(no subject)
I need to just breath right now and every day after. I need answers when I ask them, but I never seem to get them all the time.
Just need to breath, just need to breath. I was shaking last night when she left did I write that? I don’t really remember. It seems like a blur right now. I was shaking cause I was pissed then I got upset and proceeded to let a few tears slip through. For anger and then sadness because I’m not enough. Her leaving and pursuing this has told me this. I feel like ending it before it takes anymore days with it. I was going to ask her to stay, like she asked me to not go back to work what seems like many times before. I didn’t though because I realize that that thought and with that question to be asked would be selfish. Am I selfish do you think? Sometimes I think I am, sometimes I think not. Who’s to say, who’s to say. Who’s to answer that question for me? Truthfully?
Okay back to thoughts of a few passed seconds there. I was pissed that I was denied because she had to wait till the last minute to get ready, but you know what? Now that I think about it I probably would have even gotten pissed if she would have gotten ready earlier. I don’t fucking make sense, I really don’t. I get pissed and agitated really easily sometimes. Like I could soo freak out and just punch something.
I want what she doesn’t, I know this. Or I just really think I do. If she wants a bf then or now she can have a bf. I’m not going to continue this what might end up to be a short-lived relationship if that’s what she wants. I want a gf and only a gf. I want A partner not 2, not even on her part. That’s what it will be if she has a bf I will have 2 partners not 1. I don’t trust guys and what they say a lot. They like to talk a lot of shit so you’ll think they are what they aren’t and most of them just want sex all the time anyways. I’ve had a few good times with them, but I just don’t think that that’s what I really want. That’s what I have learned. Again I say, “I want A partner not 2.” I have been faithful to everyone that I’ve been with in the past and plain on staying true to that. How am I supposed to trust someone that I’m not in a relationship with? How am I supposed to believe in the feeling that they have for her is true or whatever and that they would or will stay true to her?
WHY would I want to be put in the situation to have to worry about someone else cheating on her and maybe catching diseases or something and then giving them to her and then in turn giving them to me? Again I say NO. I don’t need that, that is much unneeded stress and bullshit. End of story I know that a long time ago I was like yeah I want a gf and a bf and my gf can have a bf too, but that thought has long since changed. I’m not capable of letting that happen. I found out that you say things like that when you never have yet had the time to experience them. Once you are set in that position things change or your thoughts just change in time.
I’m too…what is the word, not possessive, I don’t know the word right now. I just don’t want that now. I don’t want a bf and I told her that yesterday and I guess that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t tell her if she can have one or not. I just don’t feel right doing that. I feel like Adam right now. Telling her that she can’t have a bf, ever? I don’t fucking know. I really don’t see that happening. I want her and only her and I want her and only her to want me. When she asked me what if months down the road I really get to know Brad I knew what she meant by that, but I asked her anyways. She never did give me an answer. She just said okay let me just stop talking right now. I was glad because I was getting agitated that she was even talking about it. She could tell that. I don’t talk when I get agitated because I say things that I’m not quite sure I should be saying out loud or at all. She should have known my answer just by that. No. I want her all to myself, if you want to label me as being selfish then you go right a fucking head and do it. I don’t fucking care. I don’t want someone else touching her and pleasuring her the way I do. But could someone else be able to more so then I? Maybe there is and if she still wants to seek that out then fine. I don’t want to stay in this then. I don’t want someone else using and taking up my time with her. We already don’t have enough time sometimes.
She’s sleeping at this very moment actually. I knew that this was going to happen before I fell asleep myself last night. I thought I bet she’s going to either come home after the movie(doubtful) or she’s going to hang out with him afterwards. I guess she hung out with him afterwards like I thought because she got home right as I woke up. It was fuckin weird as shit. I woke up and looked at the time it was 7 something am. No lie like a few seconds later she pulled up. I laid back down and tried soo desperately to fall back a sleep fast. I couldn’t. I had enough sleep and my thoughts were going so I couldn’t fall back asleep at all. This is why I’m here writing now for the past 2 hours at least, like always. So I’m stuck here writing my thoughts and thinking more than I should because she chose to stay out with Brad and now she’s sleeping time away, when most people are up by now. I bet she’s going to sleep till noon or 1pm now. You know what? It’s nice outside I think. Well it looks like it anyways. I think I’m going to just throw some clothes on and I’m leaving for the outside world. I’m running away from this shit. I’m going to do what I do best, simply because she’s sleeping and I’m taking the weed with me. You just sleep angel and don’t worry about me. Thanks for texting me back right away to let me know that you even got my texts and thanks for even calling me. Right.
