And then there was none
I would like to apologize to everyone because I haven’t been online at all in the past few weeks. I got really busy with the moving and once I finely did move I no longer had a computer with an internet connection. This post is typed rather late itself and I think I will simply try to run through a quick overview of the madness that has been the last two weeks.
The Tuesday (July 12) I think it was before I moved I went to Phoenix to pick up Kerry who is now visiting Tucson. J haven’t had the ability to see her nearly enough and she hasn’t given me the leaves she brought me. I sort of hope she will keep them until I have properly paid her attention which I hope to get in before she leaves. I am very happy that she came out to visit us because it shows that we are important to her. Even if I am a side note on her trip to visit Megan. It was good to see Sal too. It seemed as if it had been some time since the last time we share company. But along with that came its demons.
I unfortunately spent of what I can remember the rest of the week in self-doubt and packing. I eventually got it done and moved on Sunday the 17. It took two trips of my father’s truck and mother’s Saturn and one using my Camaro. I got everything here except some plants, my rug, my desk (which still had to be put together) and my golf clubs. Though I do not like the situation, I realize that any thing that I would want to keep needs to be here with me in my new life because if I go through any sort of fall out with my family I will lose all of my possessions that remain in that house. Possessions aren’t worth much but I would also like to get myself out of my family’s way. That and I am greedy.
My new house is amazing. It is not without its faults but neither am I. I look forward to building a basis of friendships as strong as family here. The biggest adjustment I have had to make is to the ineffective swamp cooler. I really shouldn’t complain because I am so grateful to be here but you really do get tired of sweating after a certain point. I most love having a room where I can be myself with no limitations. That is the sort of life I look forward to living. I hope one day my blood family will accept me enough to accept that as well.
I spent the majority of the week running about in hopes to getting settled, mostly sheer madness. I honestly can’t remember all I did last week but it all went by so fast and yet the days were so long because I was milking them for every minute I could get.
I some how was able to slow down enough to borrow and watch the first season of Will and Grace. I find a strange comfort in the show because it feels like I can watch it without fret and shame now. I really would like to reach a point in my life where I could be Will, shameless and hones. He is established. I watched an interview with the actors on the DVD where they tried to explain why the show wasn’t hugely controversial like NBC expected. They attributed it to the fact that the characters were not struggling with there sexuality and they were … established. I wish to be established. I want to wake one morning and have my homosexuality assumed. Not necessarily by the people around me, but I still feel like I am simply one foot out of the closet and though it would be impossible to duck back in, for everyone can see me now, I am still largely sheltered by insecurities and a good deal of fear. I guess Will and Grace kind of pulls me out a little further but at the same time puts many of my worries to ease.
Another big concern has recently presented itself, as if the ones before weren’t trying my character. My poor Brandalynn, my dog Brandy, has grown very ill. Today I rushed her to the vet after the swollen area on her hind leg broke open and left quite a blood stain on the dinning room carpet. The vet at the continental ranch pet clinic says there is nothing more she can to for Brandy. She has referred us to a specialist but he will only be able to determine weather or not it is cancerous and if it is which the most likely conclusion is her leg would have to be amputated. Brandy is quite old and her hips have never really worked well. I, nor the vet, think that she could function with only three legs this late in her life. I fear that she may have to be put down soon. I know it seems as everything relates to back to my closet or my new life for the last few months, but Brandy was someone I relied on in the closet. She was the one individual I could relate all my dreams and fears to and she would only show concern for my happiness and well being, the way it should be. She saved me many times through her warm smile and her big ears to catch all my silly ramblings. I don’t know if I would know how to act without her. I guess I always figured she would be around to see me put all my dreams into action and vanquish all my fears.
