(no subject)
People, friends, ...life.
Do you ever get so sad, when you realise, most everyone around you, just people in general, are so ego-obsessed, selfish, not out to help someone else feel good, but only to make themselves feel good, no matter what the expense on others?
A couple months ago I think I just realised its my location.. the U.S. To put it 'generally', we're the stupidest, most fucked up, and most of all - least culturally evolved place on earth (heh, most sexually repressed too).
I used to wonder why, when I was younger, why do I bother doing so many nice things for people when usually I get treated like shit anyway? Why am I just such a cool dude? When usually, in the end I perceived it as a waste of time, energy, resources etc, basically - in the end people here are more often than not, selfish fucks, out for themselves and them only. Take take take, Mmm more food can't have enough, more instant gratification, more consuming and buying. Just.. can't get enough for themselves?
I also couldn't understand, or rather, put myself into their minds. I never saw being selfish as "fun", or "pleasure giving".
Its much clearer now, I don't have those questions anymore. I mean, if I were to bitch about how selfish everyone else is, and decide to stop being good, or decide "everyone"'s selfish and ego-driven thats just doing what selfish people do.
I've heard it many times, "well, why should i keep being nice to *anyone and everyone* if i dont get anything back in return ever" (or similar - hey I used to say/think this) - thats fuckin' selfish. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you how all of your actions cause an equal but opposite reaction back to you, but separated by time. There are no exceptions either. Karma isn't about getting revenge on someone that did you wrong by "getting even" and doing something harmful to them yourself (usually for a selfish 'rush'), no one has to worry because life/the universe always takes care of that for us. Whoever did you wrong is going to learn, its just the way it is. Your wasting time with "revenge", and if your in that state of primal anger, the rage thats the same kind of rage we share with all pre-human animals when you try to get revenge, your usually not using your head, not thinking about consequences, and that'll get you into more trouble then if you had just "let it go".
When somebody does some bad shit to you, i'm not saying leave it alone and let it go, but people have to learn to supress that instant.... anger... desire.. those fast acting, rush of peptides, like a drug, that rush of "FUCK YOU!". Or maybe its a deep sadness, then raging anger.. Cool yourself down and then use your mind.
Do what you need to do if anything to let it go (that doesn't mean necessarily "i have to figure out why this person did this", or some crazy revenge, closure? no, thats not closure) - which can be all sorts of things depending on the situation. Like, you find out your friend's been fuckin' your girlfriend for example. Well there's no definite "rules" to say what you need to do, it depends on the friend and the girlfriend, how long you knew them, how deeply, whatever. Thats where you cool off and *THINK* for a while. If you think you need to ditch the girlfriend and the friend, and you have some stuff at your friends house, contact friend be cool about it and try to get your stuff back, same with the girl. Get whats needed done, and "let it go". Doesn't mean you aren't going to be sad or mad about it, but it sure won't do you any good or anyone else any good if you don't let it go will it?
Now ^^ there i guess i'm mostlly talking about people who did shit to you thats bad enough where its the best thing if you cut off contact completely etc. Sometimes though, people aren't perfect, your friends might do something bad but minor, where you really want to stay friends but its still an issue thats bothering you. I think, at least from trying it both ways, being honest and letting them know you know whats up is best, but that its cool you still want to be friends of course just.. try to get the message across i guess. Sometimes people can't admit it to you even though they know its true - afraid of loosing you as a friend, feels bad about it and just ..can't be honest, or some other reason.. maybe a selfish reason too. So sometimes I have to figure out some 'balance', like playing a game. Let whoever know that you know, but do what "you need to do" to i guess protect yourself against the person repeating the thing but also in a way that "tells them" again and again not in words but action, that you don't quite trust them about this or that (or whatever it is). See what happens over some time, if this friend keeps doing this minor bad thing over and over, even knowing it, but either doesn't care, or does it "automatically" (see below) 'cause they're so used to it, well... *adjust the balance*. Maybe if the person doesn't seem to respond to direct words about it at all, maybe try increasing changing your actions a little further.. further enough for them to eventually think "..whats up?" where they can tell your acting that way for a reason. If one of your really good friends tends to come over your place and always takes your food, or beer or whatever, well you can just outright tell them hey.. please don't eat so much man, i gotta go grocery shopping and ya know money blah blah.
