Updates are good. I should do them more often. I just haven’t been in the greatest of moods recently. Maybe it is my fall depression coming round considerably late. I just seem to be very alone
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I remember doing the techie thing for so long and having really good shows and then having not so great shows. Usually the crap parts all happen during one night for some reason. Just the luck of the stage really. I remember one time I was running lights and I had done it many times before that night and for some reason the wonder of "what happens if I accidently press the GO button twice" kept ringing in my head one night. Well apparently when thoughts like that happen, your fingers catch up to make them actually happen. Suck part was that the next light cue was complete darkness so I plunged the stage into premature blackout when I doubleclicked. Would have been cool if the actors played if off, but they didn't. Acted like there was a power outage.
Fucking actors.
Anyway, regarding all the other stuff, or more importantly the loneliness...don't let it consume you. That's especially hard to do when there's a lonely house and amidst the walk to your car one day, you pass an affectionate couple so much in love, but I'm learning daily that it's so much more worse if you think of those thoughts and forever stay in them.
And this sounds like completely crap logic because over and over again in my journal, I keep wanting someone to come to me and I forever bitch about good potential relationship guys not knowing the address to my life, but the waiting is all the more terrible.
I thought about the words lonely and alone a few weeks ago. I used to think they were so interchangeable. Much like saying toilet paper or Charmin...not a big diff. But when I got to thinking there was something so simple about it. Sometimes you can't change being alone. Physically sometimes, you just remain one. A shower, a trip to the bathroom, a trip to the store. Sometimes you just are alone. But not always do you have to be lonely. For me there isn't a guy and there hasn't been one. And that's very lonely when I let it be. Some days the world is very sunny and the people around me are great company and everything is really good. Not extremely as jubilant as having someone might be, but sometimes you can push away loneliness and sadness just by tweaking your mind.
Or by dancing like an idiot in the privacy of your room to some really great music. Just depends.
Fucking actors.
Anyway, regarding all the other stuff, or more importantly the loneliness...don't let it consume you. That's especially hard to do when there's a lonely house and amidst the walk to your car one day, you pass an affectionate couple so much in love, but I'm learning daily that it's so much more worse if you think of those thoughts and forever stay in them.
And this sounds like completely crap logic because over and over again in my journal, I keep wanting someone to come to me and I forever bitch about good potential relationship guys not knowing the address to my life, but the waiting is all the more terrible.
I thought about the words lonely and alone a few weeks ago. I used to think they were so interchangeable. Much like saying toilet paper or Charmin...not a big diff. But when I got to thinking there was something so simple about it. Sometimes you can't change being alone. Physically sometimes, you just remain one. A shower, a trip to the bathroom, a trip to the store. Sometimes you just are alone. But not always do you have to be lonely. For me there isn't a guy and there hasn't been one. And that's very lonely when I let it be. Some days the world is very sunny and the people around me are great company and everything is really good. Not extremely as jubilant as having someone might be, but sometimes you can push away loneliness and sadness just by tweaking your mind.
Or by dancing like an idiot in the privacy of your room to some really great music. Just depends.
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