I’m up…
BECAUSE MY THOUGHTS KEEP ME AWAKE...
Do you understand this?
I know what I want and I know what will keep me busy and happy. Chloe’s depressed when she’s alone, well hunny I never said it but I’m the same way. I need someone there to hold onto and keep me sane, keep me on the train. I need someone to keep me from breaking loose and sliding into the window pane. It keeps me from just walking off somewhere and never coming back. I wander if I could do that. Just walk off and never come back or leave for like 1 day and never tell anyone where I’m going. I’m insane I know this, but does anyone else know? I think it’s funny how people call me crazy at work, even the nurses that I only see on the runs and when I worked in food services. I mean they don’t even see me all the time and they call me crazy. Wouldn’t it be crazy itself if I was diagnosed with some kind of crazy disorder or later in life I had a mental breakdown. I bet I will have a mid life crisis and freak out. I can see it happening the way I freak out sometimes. I have anxiety attacks and start breathing heavy or I gasp for my breath and the rhythm of it is all off and I start to shake and I get lightheaded and just have to sit down.
I can’t see me being everything that she needs. I really don’t simply because I can’t provide her with the children that she yearns for in years? I should know this, but it’s just when you want something soo bad and love it unconditionally you hold onto what you believe. When it just you and her it feels soo right and everything is what it seems, perfect. Right? No not all the time. It can’t seem perfect all the time can it? And it seems perfect to you because you don’t want or need a bf and you don’t want kids yourself, but does it seem that perfect to her at all or when I think it does? Does she wonder why she’s really here with me, does she regret having to come back to me the 2nd time around? Actually it might be like the 3rd or 4th time now. That’s what I think about. And what I thought and felt like was 2nd best and that’s what I still feel like sometimes. Who wants to feel like 2nd best for the rest of there life? I sure as hell don’t.
I just went to the bathroom and then washed my hands like all good kids do. I looked into the mirror and once again the circles are there. They won’t go away. They won’t leave me alone. They just keep pulling at my eyes and sinking them down more and more. I smoke too much. This is the main reason, maybe the only reason why I have them. I guess not getting enough sleep is also a factor. Who’s to say. What the hell is completely from. Fuck this I’m done. -- >10:28pm
Just need to breath, just need to breath. I was shaking last night when she left did I write that? I don’t really remember. It seems like a blur right now. I was shaking cause I was pissed then I got upset and proceeded to let a few tears slip through. For anger and then sadness because I’m not enough. Her leaving and pursuing this has told me this. I feel like ending it before it takes anymore days with it. I was going to ask her to stay, like she asked me to not go back to work what seems like many times before. I didn’t though because I realize that that thought and with that question to be asked would be selfish. Am I selfish do you think? Sometimes I think I am, sometimes I think not. Who’s to say, who’s to say. Who’s to answer that question for me? Truthfully?
Okay back to thoughts of a few passed seconds there. I was pissed that I was denied because she had to wait till the last minute to get ready, but you know what? Now that I think about it I probably would have even gotten pissed if she would have gotten ready earlier. I don’t fucking make sense, I really don’t. I get pissed and agitated really easily sometimes. Like I could soo freak out and just punch something.
I want what she doesn’t, I know this. Or I just really think I do. If she wants a bf then or now she can have a bf. I’m not going to continue this what might end up to be a short-lived relationship if that’s what she wants. I want a gf and only a gf. I want A partner not 2, not even on her part. That’s what it will be if she has a bf I will have 2 partners not 1. I don’t trust guys and what they say a lot. They like to talk a lot of shit so you’ll think they are what they aren’t and most of them just want sex all the time anyways. I’ve had a few good times with them, but I just don’t think that that’s what I really want. That’s what I have learned. Again I say, “I want A partner not 2.” I have been faithful to everyone that I’ve been with in the past and plain on staying true to that. How am I supposed to trust someone that I’m not in a relationship with? How am I supposed to believe in the feeling that they have for her is true or whatever and that they would or will stay true to her?
WHY would I want to be put in the situation to have to worry about someone else cheating on her and maybe catching diseases or something and then giving them to her and then in turn giving them to me? Again I say NO. I don’t need that, that is much unneeded stress and bullshit. End of story I know that a long time ago I was like yeah I want a gf and a bf and my gf can have a bf too, but that thought has long since changed. I’m not capable of letting that happen. I found out that you say things like that when you never have yet had the time to experience them. Once you are set in that position things change or your thoughts just change in time.
