Nowhere else to vent...
I'm feeling very frustrated right now and I'm not sure what to do.
My parents outed me to my brothers of my upcoming trip to Cali. I begrudgingly accepted the fact that I was going to have to be an adult and make time in my trip to see my brothers and Leif's new girlfriend and his kids. When my parents came back from their trip to Cali (to specifically visit my brothers and their grandkids) I asked them if anyone asked about me. They said everyone was wondering what I was up to and stuff. I then asked if they were excited to see me in a few weeks and my mom said:
"Weeeell....hm...not excited. Leif's girlfriend really wants to meet you."
At first I chalked this up to my brother's being my brother's. We've never had a good relationship and that's the way it's always been. I didn't think much of it until I told my friend Sarah about it and she looked at me and said, "That's not very nice." Zeb chimed in and said, "Yeah! When I heard your mom say that I thought 'what assholes'." Suddenly it dawned on me. That was a really asshole thing to say. Why should I take the time out of my vacation to drive 3.5 hours to go see people who don't even want to see me? Why should I take time away from my two beautiful friends who WANT to see me and spend time with me? So much so that they paid for my ticket out there?
I want to write Leif an email explaining that I am going to skip coming to see them because they don't want to see me and I don't want to waste either of our time. There's no reason for me to drive 3.5 hours to see them JUST for the sake of seeing them. Just because we're siblings doesn't mean that we have to see each other. Anyone who knew me in high school knows just how cruel and unyielding they were to me. They made an already difficult time for me unbearable.
A few years ago I opened myself up to the possibility that I could forgive and forget. Oliver and I began talking regularly and I really thought we had patched things up. I saw him on my 22nd birthday and he almost drowned my dog, refused to apologize, and then refused to put his bullshit aside to wish me a happy birthday. I only text my brothers on birthdays and holidays, but even then I never get a response from them. Not even "thanks". Why should I have to put the effort in now? When Oliver did that to me I was absolutely crushed because I thought things were different. Nothing's different. Nothing will ever be different and I don't ever want to feel like they have made me feel for the last 24 years ever again.
I doubt I will tell my brother any of this. Do you think I should go see them anyway and be an adult? Am I being reasonable? I know better than anyone that I can let my emotions get the better of me. When I realized that my brothers don't want to see me I felt like I was 16 all over again and my brothers were crushing what little self esteem I had left after the whole Brandon fiasco. I feel like I'm a bigger and better person now, but deep inside of me there's still a little girl who just wants her brother's to love her and deep down I know that they never have and probably never will.
My parents outed me to my brothers of my upcoming trip to Cali. I begrudgingly accepted the fact that I was going to have to be an adult and make time in my trip to see my brothers and Leif's new girlfriend and his kids. When my parents came back from their trip to Cali (to specifically visit my brothers and their grandkids) I asked them if anyone asked about me. They said everyone was wondering what I was up to and stuff. I then asked if they were excited to see me in a few weeks and my mom said:
"Weeeell....hm...not excited. Leif's girlfriend really wants to meet you."
At first I chalked this up to my brother's being my brother's. We've never had a good relationship and that's the way it's always been. I didn't think much of it until I told my friend Sarah about it and she looked at me and said, "That's not very nice." Zeb chimed in and said, "Yeah! When I heard your mom say that I thought 'what assholes'." Suddenly it dawned on me. That was a really asshole thing to say. Why should I take the time out of my vacation to drive 3.5 hours to go see people who don't even want to see me? Why should I take time away from my two beautiful friends who WANT to see me and spend time with me? So much so that they paid for my ticket out there?
I want to write Leif an email explaining that I am going to skip coming to see them because they don't want to see me and I don't want to waste either of our time. There's no reason for me to drive 3.5 hours to see them JUST for the sake of seeing them. Just because we're siblings doesn't mean that we have to see each other. Anyone who knew me in high school knows just how cruel and unyielding they were to me. They made an already difficult time for me unbearable.
A few years ago I opened myself up to the possibility that I could forgive and forget. Oliver and I began talking regularly and I really thought we had patched things up. I saw him on my 22nd birthday and he almost drowned my dog, refused to apologize, and then refused to put his bullshit aside to wish me a happy birthday. I only text my brothers on birthdays and holidays, but even then I never get a response from them. Not even "thanks". Why should I have to put the effort in now? When Oliver did that to me I was absolutely crushed because I thought things were different. Nothing's different. Nothing will ever be different and I don't ever want to feel like they have made me feel for the last 24 years ever again.
I doubt I will tell my brother any of this. Do you think I should go see them anyway and be an adult? Am I being reasonable? I know better than anyone that I can let my emotions get the better of me. When I realized that my brothers don't want to see me I felt like I was 16 all over again and my brothers were crushing what little self esteem I had left after the whole Brandon fiasco. I feel like I'm a bigger and better person now, but deep inside of me there's still a little girl who just wants her brother's to love her and deep down I know that they never have and probably never will.