(no subject)
I hate not having time to relax and do nothing.
What I should really be doing right now is running my asssssss off. I'm so sick of myself--and have been for years--and I'm really sick of that. Self-improvement is a lot harder than it sounds, lol.
The thing that gets me down the most is f'n food. Obviously. I talk about it incessantly (sorry!). But I can't help it. I turned into a freak in a moments notice. Well, I was kind of always a closet freak about eating. Except now I actually do it whereas before I didn't....which could be what is contributing to my increased psychosis, lol.
Seriously, though, it just really sucks. I restrict myself so much b/c I DESPERATELY want to lose weight, but restricting myself so severely causes me to BINGE and over-eat like no one I've ever seen before. I'm not eating b/c I'm hungry, I'm basically eating in spite of myself. Like I'm trying to make myself mad at..myself...on purpose. That's very crazy of me, I know. (And when I say "restrict" I mean that I cut out the "bad" food. I'm not starving myself...anymore.)
SO. I try to tell myself to eat only when I'm hungry...but eat whatever I feel like at the time (within reason). And it's not working at all b/c I have a meltdown when I think about :gasp: how many calories are in evertyhing. And if I find myself over indulging, I try not to eat for the rest of the day. How unhealthy can I be?! I can't even enjoy food...it's like a chore. I get so angry at myself if I eat more than one cookie (and I usually eat about 6+ at any one time...YUCK).
I know how bad it all is for me...and the effects on my body...but apparently that's not enough to stop me. I just really don't know what to do. Clearly, I have the DESIRE to fix it, but I just don't know how. I'm too defiant.
I really want to lose weight so bad. I don't know that it would necessarily make me happy, but I think (or I hope) I would feel better about myself. And that's really important to me.
When I start getting into an exercise routine, I get EXTREMELY addicted and obsessed with it. I hate when that happens...I burn out and I can't keep up with myself.
Why can't I do anything in moderation?!
Over the summer, I would run about 2 miles, jump off the treadmill and head to the gym and get on the arc trainer for an hour...and THEN I would lift for about 30-45 minutes. I was really SO determined, but I obviously over did it. And after a while I found it hard to workout b/c I wouldn't let myself perform at a level that was any lower than that--I would get really upset with myself.
And that's what always happens. I have no idea why I do that to myself. I really don't. It's gratifying to know that I did something really good for my body, but it's also detrimental b/c I get upset and depressed if I can't keep it up. :sigh:.
Even at school, when I started running again, I started off slow, then once I raised the bar to 5 miles, I had to run 5 miles all the time. I would end up running 15-20+ miles in a week. And now my shins are fucked up, lol.
Rah. Now it just sucks b/c I got so burned out/injured that it's like starting all over again. I could run for an hour before I stopped, now I'm back down to about 40 minutes before I'm PANTING like a St. Bernard in the middle of August. It's discouraging.
I started running again last week..and I haven't been keeping with my usual schedule (run 2 days, then take a day off). I kind of just run when I'm really pissed at myself and I take more days off than I should. And even still when I gently touch my shins, I get a shooting, searing pain.
I don't want to stop running, but I also don't want to hurt myself even more than I already have. :shrug:. I wonder if it's something more than shin splints? I don't think they would have come back so quickly? I wonder if I have tiny, hairline fractures in my shin bone from the high impact. Would it hurt more if that's what it was? Ugh. I don't know.
I'm so afraid of being fat. It's ridiculous.
What I should really be doing right now is running my asssssss off. I'm so sick of myself--and have been for years--and I'm really sick of that. Self-improvement is a lot harder than it sounds, lol.
The thing that gets me down the most is f'n food. Obviously. I talk about it incessantly (sorry!). But I can't help it. I turned into a freak in a moments notice. Well, I was kind of always a closet freak about eating. Except now I actually do it whereas before I didn't....which could be what is contributing to my increased psychosis, lol.
Seriously, though, it just really sucks. I restrict myself so much b/c I DESPERATELY want to lose weight, but restricting myself so severely causes me to BINGE and over-eat like no one I've ever seen before. I'm not eating b/c I'm hungry, I'm basically eating in spite of myself. Like I'm trying to make myself mad at..myself...on purpose. That's very crazy of me, I know. (And when I say "restrict" I mean that I cut out the "bad" food. I'm not starving myself...anymore.)
SO. I try to tell myself to eat only when I'm hungry...but eat whatever I feel like at the time (within reason). And it's not working at all b/c I have a meltdown when I think about :gasp: how many calories are in evertyhing. And if I find myself over indulging, I try not to eat for the rest of the day. How unhealthy can I be?! I can't even enjoy food...it's like a chore. I get so angry at myself if I eat more than one cookie (and I usually eat about 6+ at any one time...YUCK).
I know how bad it all is for me...and the effects on my body...but apparently that's not enough to stop me. I just really don't know what to do. Clearly, I have the DESIRE to fix it, but I just don't know how. I'm too defiant.
I really want to lose weight so bad. I don't know that it would necessarily make me happy, but I think (or I hope) I would feel better about myself. And that's really important to me.
When I start getting into an exercise routine, I get EXTREMELY addicted and obsessed with it. I hate when that happens...I burn out and I can't keep up with myself.
Why can't I do anything in moderation?!
Over the summer, I would run about 2 miles, jump off the treadmill and head to the gym and get on the arc trainer for an hour...and THEN I would lift for about 30-45 minutes. I was really SO determined, but I obviously over did it. And after a while I found it hard to workout b/c I wouldn't let myself perform at a level that was any lower than that--I would get really upset with myself.
And that's what always happens. I have no idea why I do that to myself. I really don't. It's gratifying to know that I did something really good for my body, but it's also detrimental b/c I get upset and depressed if I can't keep it up. :sigh:.
Even at school, when I started running again, I started off slow, then once I raised the bar to 5 miles, I had to run 5 miles all the time. I would end up running 15-20+ miles in a week. And now my shins are fucked up, lol.
Rah. Now it just sucks b/c I got so burned out/injured that it's like starting all over again. I could run for an hour before I stopped, now I'm back down to about 40 minutes before I'm PANTING like a St. Bernard in the middle of August. It's discouraging.
I started running again last week..and I haven't been keeping with my usual schedule (run 2 days, then take a day off). I kind of just run when I'm really pissed at myself and I take more days off than I should. And even still when I gently touch my shins, I get a shooting, searing pain.
I don't want to stop running, but I also don't want to hurt myself even more than I already have. :shrug:. I wonder if it's something more than shin splints? I don't think they would have come back so quickly? I wonder if I have tiny, hairline fractures in my shin bone from the high impact. Would it hurt more if that's what it was? Ugh. I don't know.
I'm so afraid of being fat. It's ridiculous.