Apathy
In therapy today I started talking about how I have lately been having a hard time waking up in the mornings. No matter what time I set my alarm for, I seem to only find the will to get myself out of bed at about 8. Then there's the fact that I forgot to pay my credit card bill a few days late earlier this month. And forgetting to pay the excise tax on my car. What is happening? I have almost stopped opening my regular mail. I don't bother to pick up after myself. What's happening? It's almost as if I don't care about anything anymore.
It bothers me because I know that I'm not that kind of person who can just sit by and watch life go by. I usually have aims and goals that I am working towards. It almost feels like there isn't any of that these days and I am just along for the ride.
Can I really say that I don't care about anything? If I were really just along for the ride would I have taken a cooking class? Why would I be working on my instrument ticket if I were not writing the story of my life? Perhaps it is a sense of not feeling like my life is amounting to much. Everything that I do I seem to be doing for my survival mostly. I put a lot of my energy into my friends but have been wondering if it is actually enriching my own life? How many of them really appreciate my love for them? Yet I cannot imagine myself turning inward and just being a selfish Scrooge. I am sure that I would be a richer person financially but I suspect that I might be poor in the intangibles.
Perhaps it is an extension of that feeling that I have been having when I think of my friends and their families and kids. That's definitely something, a worthy cause, to live for. I feel like I live for myself. That's not a very worthy cause is it? What is my real contribution to the world? Am I just a tax on the resources of the world? I don't know.
Anybody know what I am talking about here? I need to dig myself out of this one.
It bothers me because I know that I'm not that kind of person who can just sit by and watch life go by. I usually have aims and goals that I am working towards. It almost feels like there isn't any of that these days and I am just along for the ride.
Can I really say that I don't care about anything? If I were really just along for the ride would I have taken a cooking class? Why would I be working on my instrument ticket if I were not writing the story of my life? Perhaps it is a sense of not feeling like my life is amounting to much. Everything that I do I seem to be doing for my survival mostly. I put a lot of my energy into my friends but have been wondering if it is actually enriching my own life? How many of them really appreciate my love for them? Yet I cannot imagine myself turning inward and just being a selfish Scrooge. I am sure that I would be a richer person financially but I suspect that I might be poor in the intangibles.
Perhaps it is an extension of that feeling that I have been having when I think of my friends and their families and kids. That's definitely something, a worthy cause, to live for. I feel like I live for myself. That's not a very worthy cause is it? What is my real contribution to the world? Am I just a tax on the resources of the world? I don't know.
Anybody know what I am talking about here? I need to dig myself out of this one.