Amnesia
"After that, the kid was crying, and the entire restaurant crowded around.
At that moment, it seemed the whole world cared what happened to him. All those people were hugging him and petting his hair. Everybody asked if he was okay.
It seemed that moment would last forever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved."
-"Choke" Chuck Palahniuk
That was just a quote that struck a chord with me. It's something interesting to stew over.
Another quote from that book that hit a nerve was: "In most twelve-step recovery programs, the fourth step makes you take inventory of your life. Ever lame, suck-ass moment of your life, you have to get a notebook and write it down....That way, every sin is right at your fingertips. Then you have to fix it all...This way you can go back and review the worst of your life any time you want. Because supposedly, those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it."
That last part scares me. One of the symptoms of Benzodiazepine use and withdrawal, clonazepam specifically (one that I was largely addicted to), is anterograde amnesia. The same goes for morphine. I didn't start getting into morphine until about 2 months ago when I was out of everything else and desperate. And I did mix the two drugs at very high doses. I realize that I can barely recall the events of the past 2 months. I know that the past few days I've been talking to people, and mid-sentence I'll completely forget what I was talking about. People tell me that I did this a lot while I was using. I had no idea. I don't recall much from that time. I know events happened, but I can't recall details. I know Thanksgiving happened 2 weeks ago. All I can remember from Thanksgiving is standing on the porch smoking with my uncle, and him telling me he used to be a cook in the Army. I don't remember what food there was. I don't know who else was there. I don't know what was talked about. That's all I can remember. I was talking to Vince about this last night and he had to tell me what I did on my birthday. Some things I can remember now that he told me, but others I can't. I don't remember going over to his house at 4am the morning after my birthday and getting into bed with him while he was sleeping. I really don't. He had to tell me about other things I couldn't remember. As the night went on, I'd start to tell him a story and he'd stop me and say "don't you remember telling me this before?" And of course I didn't. At one point he stopped me to say "don't you remember talking about this with me on our first date at the restaurant?" And as I was sitting there, I realized I couldn't even remember our first date. I remember now, but I couldn't then, and I didn't have the heart to tell him.
So if I say something to you that I've already told you, just stop me and let me know. I don't know if those memories will ever return, however, which really saddens me to think that I did that to myself. If I can't remember the good things I did or said, what did I do that hurt people? That's the scary part. I was researching anterograde amnesia online and it said it can take up to two years to reverse the effects if it was induced by drug abuse, and that sometimes it never goes away. I really hope that isn't the case.
At that moment, it seemed the whole world cared what happened to him. All those people were hugging him and petting his hair. Everybody asked if he was okay.
It seemed that moment would last forever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved."
-"Choke" Chuck Palahniuk
That was just a quote that struck a chord with me. It's something interesting to stew over.
Another quote from that book that hit a nerve was: "In most twelve-step recovery programs, the fourth step makes you take inventory of your life. Ever lame, suck-ass moment of your life, you have to get a notebook and write it down....That way, every sin is right at your fingertips. Then you have to fix it all...This way you can go back and review the worst of your life any time you want. Because supposedly, those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it."
That last part scares me. One of the symptoms of Benzodiazepine use and withdrawal, clonazepam specifically (one that I was largely addicted to), is anterograde amnesia. The same goes for morphine. I didn't start getting into morphine until about 2 months ago when I was out of everything else and desperate. And I did mix the two drugs at very high doses. I realize that I can barely recall the events of the past 2 months. I know that the past few days I've been talking to people, and mid-sentence I'll completely forget what I was talking about. People tell me that I did this a lot while I was using. I had no idea. I don't recall much from that time. I know events happened, but I can't recall details. I know Thanksgiving happened 2 weeks ago. All I can remember from Thanksgiving is standing on the porch smoking with my uncle, and him telling me he used to be a cook in the Army. I don't remember what food there was. I don't know who else was there. I don't know what was talked about. That's all I can remember. I was talking to Vince about this last night and he had to tell me what I did on my birthday. Some things I can remember now that he told me, but others I can't. I don't remember going over to his house at 4am the morning after my birthday and getting into bed with him while he was sleeping. I really don't. He had to tell me about other things I couldn't remember. As the night went on, I'd start to tell him a story and he'd stop me and say "don't you remember telling me this before?" And of course I didn't. At one point he stopped me to say "don't you remember talking about this with me on our first date at the restaurant?" And as I was sitting there, I realized I couldn't even remember our first date. I remember now, but I couldn't then, and I didn't have the heart to tell him.
So if I say something to you that I've already told you, just stop me and let me know. I don't know if those memories will ever return, however, which really saddens me to think that I did that to myself. If I can't remember the good things I did or said, what did I do that hurt people? That's the scary part. I was researching anterograde amnesia online and it said it can take up to two years to reverse the effects if it was induced by drug abuse, and that sometimes it never goes away. I really hope that isn't the case.