hey
hey guys.... well yea im soo cold.. brr.. lol but yea its weird... ive been single for like 1.5 months!! can u believe it?? lol but yea i mean this kinda proves to me that i dont need a guy.. but it is nice to have one ya kno? but yea hmmm im not just gonna go out with neone.. im gonna find someone special.. again.. someone that wont hurt me.. someone i can joke around with but be serious with at the same time.. someone i can be myself around and not care about looks.. someone who i can talk to all night long and never get sick of them and never get bored with them.. someone i can tell them nething.. except my personal dreams.. i duno i kinda miss that a lot.. it felt good and now it feels like i have everything crammed up in me and just sad.. people tell me i still look happy and stuff and im glad that i look and sound happy when i talk to people but i found out who my tru friends are when they were the ones who knew something was still wrong.. wow thats deep... but yea honestly i hide my feelings or at least try cuz it seems like everyone else is happier that way.. and really it feels like my heart shrunk so much right now and it sux cuz i look at my past relationships and i think wow i cried over him? and i cant believe i felt like i could never love again after him.. and then when someone else came i realized i can love again and be happy again and crying doesnt change shyt.. that u can move on if u CHOOSE too.. but i mean right now its like i forgot all of that and i do cry.. and i do feel like theres no one better out there for me.. and il never be happy again.. but the truth is i can be happy again.. i just didnt figure out how.. i dont want a new guy right now cuz im gonna feel like hes rebound and i know if i was a guys rebound girl i wouldnt like it.. and really i chose not to move on because i dont think im ready to move on.. just thinking about the past still makes me smile knowing that i was so happy and its all because of one guy.. it makes me smile knowing that there is love out there and maybe its a continent or state away or maybe its a 10 minute drive away.. i know now not to look for love but love will come to u.. thats what happened to me and i was the luckiest girl on earth.. people say wow how can one person make u so happy and y do u love him so much even if he hurt u still.. well really i dont understand and i dont want to understand.. there shouldnt be a reason.. you cant fall out of love, its either u love them or u dont and i love him.. if i love someone i will love them forever.. sometimes that love can change to friendship love but trust me that takes a looong time.. my love is so strong that a person i love can push me off the sears tower and i will still love them.. i dont say "i love you" just because the other person said it or just to make someone feel good.. i say it because thats how i feel and because i really do love the person.. just because im mad at someone doesnt mean i stop loving them and i dont hate neone except like 3 people and trust me i told them "i hate you".. i usually tell people how i feel about them.. sometimes they dont wanna hear it, sometimes i got in trouble for it, and sometimes the person i told was happy and so was i.. not everyone likes the truth but the truth is too bad.. thats life.. if u ask me if i love you i will tell u the truth.. and if u ask me if i hate u or dont like u i will tell u the truth.. thats just how i am because if i asked anyone that then i would wanna know the truth.. ya know? well ima go now this journal was pretty deep and i really got to express my feelings.. soo yea call my cell so we can talk cuz im not gonna be online that much nemore... thursday i have cheerleading practice.. friday carly is gonna kick melissas ass again lmfao.. saturday im goin out with bianca, mike, carly n sam driving haha fun times! and we might go to a rita game n then later on in the night we're goin to ridge to see the grudge or saw.. sunday im not sure yet... soo ya byeeee
xoxo maria
xoxo maria