I’m too…what is the word, not possessive, I don’t know the word right now. I just don’t want that now. I don’t want a bf and I told her that yesterday and I guess that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t tell her if she can have one or not. I just don’t feel right doing that. I feel like Adam right now. Telling her that she can’t have a bf, ever? I don’t fucking know. I really don’t see that happening. I want her and only her and I want her and only her to want me. When she asked me what if months down the road I really get to know Brad I knew what she meant by that, but I asked her anyways. She never did give me an answer. She just said okay let me just stop talking right now. I was glad because I was getting agitated that she was even talking about it. She could tell that. I don’t talk when I get agitated because I say things that I’m not quite sure I should be saying out loud or at all. She should have known my answer just by that. No. I want her all to myself, if you want to label me as being selfish then you go right a fucking head and do it. I don’t fucking care. I don’t want someone else touching her and pleasuring her the way I do. But could someone else be able to more so then I? Maybe there is and if she still wants to seek that out then fine. I don’t want to stay in this then. I don’t want someone else using and taking up my time with her. We already don’t have enough time sometimes.
She’s sleeping at this very moment actually. I knew that this was going to happen before I fell asleep myself last night. I thought I bet she’s going to either come home after the movie(doubtful) or she’s going to hang out with him afterwards. I guess she hung out with him afterwards like I thought because she got home right as I woke up. It was fuckin weird as shit. I woke up and looked at the time it was 7 something am. No lie like a few seconds later she pulled up. I laid back down and tried soo desperately to fall back a sleep fast. I couldn’t. I had enough sleep and my thoughts were going so I couldn’t fall back asleep at all. This is why I’m here writing now for the past 2 hours at least, like always. So I’m stuck here writing my thoughts and thinking more than I should because she chose to stay out with Brad and now she’s sleeping time away, when most people are up by now. I bet she’s going to sleep till noon or 1pm now. You know what? It’s nice outside I think. Well it looks like it anyways. I think I’m going to just throw some clothes on and I’m leaving for the outside world. I’m running away from this shit. I’m going to do what I do best, simply because she’s sleeping and I’m taking the weed with me. You just sleep angel and don’t worry about me. Thanks for texting me back right away to let me know that you even got my texts and thanks for even calling me. Right.
I’m up…
BECAUSE MY THOUGHTS KEEP ME AWAKE...
Do you understand this?
I know what I want and I know what will keep me busy and happy. Chloe’s depressed when she’s alone, well hunny I never said it but I’m the same way. I need someone there to hold onto and keep me sane, keep me on the train. I need someone to keep me from breaking loose and sliding into the window pane. It keeps me from just walking off somewhere and never coming back. I wander if I could do that. Just walk off and never come back or leave for like 1 day and never tell anyone where I’m going. I’m insane I know this, but does anyone else know? I think it’s funny how people call me crazy at work, even the nurses that I only see on the runs and when I worked in food services. I mean they don’t even see me all the time and they call me crazy. Wouldn’t it be crazy itself if I was diagnosed with some kind of crazy disorder or later in life I had a mental breakdown. I bet I will have a mid life crisis and freak out. I can see it happening the way I freak out sometimes. I have anxiety attacks and start breathing heavy or I gasp for my breath and the rhythm of it is all off and I start to shake and I get lightheaded and just have to sit down.
I can’t see me being everything that she needs. I really don’t simply because I can’t provide her with the children that she yearns for in years? I should know this, but it’s just when you want something soo bad and love it unconditionally you hold onto what you believe. When it just you and her it feels soo right and everything is what it seems, perfect. Right? No not all the time. It can’t seem perfect all the time can it? And it seems perfect to you because you don’t want or need a bf and you don’t want kids yourself, but does it seem that perfect to her at all or when I think it does? Does she wonder why she’s really here with me, does she regret having to come back to me the 2nd time around? Actually it might be like the 3rd or 4th time now. That’s what I think about. And what I thought and felt like was 2nd best and that’s what I still feel like sometimes. Who wants to feel like 2nd best for the rest of there life? I sure as hell don’t.
I just went to the bathroom and then washed my hands like all good kids do. I looked into the mirror and once again the circles are there. They won’t go away. They won’t leave me alone. They just keep pulling at my eyes and sinking them down more and more. I smoke too much. This is the main reason, maybe the only reason why I have them. I guess not getting enough sleep is also a factor. Who’s to say. What the hell is completely from. Fuck this I’m done. -- >10:28pm