(no subject)
my life feels like complete shit right now. complete and utter shit.
in the course of about thirty minutes on thursday I started to really mess things up. and in the course of five minutes yesterday I finished screwing everything up worse than I ever imagined that I could. I never thought I would be capable of doing anything of the sort but apparently I am capable of doing a lot worse. and the worst part is is that if I would have actually stopped to think about what I was doing for just thirty seconds I could have prevented everything. EVERYTHING. but no. I never think about things before I do them. I'm more of a just 'go with the flow' type of person. fuck that. it doesnt work. you just end up hurting yourself and other people.
its like I dont even think about how my actions effect other people. in my mind I'm like 'whatever I do, I have to pay the consequences' but I never stop to think about what its going to do to other people. I guess I never thought that what I did could effect someone THAT much. but it does. and my stupidity has ruined at least two good relationships, probably even more. and its all my fault. because I am too damn stupid and too damn stubborn to realize what I want.
but the absolute worst thing about this is as shitty as I'm feeling right now, I know I've made someone feel even worse. and I hate that.
I am an idiot.
in the course of about thirty minutes on thursday I started to really mess things up. and in the course of five minutes yesterday I finished screwing everything up worse than I ever imagined that I could. I never thought I would be capable of doing anything of the sort but apparently I am capable of doing a lot worse. and the worst part is is that if I would have actually stopped to think about what I was doing for just thirty seconds I could have prevented everything. EVERYTHING. but no. I never think about things before I do them. I'm more of a just 'go with the flow' type of person. fuck that. it doesnt work. you just end up hurting yourself and other people.
its like I dont even think about how my actions effect other people. in my mind I'm like 'whatever I do, I have to pay the consequences' but I never stop to think about what its going to do to other people. I guess I never thought that what I did could effect someone THAT much. but it does. and my stupidity has ruined at least two good relationships, probably even more. and its all my fault. because I am too damn stupid and too damn stubborn to realize what I want.
but the absolute worst thing about this is as shitty as I'm feeling right now, I know I've made someone feel even worse. and I hate that.
I am an idiot.