(no subject)
22w
One of the oddest things about this path we're on is that despite the awfulness of the situation, I feel more acutely aware of my blessings than ever before. Abby and Isaac came to the hospital cafeteria to have lunch with Adam and I today, and I just stared at them; absorbed Isaac's laugh and the crinkles around his eyes that form when he smiles, and the unique intonation of Abby's voice. It's not that I've not noticed those things before and it's not like I didn't appreciate them, it's just that now, I'm seeing that in order for me personally to view them in this new and indescribable kind of way, this had to come to pass.
I've spent this week feeling almost like I'm under water. I'm seeing things happen around me and am participating, but I still feel like I'm in some sort of dreamland. Initially it was a complete nightmare, but the edges softened, I think with the aid of a lot of prayer and so many people rallying around us. We have a mission here, and we have to fulfill it. There's no choice in the matter, and although it's scarier than I can even describe, it is what it is. There are things to be done. And we're moving forward.
Today. Today was a 'waiting' sort of day. We found out mid-day that he is indeed scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning - confirmation finally. Otherwise, it was a day of routine checks and just being together. I watched Logan build with blocks, send cars down a shoot in the play room, dictate car art, and sleep. He sat with MIL and FIL while Adam and I had lunch and dinner, and had a visit from Heidi, Megan and Justin from church. He was a little cranky while they were there, but they didn't mind a bit. He had a shower this evening in preparation for tomorrow morning, slipped into his brand new Cars pjs, and went to sleep easily. He kissed me good-night about 20 times, and I wanted to just keep doing it forever. He was SO sweet. That's who he is - a sweet-natured little boy. My little Loganey.
I spoke with Abby's teacher this evening. She thanked me for contacting her and sharing. I could tell she was really struggling for words so I told her it was okay; that I didn't really know what to say, either. I feel like Abby will be in good hands. I also called Isabelle to fill her in on what's going on, and it turns out that Peter will be in her class again, which is great. So will a few other kids from her K class - Jonathan and Morgan. Maybe others as well, but Isabelle didn't know offhand. Adam and I tried to talk with Abby about what's going on during lunch, but she didn't want to have the conversation. She used humor and jokes and silly faces and dances to change the subject. We didn't press it, but she sniffled and cried when we headed back upstairs. Of course, she denied it and said she was just tired when I asked if she was feeling sad. My little stoic. We did ask her if she wanted to visit Logan later, so FIL brought her back at dinner time and Adam and I took her up to see him. It was a sweet get-together; she didn't say a word about the little sensors he has on his head, and they were very affectionate and sweet. Adam was really proud of them. So was I. Definitely a heartstrings kind of encounter.
So surgery is tomorrow. I have my alarm set to go off at 5:30 and FIL/MIL will pick me up at 6:15 in the hotel lobby. Adam's Aunt Peg will be watching Isaac and Abby all day, which is awesome. We're blessed that so many people want to help out. The actual start time is amorphous. The surgery team will come talk with us at around 7 or so, and we'll move on from there. The anesthesia resident who will be involved said they usually get started with procedures 7:30 to 8. I don't really know how I'll react to all of it, and am hoping I'll be able to stay calm and balanced. We don't know what we'll do all day long, since the surgery will probably be 6 to 12 hours long, depending on how easy the surgeon can reach the mass and excise it. We don't want to go far in case he comes out of surgery. My brother Charlie is flying up from LA in the evening sometime so it'll be nice to have him around.
So, so much on my mind. I just need to feel peace so I can sleep, and then even more peace tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your prayers, support, notes and encouragement. Every one of you helps to keep me afloat.
One of the oddest things about this path we're on is that despite the awfulness of the situation, I feel more acutely aware of my blessings than ever before. Abby and Isaac came to the hospital cafeteria to have lunch with Adam and I today, and I just stared at them; absorbed Isaac's laugh and the crinkles around his eyes that form when he smiles, and the unique intonation of Abby's voice. It's not that I've not noticed those things before and it's not like I didn't appreciate them, it's just that now, I'm seeing that in order for me personally to view them in this new and indescribable kind of way, this had to come to pass.
I've spent this week feeling almost like I'm under water. I'm seeing things happen around me and am participating, but I still feel like I'm in some sort of dreamland. Initially it was a complete nightmare, but the edges softened, I think with the aid of a lot of prayer and so many people rallying around us. We have a mission here, and we have to fulfill it. There's no choice in the matter, and although it's scarier than I can even describe, it is what it is. There are things to be done. And we're moving forward.
Today. Today was a 'waiting' sort of day. We found out mid-day that he is indeed scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning - confirmation finally. Otherwise, it was a day of routine checks and just being together. I watched Logan build with blocks, send cars down a shoot in the play room, dictate car art, and sleep. He sat with MIL and FIL while Adam and I had lunch and dinner, and had a visit from Heidi, Megan and Justin from church. He was a little cranky while they were there, but they didn't mind a bit. He had a shower this evening in preparation for tomorrow morning, slipped into his brand new Cars pjs, and went to sleep easily. He kissed me good-night about 20 times, and I wanted to just keep doing it forever. He was SO sweet. That's who he is - a sweet-natured little boy. My little Loganey.
I spoke with Abby's teacher this evening. She thanked me for contacting her and sharing. I could tell she was really struggling for words so I told her it was okay; that I didn't really know what to say, either. I feel like Abby will be in good hands. I also called Isabelle to fill her in on what's going on, and it turns out that Peter will be in her class again, which is great. So will a few other kids from her K class - Jonathan and Morgan. Maybe others as well, but Isabelle didn't know offhand. Adam and I tried to talk with Abby about what's going on during lunch, but she didn't want to have the conversation. She used humor and jokes and silly faces and dances to change the subject. We didn't press it, but she sniffled and cried when we headed back upstairs. Of course, she denied it and said she was just tired when I asked if she was feeling sad. My little stoic. We did ask her if she wanted to visit Logan later, so FIL brought her back at dinner time and Adam and I took her up to see him. It was a sweet get-together; she didn't say a word about the little sensors he has on his head, and they were very affectionate and sweet. Adam was really proud of them. So was I. Definitely a heartstrings kind of encounter.
So surgery is tomorrow. I have my alarm set to go off at 5:30 and FIL/MIL will pick me up at 6:15 in the hotel lobby. Adam's Aunt Peg will be watching Isaac and Abby all day, which is awesome. We're blessed that so many people want to help out. The actual start time is amorphous. The surgery team will come talk with us at around 7 or so, and we'll move on from there. The anesthesia resident who will be involved said they usually get started with procedures 7:30 to 8. I don't really know how I'll react to all of it, and am hoping I'll be able to stay calm and balanced. We don't know what we'll do all day long, since the surgery will probably be 6 to 12 hours long, depending on how easy the surgeon can reach the mass and excise it. We don't want to go far in case he comes out of surgery. My brother Charlie is flying up from LA in the evening sometime so it'll be nice to have him around.
So, so much on my mind. I just need to feel peace so I can sleep, and then even more peace tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your prayers, support, notes and encouragement. Every one of you helps to keep me afloat.