I have received so much support in my life and consider myself very fortunate to lead such a good life, but I feel that I have disgustingly let a dear friend go. I read Kelly’s entry some time after she posted it and felt horrible for not keeping up on my live journal. But then I did nothing. I figured those immediately around her could do a better job of helping her than me. But I was terribly wrong. Kelly means so much to me that I am disgusted with myself and my lack of action toward her. I owe her so greatly for always being there for me. The evening we just poured ourselves into each other at the expense of her summer class I felt deeply love and that is a big deal to me. In return I have given her a cold silence. Once I cam to this conclusion I wanted to call her and apologize but It was quite late and though I am sure she still never sleeps, I hate to interrupt her at late hours. I will repay her for the amount of myself I have invested in her and for that I hope she realizes that I will always (for ever and ever) be here for her and maybe more importantly I will be here with her just as long.
Stephanie angered me quite a few times in the last few weeks and I have again realized that I put too much resentment and low tolerance in the relationships I hold closest. One evening I asked her if she felt that me moving was a good idea. Her response was “sure”. I was longing for so much more and I blamed her for my instability. This turned me quite cold to her. Then for a second time she nearly let my sexuality slip to my sister, which for many reasons is very wrong, and I again fumed with anger at her. I couldn’t understand why she would have such a vendetta against me. I concluded that she was clearly ashamed of me which was again wrong. Stephanie has stuck to me through a lot of my grief as well as a lot of her own. I owe her much more than this self centered pity.
Today was a rollercoaster all its own. I went to my parent’s house at 5:30 in the morning to take mum and grandmother to air port. Then I ran back home to get Brandy to the vet. From there I went to storage and loaded up with furniture from Rachel’s shed and then to breakfast with my roommates. From there I brought all the furniture to my house and dropped it off where my wonderful truck broke down. Rachel gave me a ride back to my parent’s home to get Denise and Shelby whom I took to registration (my little sister is going to be a freshman, she is all grown up). All that was completed before 2. Then I did some grocery shopping and read two chapters in my book. The second chapter I read tonight was the first not entirely centered on death. I still was weeping most of the way through it though. I am glad I took to time to stop into bookman’s and see if they had anything. We will see how much this one changes my life. I may have to read it twice.
I am doing what I can to return the Goodmornings. Sorry for the delays.
The Tuesday (July 12) I think it was before I moved I went to Phoenix to pick up Kerry who is now visiting Tucson. J haven’t had the ability to see her nearly enough and she hasn’t given me the leaves she brought me. I sort of hope she will keep them until I have properly paid her attention which I hope to get in before she leaves. I am very happy that she came out to visit us because it shows that we are important to her. Even if I am a side note on her trip to visit Megan. It was good to see Sal too. It seemed as if it had been some time since the last time we share company. But along with that came its demons.
I unfortunately spent of what I can remember the rest of the week in self-doubt and packing. I eventually got it done and moved on Sunday the 17. It took two trips of my father’s truck and mother’s Saturn and one using my Camaro. I got everything here except some plants, my rug, my desk (which still had to be put together) and my golf clubs. Though I do not like the situation, I realize that any thing that I would want to keep needs to be here with me in my new life because if I go through any sort of fall out with my family I will lose all of my possessions that remain in that house. Possessions aren’t worth much but I would also like to get myself out of my family’s way. That and I am greedy.
My new house is amazing. It is not without its faults but neither am I. I look forward to building a basis of friendships as strong as family here. The biggest adjustment I have had to make is to the ineffective swamp cooler. I really shouldn’t complain because I am so grateful to be here but you really do get tired of sweating after a certain point. I most love having a room where I can be myself with no limitations. That is the sort of life I look forward to living. I hope one day my blood family will accept me enough to accept that as well.
I spent the majority of the week running about in hopes to getting settled, mostly sheer madness. I honestly can’t remember all I did last week but it all went by so fast and yet the days were so long because I was milking them for every minute I could get.
