A New Year reflection
Long, really long. I apologize, but I enjoyed writing.
I find myself dreading to write anything when I have let it go this long without something. I know I say this every time I allow an extreme amount of time pass me by, but it’s true. When I have let so much time pass, I feel the point of an entry is too much of a hassle or burden because I can’t possibly capture everything that has happened. Wow, another year has passed and I can’t believe it. I’m in a place that I enjoy being in, but still know that something is missing. Something is uncertain and on most days I enjoy the unknown, and then there are others that I wish I had that magical remote control where I can just fast forward to the ending. Of course, the ending would not be good, because then it would be over and I am in no way ready for it to be over. I suppose now, the “it” I speak of is life. I have enjoyed every aspect of my life this past year. Lets face it, I’ve had an incredible year in terms of what I have accomplished and where I have been.
This time last year I was beginning a journey that I still to this day say changed who I was and put me in the place I am now. I was burnt out this time last year. I made stupid mistakes and was confused. I had no idea who I was anymore and was searching for anything to grab hold of that would pull me back to the surface. The buoy that I found was David. He was there when I was ready to surface and change. He was there for me to hold on to and for a while, not a long while, but the right amount of time, we held on to one another. We both needed each other at that time, or at least I think we both did and so we were in a perfect place. Then I left the country and we left each other once more. I could name multiple reasons we made up for us not working anymore. We were great at making excuses for why we didn’t work, not so great at coming up with the reasons we did work. So we floated away from each other once more, not knowing for certain if that was our last try or if our worlds would collide once again. But that didn’t matter, I was in Europe. I was being cultured and traveling around having one adventure after another and making friends along the way. I found my smile again; I found my strength that didn’t involve drinking every night. I was running, running towards a clear sky with nothing stopping me or holding me back. Nothing in front of me but uncertainty and I was falling in love with the unknown. The thought of not knowing who was around the corner and feeling like my whole life was a head of me was what I had been looking for all along.
So my travels quickly came to an end and although I was ready to return to my stateside home, it was still hard to leave my safe haven that had helped me get back on track. I was afraid of returning and falling back into someone I didn’t know. The coolest thing happened though; I didn’t return to the old me. I was knew and strong and brave and happy. I was smiling. The summer brought another wonderful year at camp, where I met knew people and tested out the waters of my old friends. To see if another year passing by changed what we had the previous summer. And with some it had changed for the worse, and with others I found friendship that I didn’t know was there. That too came to an end and school was going to begin.
It was my junior year; the halfway mark. A year I knew would bring challenges, beginnings, and new faces. Well this junior year is now half over and what a year it had been. I was elected president of my sorority something that I had been plotting in my head for a year. A job that I wanted to tackle and prove to myself and to others that I could do. I struggled with the reasons of the position for a bit. Did I want it because I felt I was the only one that could do it, because I wanted the title and power, or because I love this organization so much that I wanted to try and give back to it all that it has already given me? I found my answer. It was the latter one and although this particular role in my sorority has just now started and is barely underway, I am gaining more and more confidence in myself that I can handle the job day by day. It won’t be easy and I won’t like it some of the time, but I’m proud of myself for taking it on and I can’t wait to fall in love with a whole new side of Phi Mu that I didn’t even know existed. During this time of bigger roles in Phi Mu, I found a greater role in another organization that means the world to me. My OL’s. One of the places where I feel safest when I need the strength to get through something. The place that helps me realize we are all screwed up and each one of us is fighting a battle. It’s a wonder how we all make it through a day helping one another when we all feel so lost sometimes. Well, these people entrusted me to be their next leader. To be a Co-Chair with Billy. I get to run this group of leaders; To organize, to support, to guide through the next year. It was a position that I had given much thought and reflection to and was sure that I could do it, well as sure as I could be when scared shitless of failing. There are people in that group that have the faith in me and believe that I can handle it. They are the ones that I look up to and lean on those days where I don’t think I’m going to make it.
And trust me, there have been those days that I feel again that I am drowning. I guess the difference this time is that I’m so happy with everything that I am involved in and my role and place at this university and in my own life that when I have those few days where things are crumbling around me and I’m sinking, I have so many different buoys to grab onto, and i don't feel so bad anymore. I have a place that I enjoy being and that makes all the difference. I will admit, I think I’m an insane woman for being in charge of all these offices. LinC, OL, Phi Mu, Shanelle. That’s a lot of responsibility I have. That is over 100 people that I am in charge of. 100 people that look up to me and at any given time come to me for help or to complain. I love it though. I complain and I get bogged down, but I am incredibly strong because of it. And for that I am so proud of myself. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid to toot my own horn for once. I have a lot to be grateful for and I have a lot to be proud of. So where do I go from here? My life direction in terms of the real world that is fast approaching is up in the air. I’m not sure what direction I want to head, which path I will skip down. And this my friend, is where I get excited again. I can’t wait to see where I end up and who I become.
