find myself wanting him moreso then boy A. i feel sick to my stomach when i think about telling boy A that i feel this way because i do not want to hurt him. he is the nicest guy on the earth. i tell boy B the same things i tell boy A. i do not want a relationship, i like you and you are fun. lets keep things this way. so when do i have to choose? when do i have to tell boy A about boy B? where do i stand? and does this make me a bad person? am I the girl that i swore i'd never become? would the person i was a year ago resent the girl i have become today? or would she be proud? proud because i have grown the self-confidence to be able to tell myself that i am better and deserve good things, i am a princess and shall be treated as one. do these expectations make me a bitch or are they defining aspects of my personality? i am so confused. wish i could find out what to do. wish i knew more then i do. i wish i didn't have to hurt anyone. i wish things were simple. blah.
i am scared, anxious, tired but in an energetic way. i cannot stop smoking ciggarettes and i have to wake up in 4 hours to shop for outfits for rush. i am going to buy whatever i think is cute no matter what i think other girls will think about it. i am trying to maintain a healthy attitude on myself and the things i am about to approach in life. i am trying so damn hard. nobody said it was easy to stay positive. hell, it's much easier to be negative. but, i am working hard to believe in good things. i am doing this for my mental well-being and my soul.
i miss you stephanie:(