Ok back to those people that really pissed you off and you need to let go:
Also by cooling off, using your mind like that and just "being cool", being nice anyway has benefits you usually aren't aware of. Think about this, so Bob did x and y to you, horrible shit, and you now think Bob's a fucking no good worthless piece of lower than shit. But Bob is trying to keep you pissed, Bob might call you up still, to talk about x and y or this or that, but in a way that Bob want to piss YOU off even MORE. You can get back at Bob real easy, what happens inside somebody's head, when after they do so much bad shit to you, no matter what, and you just respond in a calm voice with, "Hey Bob i'm not angry anymore, its cool, life goes on, I hope you do well in life, really", or (depending on who and whatever else) what if you said "I love you" too? To someone that really wants to piss you off?
If you STOP, before you TALK, and THINK about what your about to SAY, instead of not thinking consciously but SAYING ..anyway, what, are you saying? Usually its harder to remember - I call it "automatic mode". Its like taking a walk, driving a car, cleaning a house, really most of your mind is on autopilot. People sometimes do this a lot when they're talking. They are not really living in the present moment, or only barely holding on. They're mostly in their memory. When you learn things, and then repeat those learned things more and more, it becomes easier and easier to do automatically. When you learn how to play a sport, at first...YOU ARE LIVING IN THE MOMENT, you are right here, and right NOW. (if your hard at work learning something new). As you get better and better, the more automatic it becomes. That does not mean you can't be automatic AND living in the moment at the same time though. If you really love a certain sport, and love to play it a lot, if its a difficult game, you'd want to live in the moment constantly, so you can learn more. But since you are already good at playing, your mind can parallel process things, automate certain things so the YOU can focus more on the NOW which is, getting even better at the game - or winning because the other team is about to kick yer ass.
I realise I do too many things in automatic mode, most everybody does. HABITS. But just like the sports example above you can learn how to do certain things really well but they happen to be bad habits. It seems like just lately everyone I know is going through some tough shit. I've gotten that urge a couple times, like "revenge!" or want to just talk a bunch of shit to someone or whatever. I always chill out though, I catch it, I think, and just cool down. Do what I might need to do for myself and then well ...what next? well thats just life. Like Ok, done with that, what do i wanna do now or where should i go, or shit i forgot to take the trash out i'll do that now. Oh fuck, I meant to call my mom tonight and just realised while typing this I forgot and its kinda late, have to talk to her about something real quick - tomorrow morning, perfect. (i just wrote that down - something I personally need to do WAY more often).
6-14-05
sometimes i wonder if my thoughts and actions are more so controlled by me or other people. do we base our own judgements off of other peoples reaction? is every ‘so-called’ particularly controlled thoughts are only the result of someone else’s influence. i dont want to live my life according to someone else, but by these standards, it seems i already have been.
6-19-05
the measurement of the good will is not supposed by what action this good will takes, only of the good action which it intends to take. intentions maybe the ultimate lead of which direction a will shall take to action. in the process of obtaining a joy of life or happiness in other words, we find ourselves moreso distraught by attempting to perform all actions in the direftion of happiness rather than absorbing the enjoyement that surrounds our actions.
8-8-05
do things and time only run over and over again? i feel as though i’m trapped in an existentially anguishing recycling bin, and the lid is sealed shut. But i suppose we set ourselves up for that, i mean, who can put ourselves in a situation except for ourselves who make these decisions to get us to the situation in the first place?
8-8-05
To be the ultimate cliche of a female in this kind of situation , i remove my own emotions by replacing them with faulty ones on film, and with any luck, can forget a few things that get to me the most, momentarily anyways. Although love is so tricky, it can also be the most simplest thing to encounter. that is, if you find your own way of defining it. i’m still stuck under the roof, perhaps my angst can take me no further than my own front door, and if there is a door to be opened, it will be mine - i just have to find the key, and if i can’t find it - i’ll have to make one.
sometimes i wonder if we ever fully do grow up? what is it to grow up? Do we not remain dreaming? wishing? finding ourselves being playful even when we pass the single digits?I dont think anyone should ever have to grow up, not under the circumstances of what it is to be an adult these days. Why can’t we dream forever? why can’t we spin in circles until we get dizzy and fall over anymore? or do cartwheels until it feels like second nature? why do we supress all of this? why do we hide our inner child? the last thing i worried about ten years ago was money, or a car, or boys, so why now? why can time deem its presence amongst my dreams, or my secret wishes? i can still pretend to be a princess, and i still like to dress up, i still play with make up , and i still chase after boys, just not to beat them up.
