Merry Christmas
Today did not feel like Christmas, it just felt like any other friday. This is the first christmas where i haven't felt the christmas spirit and excitment. It's very odd. I think it's because my sisters aren't here also - i've just come out of a really rough patch, and my mind is still very consumed with thoughts; one's of which don't always inflict positivity.
This whole year literally feels like its speeding by, i dont even remember the last four months, august seems like like last week. This is difficult for me to understand/consume.
I feel like I can't grab on to anything, time's sweeping me away and all i want is just to grab on to something grounded and to just not exist in time for a little while.
I'm tired, messy, un-organized, shaken and vulnerable right now, however i put on a front that seems strong, well put-together and figured out.. and sometimes i feel i am these things, but underneath it all remain these struggles.
I feel like i am completely over you now. well maybe 90% but thats damn good progress i'd say. the 10% means i could still fall into your charms.. lol just because thats such a better place to be, than in a bitter state. I still think about you, but now it doesnt get me down. i mean, its a shame i wasted my time and my emotions over the ape you are. you live and you learn. i was definately the idiot in the situation; i was warned, i knew i couldnt trust you from the beginning, yet i was naive and thought something great could come of it. I dont have alot of experience with guys and relationships, so i'm still learning. Deep down, i knew this wasn't good for me - but i ignored it, and just wanted you - all of you.. as you wanted me.. and thought this was worth more than the hurt that i knew would come later. i didnt love you, not even close. There are many things i admire about you, and attract me to you - you helped me alot and in ways you dont even know.
I will never forget how we met, and how amazing you were to me. you truly are good people and i would love to remain friends.. BUT that would be effing hard because im so physically attracted to you, hahahah friends with benefits maybe? lol nah that shit would fuck with my head too much - just like your bad spelling.
I got an espresso maker machine and a new duvettttttt!!!!!
xo
This whole year literally feels like its speeding by, i dont even remember the last four months, august seems like like last week. This is difficult for me to understand/consume.
I feel like I can't grab on to anything, time's sweeping me away and all i want is just to grab on to something grounded and to just not exist in time for a little while.
I'm tired, messy, un-organized, shaken and vulnerable right now, however i put on a front that seems strong, well put-together and figured out.. and sometimes i feel i am these things, but underneath it all remain these struggles.
I feel like i am completely over you now. well maybe 90% but thats damn good progress i'd say. the 10% means i could still fall into your charms.. lol just because thats such a better place to be, than in a bitter state. I still think about you, but now it doesnt get me down. i mean, its a shame i wasted my time and my emotions over the ape you are. you live and you learn. i was definately the idiot in the situation; i was warned, i knew i couldnt trust you from the beginning, yet i was naive and thought something great could come of it. I dont have alot of experience with guys and relationships, so i'm still learning. Deep down, i knew this wasn't good for me - but i ignored it, and just wanted you - all of you.. as you wanted me.. and thought this was worth more than the hurt that i knew would come later. i didnt love you, not even close. There are many things i admire about you, and attract me to you - you helped me alot and in ways you dont even know.
I will never forget how we met, and how amazing you were to me. you truly are good people and i would love to remain friends.. BUT that would be effing hard because im so physically attracted to you, hahahah friends with benefits maybe? lol nah that shit would fuck with my head too much - just like your bad spelling.
I got an espresso maker machine and a new duvettttttt!!!!!
xo