Of the Sun, Moon, and Earth. (Or, Why I'm Glad My Mom Can't Work LJ)
Deeply personal things here, chilluns. I'm using this El-Jay for what it was made for. (Sorry in advance for stretching f-lists. I FAIL at LJ-cuts.)
For those of you who understand the reference, I'm a child of the Sun in an Earth body. Technically that should make me a child of the Moon, which I definitely am (if you don't know how fiercely I defend this).
...For those of you unfamiliar with Hedwig and the Angry Inch, I'm a gay man in a woman's body. Making me straight.
PROBLEM IS. Because I'm a gay man in a woman's body, I'm unfortunate enough to be mostly attracted to gay men. ):
Because of this setback and the fact that I really know so few boys, I'm surrounded by girls most of the time.
And I think it's making me bi.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to (ever) be all "OMG BOOBIES." Ick. But I recognize the beauty of the female form Like a clothing designer, except with no fashion sense, and while I don't necessarily want to see it naked, I think it's soft and gentle and warm and fun to hug. I like hugs. I really, really like hugs.
A brief history of my love life, and why the hell I'm so fucked up and confused at the moment:
So as an only child, some socially formative years were spent holed away from other kids. I had a hard time making friends, but finally, when I was twelve, I thought I'd found my niche. And in that niche, was a boy. A boy who I immediately puppy-dogged because he was cute and adored because he let me follow him. He kissed me. I kissed him. We kissed. A lot.
Then the next school year, I found out he was gay.
Eighth grade, and once again I developed a crush on a boy who I was in a play with. I wrote him a letter that, immaturely enough, said that I "like liked" him. He shot me down as kindly as he could, but it still hurt. Pretty much then, I decided that if I ever tried to fall in love again I'd wait until the other person said something.
So now we have a gay man in a woman's body, with one, possibly two, experiences of dating or wanting to date gay boys under her belt. Then I got a painful crush on my gay friend - which I totally ranted about on my last borderline-suicidal entry.
(This is how much of a man I mentally am. I had a brief thought that the fact that most of my friends were all about the T&V actually meant that I was lucky because I didn't even need to mess with any of this.)
I love and adore all of my friends dearly. I would like nothing more than to be able to spend all of my time with you. You are all so amazing on so many levels, and you accepted me, which is more than I would have expected from such cool people. This is why I kind of feel like a third wheel when you're all dating each other, is because it makes me feel like you always want to be alone. But that's okay, I can deal.
But I'm starting to get an "always the bridesmaid" complex about it. I know it's absurd, but I'm jealous. I haven't had a significant other since I was twelve. You guys can give your hearts to each other so easily, take them back, move on like nothing happened. I kind of feel like I'm always on the outside of the circle, because I'm close to all of you, but I'm not that close.
And despite all of my het-tastical straightness, I really, really want to be. I want to be able to cuddle without making anyone jealous because I'm the one fully entitled to it.
...I might be bi-curious for this, but I want to have a relationship again. I'm nursing two crushes right now, really really bad. I'm almost sure that the boy I'm crushing on doesn't look at me that way, and the girl doesn't either probably, plus she's got her own shit to sort through right now. I'm not going to fuck with it. I get it. I'm not pretty enough to get my way when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart, and past experiences have left me properly jaded and chastened.
To my friends, I love you guys. You're all beautiful, in your own dysfunctional ways, and I don't know what I would do without you guys to help me through high school. I'm ecstatic to be on you guys' party short lists. I'm amazed I've made it that far into our little group. It's just kind of hard to be always the third wheel, always the bridesmaid and never the bride. I just...don't want to be on the outside of the circle anymore, guys.
For those of you who understand the reference, I'm a child of the Sun in an Earth body. Technically that should make me a child of the Moon, which I definitely am (if you don't know how fiercely I defend this).
...For those of you unfamiliar with Hedwig and the Angry Inch, I'm a gay man in a woman's body. Making me straight.
PROBLEM IS. Because I'm a gay man in a woman's body, I'm unfortunate enough to be mostly attracted to gay men. ):
Because of this setback and the fact that I really know so few boys, I'm surrounded by girls most of the time.
And I think it's making me bi.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to (ever) be all "OMG BOOBIES." Ick. But I recognize the beauty of the female form Like a clothing designer, except with no fashion sense, and while I don't necessarily want to see it naked, I think it's soft and gentle and warm and fun to hug. I like hugs. I really, really like hugs.
A brief history of my love life, and why the hell I'm so fucked up and confused at the moment:
So as an only child, some socially formative years were spent holed away from other kids. I had a hard time making friends, but finally, when I was twelve, I thought I'd found my niche. And in that niche, was a boy. A boy who I immediately puppy-dogged because he was cute and adored because he let me follow him. He kissed me. I kissed him. We kissed. A lot.
Then the next school year, I found out he was gay.
Eighth grade, and once again I developed a crush on a boy who I was in a play with. I wrote him a letter that, immaturely enough, said that I "like liked" him. He shot me down as kindly as he could, but it still hurt. Pretty much then, I decided that if I ever tried to fall in love again I'd wait until the other person said something.
So now we have a gay man in a woman's body, with one, possibly two, experiences of dating or wanting to date gay boys under her belt. Then I got a painful crush on my gay friend - which I totally ranted about on my last borderline-suicidal entry.
(This is how much of a man I mentally am. I had a brief thought that the fact that most of my friends were all about the T&V actually meant that I was lucky because I didn't even need to mess with any of this.)
I love and adore all of my friends dearly. I would like nothing more than to be able to spend all of my time with you. You are all so amazing on so many levels, and you accepted me, which is more than I would have expected from such cool people. This is why I kind of feel like a third wheel when you're all dating each other, is because it makes me feel like you always want to be alone. But that's okay, I can deal.
But I'm starting to get an "always the bridesmaid" complex about it. I know it's absurd, but I'm jealous. I haven't had a significant other since I was twelve. You guys can give your hearts to each other so easily, take them back, move on like nothing happened. I kind of feel like I'm always on the outside of the circle, because I'm close to all of you, but I'm not that close.
And despite all of my het-tastical straightness, I really, really want to be. I want to be able to cuddle without making anyone jealous because I'm the one fully entitled to it.
...I might be bi-curious for this, but I want to have a relationship again. I'm nursing two crushes right now, really really bad. I'm almost sure that the boy I'm crushing on doesn't look at me that way, and the girl doesn't either probably, plus she's got her own shit to sort through right now. I'm not going to fuck with it. I get it. I'm not pretty enough to get my way when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart, and past experiences have left me properly jaded and chastened.
To my friends, I love you guys. You're all beautiful, in your own dysfunctional ways, and I don't know what I would do without you guys to help me through high school. I'm ecstatic to be on you guys' party short lists. I'm amazed I've made it that far into our little group. It's just kind of hard to be always the third wheel, always the bridesmaid and never the bride. I just...don't want to be on the outside of the circle anymore, guys.