But soon comes Mr. Night
I sit here and think of how it was I got to such a point in my life, how it is that I returned to a point of such depression. Depression is out of season right now. I don’t know what is wrong any longer. I am just always behind I suppose but I never felt that it was more than the average individual. I suppose it must be because I am so screwed up right now. And I know that I could be seven times worse. I just seem to sit in a position where I am delinquent enough to be a failure but not bad enough to deserve sympathy. And pleas don’t take this as an attempt for sympathy even though I suppose at its core it really is. That is what I use this medium for unfortunately. I don’t deserve sympathy. Everything that I suffer right now is a product of my actions. All of my looses are products of me. I just never thought that I could end so low. I always knew that I wasn’t the closest with my father, but it still hits you hard when you are told that you are nothing. That you are worth the $9000 that you “owe” for the help he provided you for college and work. That your presence was desired because then you can take on more work and the discontent that you are leaving in a month stems from the fact that you won’t be working for him as long as you possible could. No concern that you simply won’t be round. No “I have missed you while you gone to college”. No. Instead I receive “you are a bit behind on the work that you owe me. And you are my child and thus indebted to me”. And I stood there and told him that I would do just about anything to help him, that I was willing to devote all of my time, that I would like some time to enjoy this summer vacation and battle the alone feeling I am so pressured by. For this I was told that I was self centered and lazy. That I was falling behind in ever aspect of my life and that I am nothing but failure. Which after such an overwhelming census I am beginning to believe myself. And mum did some good. After sitting there realizing that I was not in a caring conversation but instead a firing line, she sat. She sulked of later and told him that I was worth more than workload, something I have waited since October for her to say to my face, and forced an apology out of my father of “If you don’t want to do anything you don’t have to”. I feared last fall that I had lost my family. I was all to correct. I from here am faced with rebuilding a new one. If I can just leave without being through out after the next month all will be well.
This all seems a bit meek but I know that I will pull through. It will develop to strength. I guess I just fear being alone too much. And in a period of two years I went from only having family to having none. It is a hard transition.
Thank you Kelly. You saved me from a long dreaded night of self pity. I will have to rely on friends like you for some time.
Hey there Mr. Blue Sky. Please tell us why you had to hide away for so long? Where did we go wrong?
Goodmorning anyways.
This all seems a bit meek but I know that I will pull through. It will develop to strength. I guess I just fear being alone too much. And in a period of two years I went from only having family to having none. It is a hard transition.
Thank you Kelly. You saved me from a long dreaded night of self pity. I will have to rely on friends like you for some time.
Hey there Mr. Blue Sky. Please tell us why you had to hide away for so long? Where did we go wrong?
Goodmorning anyways.