(no subject)
had one of the worst weekends, things got too much for me, i hadnt sorted out hardly anything i needed to for France and it was too much to do on my own, i just kept putting it off, so when i realised just how much i needed to do this weekend, it meant screaming and shouting matches in the powell household. Long story dont want to go into it, i'm tired of fighting anymore, i'm tired of trying to stick up for myself, i just take it now, but nobody realises just how much i take notice of it. I feel numb right now, i dont feel like me, i dont even feel like a real person, just this empty vessil thats going through the motions, mimicking a real person. Its a horrible thing to say but i dont even feel like i care anymore, i dont care about anyone, i dont care about myself i just dont care.
I feel... disappointed, i think thats the best way to sum it all up.
Always when you have expectations they never live up to themselves, and this summer certainly hasnt, but this is different, i've always felt like this place was my home, not just this house, but newport, and it always felt good to come home. I dont feel that way anymore, I dont know anyone here, I dont have any attatchment to this place anymore. I dont hate it, i just... dont really feel anything for it. I dont think i'll ever spend another full summer here, i'd much rather do what i did last year, two months away then 3 weeks here, and that was enough, i fitted in everything i needed in those three weeks.
Dont get me wrong i've had some good times this summer, but i can count only about 2 maybe 3 at a push. And they're all friday nights. After two months of being home i can only count two nights that has made it all worth while, isnt that pathetic? I dont see anyone unless its a friday night, half the time i'm so plastered that i only vaguely remember seeing them, but what is that? Thats not even a full day, thats a few hours a week.
I really dont belong here anymore, and i never thought i'd say that, i always thought there was a place here for me, but i just feel so distant now, i really just feel like leaving out of the back door without saying any goodbyes and going.
I feel... disappointed, i think thats the best way to sum it all up.
Always when you have expectations they never live up to themselves, and this summer certainly hasnt, but this is different, i've always felt like this place was my home, not just this house, but newport, and it always felt good to come home. I dont feel that way anymore, I dont know anyone here, I dont have any attatchment to this place anymore. I dont hate it, i just... dont really feel anything for it. I dont think i'll ever spend another full summer here, i'd much rather do what i did last year, two months away then 3 weeks here, and that was enough, i fitted in everything i needed in those three weeks.
Dont get me wrong i've had some good times this summer, but i can count only about 2 maybe 3 at a push. And they're all friday nights. After two months of being home i can only count two nights that has made it all worth while, isnt that pathetic? I dont see anyone unless its a friday night, half the time i'm so plastered that i only vaguely remember seeing them, but what is that? Thats not even a full day, thats a few hours a week.
I really dont belong here anymore, and i never thought i'd say that, i always thought there was a place here for me, but i just feel so distant now, i really just feel like leaving out of the back door without saying any goodbyes and going.