(no subject)
So its been a while since I did this but here goes....
Not alot has changed in my life recently, I'm still stuck in the same rutt I always have been. I've got no idea where I'm coming from and even less where I'm going. Its a long time your whole life and I'm just not ready to live it. Sounds stupid doesn't it??? Its weird though, having no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life. I know what I don't want but there is a big difference between knowing what you don't want and what you do.
I've got no idea what I'm doing anymore... Everything I do is a mistake. Every word I say is wrong. What happened to me? I don't remember it was this complicated. Thats a lie, actually I can't remember when it wasn't, lol.
Its coming up to the anniversary of Euan's death 14 days and counting. Its hard to believe that its been a year. I remember the night that it happened like it was yesterday. I remember his face and the way his hair used to be. I remember the days that we argued and the days that we didn't. I remember the way that it ended. I remember all the times I was a bitch and all the times he was too. I remember almost every conversation we had. We used to be so close, I could tell him almost anything and I turned my back on him. I wouldn't let him back and he tried so hard. He called and he popped into work and visited me. He came to the cathouse and I barely looked at him. I screamed at Debbie for bringing him. He was dead less than two months later.
About month before he died, he came into my work and he was talking to my boss about me(I wasn't in). He said all these things. Just stupid things, about what I was like when I went to the cathouse. He didn't say anything that was that bad, he didn't mean any harm. I was such a bitch though, I just screamed and screamed and he took it all. We made up before he died, he called but its still there.
I know that I loved him and despite everything that happened I know he loved me. When I got the call to say he was dead I felt like I was gonna suffocate. After all the years and all the arguments. I loved him and he loved me. I guess its not just about the way things end but the way things were. There were alot of bad memories but there were more good. Bike rides and chocolate cake. Bowling and dancing.
I miss him. I think that I will always miss him. I never want to forget him. All the good stuff that we did, all the fun that we had. The way that he used to hug me and the way that he used to tickle me. The time we played like a million games of pay day or the day he made me mini kiev's. I ust miss him so much and I know that you don't understand because I don't understand. I don't know how to move on and I wish I did but there you go. I just want him back even if he just wants to tell me I'm a bitch.
We used to have these necklaces. Best Friend necklaces you know what I mean. It was a black cord with a blue dolphin on the end of it. I brought them back from somewhere, I think it was in second year. I remember it like it was yesterday, it was a tuesday night because we were at the badminton after school club. We had a fight and I took mine off and threw it at him. It didn't hit him, just thought that I would add that in. I got it back when we made up and we were friends long after that but I wish I knew where it was. I never keep anything and I regret it later. Memories are great but sometimes you need that little more.
Anyway I'm going to go now
I love you all no matter what stupid arguments we've had. I love you. Sometimes we just lose sight of that. If I've learned anything from Euan its that arguments are meaningless in the end.
Not alot has changed in my life recently, I'm still stuck in the same rutt I always have been. I've got no idea where I'm coming from and even less where I'm going. Its a long time your whole life and I'm just not ready to live it. Sounds stupid doesn't it??? Its weird though, having no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life. I know what I don't want but there is a big difference between knowing what you don't want and what you do.
I've got no idea what I'm doing anymore... Everything I do is a mistake. Every word I say is wrong. What happened to me? I don't remember it was this complicated. Thats a lie, actually I can't remember when it wasn't, lol.
Its coming up to the anniversary of Euan's death 14 days and counting. Its hard to believe that its been a year. I remember the night that it happened like it was yesterday. I remember his face and the way his hair used to be. I remember the days that we argued and the days that we didn't. I remember the way that it ended. I remember all the times I was a bitch and all the times he was too. I remember almost every conversation we had. We used to be so close, I could tell him almost anything and I turned my back on him. I wouldn't let him back and he tried so hard. He called and he popped into work and visited me. He came to the cathouse and I barely looked at him. I screamed at Debbie for bringing him. He was dead less than two months later.
About month before he died, he came into my work and he was talking to my boss about me(I wasn't in). He said all these things. Just stupid things, about what I was like when I went to the cathouse. He didn't say anything that was that bad, he didn't mean any harm. I was such a bitch though, I just screamed and screamed and he took it all. We made up before he died, he called but its still there.
I know that I loved him and despite everything that happened I know he loved me. When I got the call to say he was dead I felt like I was gonna suffocate. After all the years and all the arguments. I loved him and he loved me. I guess its not just about the way things end but the way things were. There were alot of bad memories but there were more good. Bike rides and chocolate cake. Bowling and dancing.
I miss him. I think that I will always miss him. I never want to forget him. All the good stuff that we did, all the fun that we had. The way that he used to hug me and the way that he used to tickle me. The time we played like a million games of pay day or the day he made me mini kiev's. I ust miss him so much and I know that you don't understand because I don't understand. I don't know how to move on and I wish I did but there you go. I just want him back even if he just wants to tell me I'm a bitch.
We used to have these necklaces. Best Friend necklaces you know what I mean. It was a black cord with a blue dolphin on the end of it. I brought them back from somewhere, I think it was in second year. I remember it like it was yesterday, it was a tuesday night because we were at the badminton after school club. We had a fight and I took mine off and threw it at him. It didn't hit him, just thought that I would add that in. I got it back when we made up and we were friends long after that but I wish I knew where it was. I never keep anything and I regret it later. Memories are great but sometimes you need that little more.
Anyway I'm going to go now
I love you all no matter what stupid arguments we've had. I love you. Sometimes we just lose sight of that. If I've learned anything from Euan its that arguments are meaningless in the end.