(no subject)
i remember being fun.. lively, spontaneous, exciting. i remember having control.. over myself, my choices, my willpower. i remember being involved. i dont know where i'm at & why i am in this state, but i am definitely stuck.
i cant help but think how things would be if certain things never happened. i cant even BEGIN to wonder how different i would be if i never moved & stayed with jasmine. i somehow KNOW i would have gone to the same private school as her, because i wouldnt want it any other way. i probably would have been friends with all of her friends. we would probably go on family vacations together. eat our ice cream and watch our movies. listen to pop music & dance around like girls do. i am almost positive that i would be an entirely different person.
i often wonder about how i used to have such passion about things. i feel like someone should be blamed for me changing so drastically. or maybe someone should be thanked. i had things that i loved, things that i truly believed in. now i dont really have any of that. i am no longer passionate about animal rights or being straight edge. i am no longer thriving on lyrics and singing. my first real passion was singing. and i pursued it for a while.. & look at me now, the ONE goal i had all throughout middle school was to be in madrigals at danbury high school, i really held on to that one for a while huh.. i just dont know how to snap out of this. and i dont know whats causing it. well i have my theories. but any attempt to reverse this awful pickle i'm in gets shot down automatically because of my procrastination or because of my inability to stick to something that i say i'll stick to.
there really is no better words to describe how i feel than to say that i am in one hell of a pickle. when i wrote that up in the previous paragraph i thought to myself "who the fuck says 'in a pickle'!?" but now after re-reading it, it couldnt make more sense. i am in such a pickle. & i hate the days when i wake up and think to myself things could be so much better. or, everythings falling apart at the seams. but everything is actually falling apart. i wonder all the time how no one notices, but i guess i just know how to make it seem like its not a big deal. when the walls feel like theyre closing in, i feel so helpless because i know i could have prevented this. i know i should do a lot of things, but sometimes knowing really isnt enough. people know they shouldnt kill other people, but they find a way to get past the true blue fact of knowing right from wrong and they do it anyway.
i need some sort of a break through.
i cant help but think how things would be if certain things never happened. i cant even BEGIN to wonder how different i would be if i never moved & stayed with jasmine. i somehow KNOW i would have gone to the same private school as her, because i wouldnt want it any other way. i probably would have been friends with all of her friends. we would probably go on family vacations together. eat our ice cream and watch our movies. listen to pop music & dance around like girls do. i am almost positive that i would be an entirely different person.
i often wonder about how i used to have such passion about things. i feel like someone should be blamed for me changing so drastically. or maybe someone should be thanked. i had things that i loved, things that i truly believed in. now i dont really have any of that. i am no longer passionate about animal rights or being straight edge. i am no longer thriving on lyrics and singing. my first real passion was singing. and i pursued it for a while.. & look at me now, the ONE goal i had all throughout middle school was to be in madrigals at danbury high school, i really held on to that one for a while huh.. i just dont know how to snap out of this. and i dont know whats causing it. well i have my theories. but any attempt to reverse this awful pickle i'm in gets shot down automatically because of my procrastination or because of my inability to stick to something that i say i'll stick to.
there really is no better words to describe how i feel than to say that i am in one hell of a pickle. when i wrote that up in the previous paragraph i thought to myself "who the fuck says 'in a pickle'!?" but now after re-reading it, it couldnt make more sense. i am in such a pickle. & i hate the days when i wake up and think to myself things could be so much better. or, everythings falling apart at the seams. but everything is actually falling apart. i wonder all the time how no one notices, but i guess i just know how to make it seem like its not a big deal. when the walls feel like theyre closing in, i feel so helpless because i know i could have prevented this. i know i should do a lot of things, but sometimes knowing really isnt enough. people know they shouldnt kill other people, but they find a way to get past the true blue fact of knowing right from wrong and they do it anyway.
i need some sort of a break through.