just a peak... for anyone who cares...
my horoscope told me yesterday taht something big was going to either happen, or be clearer to me. i dreamed all night of snakes. at one point, one bit me.. but my skin wasn't broken. this morning. shortly after being able to wake myself from the weird dream that kept pulling me in, i was called. this is one call i've been hoping wouldn't come until i was "ready" since iw as about 14. my grandma. she doesn't have too much longer. i cried to myself for about an hour. my brother still doesn't know. sleep aknia (sp?) due to double lung cancer. which is also terminal. oh, and she's having a living will drawn up and she wants me to be one of the people who sign it. she says that i'm probably the most mature person out of her children. funny though, i'm not her child- yet sometimes it feels like i am. i told the three people i thought i could really look to for some sort of comfort, and all three failed me. when not even anna knows what to say it's time for a scenery change.
after much consideration, hard work, and pain, i've decided i should probably use sandpaper on this plug. i got the other one out with ease. but this one just doesn't seem to be coming out. damnit.
she really wasn't all that bad. actually, she was quite wonderful. her absences is what keeps us bitter. because the way she ends things are very cold and attimes emotionally brutal. i really don't think she sees any other way. she does what she knows. and when the time come she pops her head back in, even for only a short while. and maybe one day she'll get tired of that and completely move on. maybe she already has. either way, i contantly wonder if she realizes the effects she has on the people in her life, more specifically, the immidiate people of her life.
i think maybe i've just had a while to do some much needed soul searching today. for some reason, i'm feeling very good about my extremely unclear future.
i'm thinking of starting a savings account very soon, and when i've completely the htings i think i need to complete here, i'll start a new chapter in my life.. in a brand new place. i'd really like to study abroad. (in europe) i think that would be absolutely wonderous. and by my past experiance, i get along with europeans a lot better than americans. i think silly americans could learn a lot from diverse societies inthe small counties of europe.
on a more realistic (or i hope so anyways) level, if dude hasn't even got my ignition put in sunday, i think jonathon is going to fix my car. i really hope this other guy hurry's up and gets all this shit done. i'd like to be driving by monday. i'll be lucky if i'm driving within the next two weeks.
"so cut my wrist and black my eyes
so i can fall asleep tonight, or die
because you kill me
you know you do
you do it well
you like it too
and i can tell
you never stop until..
my final breathe is gone.."
after much consideration, hard work, and pain, i've decided i should probably use sandpaper on this plug. i got the other one out with ease. but this one just doesn't seem to be coming out. damnit.
she really wasn't all that bad. actually, she was quite wonderful. her absences is what keeps us bitter. because the way she ends things are very cold and attimes emotionally brutal. i really don't think she sees any other way. she does what she knows. and when the time come she pops her head back in, even for only a short while. and maybe one day she'll get tired of that and completely move on. maybe she already has. either way, i contantly wonder if she realizes the effects she has on the people in her life, more specifically, the immidiate people of her life.
i think maybe i've just had a while to do some much needed soul searching today. for some reason, i'm feeling very good about my extremely unclear future.
i'm thinking of starting a savings account very soon, and when i've completely the htings i think i need to complete here, i'll start a new chapter in my life.. in a brand new place. i'd really like to study abroad. (in europe) i think that would be absolutely wonderous. and by my past experiance, i get along with europeans a lot better than americans. i think silly americans could learn a lot from diverse societies inthe small counties of europe.
on a more realistic (or i hope so anyways) level, if dude hasn't even got my ignition put in sunday, i think jonathon is going to fix my car. i really hope this other guy hurry's up and gets all this shit done. i'd like to be driving by monday. i'll be lucky if i'm driving within the next two weeks.
"so cut my wrist and black my eyes
so i can fall asleep tonight, or die
because you kill me
you know you do
you do it well
you like it too
and i can tell
you never stop until..
my final breathe is gone.."