So, we are caught up and ready for this New Year. I don’t know what it has in store for me. I feel like I’ve tackled everything possible at my school, so what’s next. It should be a good year. I’m in the right place for it to be another good year. Maybe that special someone will enter my life finally; Maybe that is the next chapter; Maybe not. Who knows? Not me, and that’s ok. I’m happy. I’m content with myself and that’s all that matters!
to any of you who made it to the end , I'm impressed! haha
I find myself dreading to write anything when I have let it go this long without something. I know I say this every time I allow an extreme amount of time pass me by, but it’s true. When I have let so much time pass, I feel the point of an entry is too much of a hassle or burden because I can’t possibly capture everything that has happened. Wow, another year has passed and I can’t believe it. I’m in a place that I enjoy being in, but still know that something is missing. Something is uncertain and on most days I enjoy the unknown, and then there are others that I wish I had that magical remote control where I can just fast forward to the ending. Of course, the ending would not be good, because then it would be over and I am in no way ready for it to be over. I suppose now, the “it” I speak of is life. I have enjoyed every aspect of my life this past year. Lets face it, I’ve had an incredible year in terms of what I have accomplished and where I have been.
This time last year I was beginning a journey that I still to this day say changed who I was and put me in the place I am now. I was burnt out this time last year. I made stupid mistakes and was confused. I had no idea who I was anymore and was searching for anything to grab hold of that would pull me back to the surface. The buoy that I found was David. He was there when I was ready to surface and change. He was there for me to hold on to and for a while, not a long while, but the right amount of time, we held on to one another. We both needed each other at that time, or at least I think we both did and so we were in a perfect place. Then I left the country and we left each other once more. I could name multiple reasons we made up for us not working anymore. We were great at making excuses for why we didn’t work, not so great at coming up with the reasons we did work. So we floated away from each other once more, not knowing for certain if that was our last try or if our worlds would collide once again. But that didn’t matter, I was in Europe. I was being cultured and traveling around having one adventure after another and making friends along the way. I found my smile again; I found my strength that didn’t involve drinking every night. I was running, running towards a clear sky with nothing stopping me or holding me back. Nothing in front of me but uncertainty and I was falling in love with the unknown. The thought of not knowing who was around the corner and feeling like my whole life was a head of me was what I had been looking for all along.
So my travels quickly came to an end and although I was ready to return to my stateside home, it was still hard to leave my safe haven that had helped me get back on track. I was afraid of returning and falling back into someone I didn’t know. The coolest thing happened though; I didn’t return to the old me. I was knew and strong and brave and happy. I was smiling. The summer brought another wonderful year at camp, where I met knew people and tested out the waters of my old friends. To see if another year passing by changed what we had the previous summer. And with some it had changed for the worse, and with others I found friendship that I didn’t know was there. That too came to an end and school was going to begin.
It was my junior year; the halfway mark. A year I knew would bring challenges, beginnings, and new faces. Well this junior year is now half over and what a year it had been. I was elected president of my sorority something that I had been plotting in my head for a year. A job that I wanted to tackle and prove to myself and to others that I could do. I struggled with the reasons of the position for a bit. Did I want it because I felt I was the only one that could do it, because I wanted the title and power, or because I love this organization so much that I wanted to try and give back to it all that it has already given me? I found my answer. It was the latter one and although this particular role in my sorority has just now started and is barely underway, I am gaining more and more confidence in myself that I can handle the job day by day. It won’t be easy and I won’t like it some of the time, but I’m proud of myself for taking it on and I can’t wait to fall in love with a whole new side of Phi Mu that I didn’t even know existed. During this time of bigger roles in Phi Mu, I found a greater role in another organization that means the world to me. My OL’s. One of the places where I feel safest when I need the strength to get through something. The place that helps me realize we are all screwed up and each one of us is fighting a battle. It’s a wonder how we all make it through a day helping one another when we all feel so lost sometimes. Well, these people entrusted me to be their next leader. To be a Co-Chair with Billy. I get to run this group of leaders; To organize, to support, to guide through the next year. It was a position that I had given much thought and reflection to and was sure that I could do it, well as sure as I could be when scared shitless of failing. There are people in that group that have the faith in me and believe that I can handle it. They are the ones that I look up to and lean on those days where I don’t think I’m going to make it.
And trust me, there have been those days that I feel again that I am drowning. I guess the difference this time is that I’m so happy with everything that I am involved in and my role and place at this university and in my own life that when I have those few days where things are crumbling around me and I’m sinking, I have so many different buoys to grab onto, and i don't feel so bad anymore. I have a place that I enjoy being and that makes all the difference. I will admit, I think I’m an insane woman for being in charge of all these offices. LinC, OL, Phi Mu, Shanelle. That’s a lot of responsibility I have. That is over 100 people that I am in charge of. 100 people that look up to me and at any given time come to me for help or to complain. I love it though. I complain and I get bogged down, but I am incredibly strong because of it. And for that I am so proud of myself. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid to toot my own horn for once. I have a lot to be grateful for and I have a lot to be proud of. So where do I go from here? My life direction in terms of the real world that is fast approaching is up in the air. I’m not sure what direction I want to head, which path I will skip down. And this my friend, is where I get excited again. I can’t wait to see where I end up and who I become.
So, we are caught up and ready for this New Year. I don’t know what it has in store for me. I feel like I’ve tackled everything possible at my school, so what’s next. It should be a good year. I’m in the right place for it to be another good year. Maybe that special someone will enter my life finally; Maybe that is the next chapter; Maybe not. Who knows? Not me, and that’s ok. I’m happy. I’m content with myself and that’s all that matters!
to any of you who made it to the end , I'm impressed! haha