tuesday.. rawr.. and 4-20
otay, i know i'm not what people like to call "regular" with this thing, but.. hey, at least i do update every now and then. i'm super happy, i found out my friend Jess is still online, and still as sarcastic and as humorous as ever, he didn't even change his SN. he and i have done some catching up, that's for sure, and maybe he's reading this morning? if you are Jess, leave me a note! i demand it! lmfao.. like me, a five foot, three inch tall red head can do anything more than chew on your leg. for the record, Jess is six foot, eight inches tall.. is that right? that's what i remember anyways. my friend Amber (not to be confused with the online 'Mber.) was trying to get me to leave with her today, to go smoke, i had to decline, because i'm a huge geek and i never miss class, and because i don't smoke.. surprising, right? the only thing i do, is drink on occasion, and if i'm particularly upset, smoke a cigarette, but it takes me a lot to push me to that point. Amber reminds me of my Dane in certain ways, her attitude towards people, i'd like to think that if Dane was a stoner, not that she ever would be (another reason why i'm proud of everything she does, even if it's something small.), that she and Amber would be nearly exactly the same, save for the fact that Amber is blonde, and kind of a mix between surfer girl, stoner, and prep, and Dane is just Dane. no one compares to her, and even though i don't talk to her every day, i still think about her non stop. you hear that sugah daddy? even if i'm not online, write me an e-mail, for no reason, or if something is bugging you, i'll be on sooner or later, hopefully sooner, and i'll be there to listen. technically this goes for everyone i know, because there are those amongst you who've nursed me through some pretty painful times, when i thought that every thing i've accomplished in the past, oh.. nearly three years, in about ten days, didn't mean anything. i know in my heart that this is always going to sting, and that there was nothing i could have done to stop what happened, but that doesn't stop the "what if" from creeping up behind me and smacking me hard across the face. it doesn't make what Rob said right, that's for sure (!!!!!), but then again, it doesn't make him wrong either. and i know that i am giving him to much credit, but that's a wound that's still trying to mend, something i'm going to have to deal with every time i go for a walk in the park and see mothers and their children playing. every time my mind starts to imagine what Annalease Nicole might look like today, or what it would be like to be able to tuck her in at night, listen to her babble at me about school and screw things up, ("look! the birdie flied!"), there are a lot of things i'm missing out on, maybe for the better, because now i'm trying a lot harder with school, and piecing my life back together. i went and saw Justin (Annalease's daddy) the other day, he's improving faster than the doctors expected, but his mind is still locked between the time period in which he and I were still together, and somewhere in his childhood (they say about five or six years old). for a while i quit going, because every time i showed up.. he asked where Annalease was, and i had to pretend that she was still alive and well, at home with a babysitter.. and the doctors suggested that i not cry in front of him. he was so excited to see me that he knocked over a nurse when he tripped on the leg of a chair, which was slightly amusing, but it felt good to know that he still cares about me in a way that's beyond friends, he didn't even ask about Annalease this time, which was just fine with me. he was talking with me on an adult level, which was a huge improvement from the last time i went to see him. last time he was talking to me as though he really were five or six years old, and through all this, i felt calm, at ease with a certain part of me that felt guilty for him being institutionalized in the first place, again rotating back to me wondering what would have happened if i hadn't been driving that day.
and honestly, i feel better now, there are a lot of things i don't share right up front, simply because i don't feel comfortable enough at that point and time to talk about them.. and this has been something that was bugging me particularly today, because i dreamt, or rather fantasized, that my little girl was mine all over again, there was no accident, and we were blowing out the candles on her birthday cake. there are two days in which i celebrate, and maybe it's morbid of me, but i usually have at least one drink on April 30th, the anniversary of her death, and July 11th, her birthday. i'll quit while i'm ahead, and wrap this up, simply because i can't think of anything else to say right now.
so far, 4-20 has turned out to be a decent enough day, but seeing as how it's only about 9 in the morning my time, it could easily tip the scales either way. just ten more days, and then exactly three years ago, i was just another, statistical, young mother who managed to gain the anger of whoever controls life and death, and receive the largest, deepest wound that could be inflicted, that to this day my mother likes to rub salt in every time i piss her off, or in some cases, people like to use against me in order to do as much damage as possible. again, i might be giving Rob too much credit, but his words sometimes come back to haunt me, because they're burned right under the picture of Annalease in her hospital bed with wires, plugs, and machines connected to her.
"You know what.. you should of died instead of your daughter, at least she could of had a chance to grow up and be a respectable person."
and to this, Rob, i promptly say fuck you, and call it a day, i'm out, leave me a note if you feel inclined to, i know i was kind of long winded this time around.
and honestly, i feel better now, there are a lot of things i don't share right up front, simply because i don't feel comfortable enough at that point and time to talk about them.. and this has been something that was bugging me particularly today, because i dreamt, or rather fantasized, that my little girl was mine all over again, there was no accident, and we were blowing out the candles on her birthday cake. there are two days in which i celebrate, and maybe it's morbid of me, but i usually have at least one drink on April 30th, the anniversary of her death, and July 11th, her birthday. i'll quit while i'm ahead, and wrap this up, simply because i can't think of anything else to say right now.
so far, 4-20 has turned out to be a decent enough day, but seeing as how it's only about 9 in the morning my time, it could easily tip the scales either way. just ten more days, and then exactly three years ago, i was just another, statistical, young mother who managed to gain the anger of whoever controls life and death, and receive the largest, deepest wound that could be inflicted, that to this day my mother likes to rub salt in every time i piss her off, or in some cases, people like to use against me in order to do as much damage as possible. again, i might be giving Rob too much credit, but his words sometimes come back to haunt me, because they're burned right under the picture of Annalease in her hospital bed with wires, plugs, and machines connected to her.
"You know what.. you should of died instead of your daughter, at least she could of had a chance to grow up and be a respectable person."
and to this, Rob, i promptly say fuck you, and call it a day, i'm out, leave me a note if you feel inclined to, i know i was kind of long winded this time around.