(no subject)
I just...I can't do it. I can't be half in your life when I want you wholey in mine. If you don't want all of me, you don't get any of me. It's like I have to do this for myself too now. And I can't change anything if were still talking...and it hurts so much. I cry all the time and sometimes I can't stop. I try to sleep at night and I can't because thoughts of you plague me and take me back and throw me forward to a life without you. A life I never thought I would have to live. I really believed this was going to work and you would always loved me just as much as I loved and needed you...but I can't force it and neither could you anymore. I just never mattered to you as much as you mattered to me. I really care what you think about me and I never do anything if I know it will hurt you. How am I supposed to live like this? How? I feel so stupid for thinking you really wanted it as much as I did. I'm writing this right now because this is everything I've been thinking and I'm hoping this will help me wowrk through it. Because I can't think about it anymore or it will kill me. It's altrady killing me...I cannot imagine a life where I can't lay next to you and rub your back and kiss you and smile..and love. I can't even keep it together right now.