Do you ever get so sad, when you realise, most everyone around you, just people in general, are so ego-obsessed, selfish, not out to help someone else feel good, but only to make themselves feel good, no matter what the expense on others?
A couple months ago I think I just realised its my location.. the U.S. To put it 'generally', we're the stupidest, most fucked up, and most of all - least culturally evolved place on earth (heh, most sexually repressed too).
I used to wonder why, when I was younger, why do I bother doing so many nice things for people when usually I get treated like shit anyway? Why am I just such a cool dude? When usually, in the end I perceived it as a waste of time, energy, resources etc, basically - in the end people here are more often than not, selfish fucks, out for themselves and them only. Take take take, Mmm more food can't have enough, more instant gratification, more consuming and buying. Just.. can't get enough for themselves?
I also couldn't understand, or rather, put myself into their minds. I never saw being selfish as "fun", or "pleasure giving".
Its much clearer now, I don't have those questions anymore. I mean, if I were to bitch about how selfish everyone else is, and decide to stop being good, or decide "everyone"'s selfish and ego-driven thats just doing what selfish people do.
I've heard it many times, "well, why should i keep being nice to *anyone and everyone* if i dont get anything back in return ever" (or similar - hey I used to say/think this) - thats fuckin' selfish. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you how all of your actions cause an equal but opposite reaction back to you, but separated by time. There are no exceptions either. Karma isn't about getting revenge on someone that did you wrong by "getting even" and doing something harmful to them yourself (usually for a selfish 'rush'), no one has to worry because life/the universe always takes care of that for us. Whoever did you wrong is going to learn, its just the way it is. Your wasting time with "revenge", and if your in that state of primal anger, the rage thats the same kind of rage we share with all pre-human animals when you try to get revenge, your usually not using your head, not thinking about consequences, and that'll get you into more trouble then if you had just "let it go".
When somebody does some bad shit to you, i'm not saying leave it alone and let it go, but people have to learn to supress that instant.... anger... desire.. those fast acting, rush of peptides, like a drug, that rush of "FUCK YOU!". Or maybe its a deep sadness, then raging anger.. Cool yourself down and then use your mind.
Do what you need to do if anything to let it go (that doesn't mean necessarily "i have to figure out why this person did this", or some crazy revenge, closure? no, thats not closure) - which can be all sorts of things depending on the situation. Like, you find out your friend's been fuckin' your girlfriend for example. Well there's no definite "rules" to say what you need to do, it depends on the friend and the girlfriend, how long you knew them, how deeply, whatever. Thats where you cool off and *THINK* for a while. If you think you need to ditch the girlfriend and the friend, and you have some stuff at your friends house, contact friend be cool about it and try to get your stuff back, same with the girl. Get whats needed done, and "let it go". Doesn't mean you aren't going to be sad or mad about it, but it sure won't do you any good or anyone else any good if you don't let it go will it?
Now ^^ there i guess i'm mostlly talking about people who did shit to you thats bad enough where its the best thing if you cut off contact completely etc. Sometimes though, people aren't perfect, your friends might do something bad but minor, where you really want to stay friends but its still an issue thats bothering you. I think, at least from trying it both ways, being honest and letting them know you know whats up is best, but that its cool you still want to be friends of course just.. try to get the message across i guess. Sometimes people can't admit it to you even though they know its true - afraid of loosing you as a friend, feels bad about it and just ..can't be honest, or some other reason.. maybe a selfish reason too. So sometimes I have to figure out some 'balance', like playing a game. Let whoever know that you know, but do what "you need to do" to i guess protect yourself against the person repeating the thing but also in a way that "tells them" again and again not in words but action, that you don't quite trust them about this or that (or whatever it is). See what happens over some time, if this friend keeps doing this minor bad thing over and over, even knowing it, but either doesn't care, or does it "automatically" (see below) 'cause they're so used to it, well... *adjust the balance*. Maybe if the person doesn't seem to respond to direct words about it at all, maybe try increasing changing your actions a little further.. further enough for them to eventually think "..whats up?" where they can tell your acting that way for a reason. If one of your really good friends tends to come over your place and always takes your food, or beer or whatever, well you can just outright tell them hey.. please don't eat so much man, i gotta go grocery shopping and ya know money blah blah.
