(no subject)
I am so tired that I feel I just want to sit down and have a real good cry. School it is just so depressing. I am so amazingly tired that I don't know what to do with myself. I kinda wish that I could have a good cry right now. It was months (if not years) I ago I cried over stupid things like this so it might as well be the time to do that now. I stress so much that I feel like I am falling apart. Works has to be handed in here and there and I just want to hold a red ass sign with white letters saying "STOP". I feel that I can't stop anywhere and breathe out. It is just too much. :( I can't be a good girl and do this. I'm lacking so much sleep lately because of all these fuckin late nights with schoolwork and coffee. I can't just take one more.
And just to the top of that I feel so ashamed right now of those stupid marks I have on my neck. A guy was so "nice" and gave me them last friday. STUPIDFUCKINCUNTYUGLYGUY! I want them to disappear NOW. I hate them hate them and hate them. It's nothing for people in my age to get. I have been wearing scarves, polo shirts, hoodies. Just to make them stay non seen. I tried to put on make up to them today, they got better but it is still so fuckin ugly that I just want to do like the ostriches and dig my whole head into the ground until feel like coming back to this world. Today people noticed the marks anyway and I just wanted to disappear. :'( I swear I didn't really notice that I got them until afterwards. Stupid me, stupid Emma. I am so scared of the holidays. What if they are still there in the end of next week when I am not supposed to wear high neck shirts? I'm going to die. I can't even think of how embarassing it would be to face my grandmom with these! Guys are just troubles. Just troubles. Back in the friday I was soo happy and I had such a great time together with that guy. But now I am regretting it more than everrrrr.
I have been so happy lately and I didn't even believe I would face something hard in the nearest future. But I just feel so fuckin down now. It's like some sadness just hitted me and found it's home inside my whole body. I don't really I have exact reasons to feel like I do. The normal Emma that you are used to would laugh it away and think positive that school ends in 3 days and that the marks are not the whole world. But right now I don't feel like that. As Mariah Carey so nicely sings "The hero lies in you" that is only words right now. I usually love that line and that it is true. But now it is more like the heroes are the ones who wants to listen to ME for once and stop dwelling on their problems and just let me for once in my life be the one to borrow a shoulder to lean on instead of offer my own shoulder for other people.
I miss my mother so insanely much too. Please bring me to her ;(