I some how was able to slow down enough to borrow and watch the first season of Will and Grace. I find a strange comfort in the show because it feels like I can watch it without fret and shame now. I really would like to reach a point in my life where I could be Will, shameless and hones. He is established. I watched an interview with the actors on the DVD where they tried to explain why the show wasn’t hugely controversial like NBC expected. They attributed it to the fact that the characters were not struggling with there sexuality and they were … established. I wish to be established. I want to wake one morning and have my homosexuality assumed. Not necessarily by the people around me, but I still feel like I am simply one foot out of the closet and though it would be impossible to duck back in, for everyone can see me now, I am still largely sheltered by insecurities and a good deal of fear. I guess Will and Grace kind of pulls me out a little further but at the same time puts many of my worries to ease.
Another big concern has recently presented itself, as if the ones before weren’t trying my character. My poor Brandalynn, my dog Brandy, has grown very ill. Today I rushed her to the vet after the swollen area on her hind leg broke open and left quite a blood stain on the dinning room carpet. The vet at the continental ranch pet clinic says there is nothing more she can to for Brandy. She has referred us to a specialist but he will only be able to determine weather or not it is cancerous and if it is which the most likely conclusion is her leg would have to be amputated. Brandy is quite old and her hips have never really worked well. I, nor the vet, think that she could function with only three legs this late in her life. I fear that she may have to be put down soon. I know it seems as everything relates to back to my closet or my new life for the last few months, but Brandy was someone I relied on in the closet. She was the one individual I could relate all my dreams and fears to and she would only show concern for my happiness and well being, the way it should be. She saved me many times through her warm smile and her big ears to catch all my silly ramblings. I don’t know if I would know how to act without her. I guess I always figured she would be around to see me put all my dreams into action and vanquish all my fears.
I have received so much support in my life and consider myself very fortunate to lead such a good life, but I feel that I have disgustingly let a dear friend go. I read Kelly’s entry some time after she posted it and felt horrible for not keeping up on my live journal. But then I did nothing. I figured those immediately around her could do a better job of helping her than me. But I was terribly wrong. Kelly means so much to me that I am disgusted with myself and my lack of action toward her. I owe her so greatly for always being there for me. The evening we just poured ourselves into each other at the expense of her summer class I felt deeply love and that is a big deal to me. In return I have given her a cold silence. Once I cam to this conclusion I wanted to call her and apologize but It was quite late and though I am sure she still never sleeps, I hate to interrupt her at late hours. I will repay her for the amount of myself I have invested in her and for that I hope she realizes that I will always (for ever and ever) be here for her and maybe more importantly I will be here with her just as long.
Stephanie angered me quite a few times in the last few weeks and I have again realized that I put too much resentment and low tolerance in the relationships I hold closest. One evening I asked her if she felt that me moving was a good idea. Her response was “sure”. I was longing for so much more and I blamed her for my instability. This turned me quite cold to her. Then for a second time she nearly let my sexuality slip to my sister, which for many reasons is very wrong, and I again fumed with anger at her. I couldn’t understand why she would have such a vendetta against me. I concluded that she was clearly ashamed of me which was again wrong. Stephanie has stuck to me through a lot of my grief as well as a lot of her own. I owe her much more than this self centered pity.
Today was a rollercoaster all its own. I went to my parent’s house at 5:30 in the morning to take mum and grandmother to air port. Then I ran back home to get Brandy to the vet. From there I went to storage and loaded up with furniture from Rachel’s shed and then to breakfast with my roommates. From there I brought all the furniture to my house and dropped it off where my wonderful truck broke down. Rachel gave me a ride back to my parent’s home to get Denise and Shelby whom I took to registration (my little sister is going to be a freshman, she is all grown up). All that was completed before 2. Then I did some grocery shopping and read two chapters in my book. The second chapter I read tonight was the first not entirely centered on death. I still was weeping most of the way through it though. I am glad I took to time to stop into bookman’s and see if they had anything. We will see how much this one changes my life. I may have to read it twice.
I am doing what I can to return the Goodmornings. Sorry for the delays.