Ok back to those people that really pissed you off and you need to let go:
Also by cooling off, using your mind like that and just "being cool", being nice anyway has benefits you usually aren't aware of. Think about this, so Bob did x and y to you, horrible shit, and you now think Bob's a fucking no good worthless piece of lower than shit. But Bob is trying to keep you pissed, Bob might call you up still, to talk about x and y or this or that, but in a way that Bob want to piss YOU off even MORE. You can get back at Bob real easy, what happens inside somebody's head, when after they do so much bad shit to you, no matter what, and you just respond in a calm voice with, "Hey Bob i'm not angry anymore, its cool, life goes on, I hope you do well in life, really", or (depending on who and whatever else) what if you said "I love you" too? To someone that really wants to piss you off?
If you STOP, before you TALK, and THINK about what your about to SAY, instead of not thinking consciously but SAYING ..anyway, what, are you saying? Usually its harder to remember - I call it "automatic mode". Its like taking a walk, driving a car, cleaning a house, really most of your mind is on autopilot. People sometimes do this a lot when they're talking. They are not really living in the present moment, or only barely holding on. They're mostly in their memory. When you learn things, and then repeat those learned things more and more, it becomes easier and easier to do automatically. When you learn how to play a sport, at first...YOU ARE LIVING IN THE MOMENT, you are right here, and right NOW. (if your hard at work learning something new). As you get better and better, the more automatic it becomes. That does not mean you can't be automatic AND living in the moment at the same time though. If you really love a certain sport, and love to play it a lot, if its a difficult game, you'd want to live in the moment constantly, so you can learn more. But since you are already good at playing, your mind can parallel process things, automate certain things so the YOU can focus more on the NOW which is, getting even better at the game - or winning because the other team is about to kick yer ass.
I realise I do too many things in automatic mode, most everybody does. HABITS. But just like the sports example above you can learn how to do certain things really well but they happen to be bad habits. It seems like just lately everyone I know is going through some tough shit. I've gotten that urge a couple times, like "revenge!" or want to just talk a bunch of shit to someone or whatever. I always chill out though, I catch it, I think, and just cool down. Do what I might need to do for myself and then well ...what next? well thats just life. Like Ok, done with that, what do i wanna do now or where should i go, or shit i forgot to take the trash out i'll do that now. Oh fuck, I meant to call my mom tonight and just realised while typing this I forgot and its kinda late, have to talk to her about something real quick - tomorrow morning, perfect. (i just wrote that down - something I personally need to do WAY more often).
6-14-05
sometimes i wonder if my thoughts and actions are more so controlled by me or other people. do we base our own judgements off of other peoples reaction? is every ‘so-called’ particularly controlled thoughts are only the result of someone else’s influence. i dont want to live my life according to someone else, but by these standards, it seems i already have been.
6-19-05
the measurement of the good will is not supposed by what action this good will takes, only of the good action which it intends to take. intentions maybe the ultimate lead of which direction a will shall take to action. in the process of obtaining a joy of life or happiness in other words, we find ourselves moreso distraught by attempting to perform all actions in the direftion of happiness rather than absorbing the enjoyement that surrounds our actions.
8-8-05
do things and time only run over and over again? i feel as though i’m trapped in an existentially anguishing recycling bin, and the lid is sealed shut. But i suppose we set ourselves up for that, i mean, who can put ourselves in a situation except for ourselves who make these decisions to get us to the situation in the first place?
8-8-05
To be the ultimate cliche of a female in this kind of situation , i remove my own emotions by replacing them with faulty ones on film, and with any luck, can forget a few things that get to me the most, momentarily anyways. Although love is so tricky, it can also be the most simplest thing to encounter. that is, if you find your own way of defining it. i’m still stuck under the roof, perhaps my angst can take me no further than my own front door, and if there is a door to be opened, it will be mine - i just have to find the key, and if i can’t find it - i’ll have to make one.
sometimes i wonder if we ever fully do grow up? what is it to grow up? Do we not remain dreaming? wishing? finding ourselves being playful even when we pass the single digits?I dont think anyone should ever have to grow up, not under the circumstances of what it is to be an adult these days. Why can’t we dream forever? why can’t we spin in circles until we get dizzy and fall over anymore? or do cartwheels until it feels like second nature? why do we supress all of this? why do we hide our inner child? the last thing i worried about ten years ago was money, or a car, or boys, so why now? why can time deem its presence amongst my dreams, or my secret wishes? i can still pretend to be a princess, and i still like to dress up, i still play with make up , and i still chase after boys, just not to beat them up.