I can't be alone anymore
How is it that you build your walls up, they crumble, fall apart, and you simply continue to build them up bigger, stronger, and taller than the time before?
I don't like feeling vulnerable. I can't think of many people who do. Perhaps that's why we build the walls in the first place... But, part of me wonders why I have to build them up around everyone when it was simply you that caused them to fall in the first place. Your my blood, my family, and everything I looked up to as a child. You broke my heart twice, though, and I should have known better the second time.
That day you asked me for my key, I literally broke down on the way home... Actually, I no longer had a home at that moment. I was actually homeless for the first time in my life. I think it was then... that I began to change.
My mother took me in. You know, the woman everyone told me that never loved me my whole life. The woman who I left in order to stay with you. How ironic. She took care of me, and despite having a new family herself, she put me first. And, her new family was more welcoming than your wife had ever been. It churns and burns in my stomach when I think about her... She's fooled you, and you've let yourself be a fool.
But, it's still worse that I let myself be the fool as well.
I'm not sure what you've told people--I was a delinquent who constantly partied, I didn't follow rules, I was going to fail at college, I had tattoos and piercings, I was gay. There's no telling anymore. After all of this time, I still get angry and upset. I'm still an emotional roller coaster ride that never ends. I tell myself I can't trust anymore, that I can't trust anyone. I don't like to be around the same people for too long, and I'd rather cover up my insecurities through bad habits. Maybe a few people know the inside, but I can fool just about anyone else.
I'd rather not talk about me, how I'm still hurt after months. I don't like pity parties, and I don't like unloading emotions on top of anyone else's. People have too much shit to deal with already, but we're human. I guess it's only fair to allow myself that sort of thing when I allow others to talk to me about their personal problems. It's a strain, it's anxiety, but it's what makes you feel alive. But, my anxiety no longer makes me feel alive. I just deal with it myself and shove my guests out.
I used to be lively, fun, and feel good about myself when I looked into the mirror. Now, I see a different person, and I can't look at her. She's fake. She's sad. She used to love everyone and anyone until she suddenly stopped. I want people to get close, but I won't let them. I push and pull until it hurts. Eventually, they'll give up, right? But, I know that's wrong. I know their intentions are good
Lifeless. I hate school, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I don't want to stay here, I don't want to go. Push. Pull. Push. Pull.
When does it end? I guess that's for me to decide.
I don't like feeling vulnerable. I can't think of many people who do. Perhaps that's why we build the walls in the first place... But, part of me wonders why I have to build them up around everyone when it was simply you that caused them to fall in the first place. Your my blood, my family, and everything I looked up to as a child. You broke my heart twice, though, and I should have known better the second time.
That day you asked me for my key, I literally broke down on the way home... Actually, I no longer had a home at that moment. I was actually homeless for the first time in my life. I think it was then... that I began to change.
My mother took me in. You know, the woman everyone told me that never loved me my whole life. The woman who I left in order to stay with you. How ironic. She took care of me, and despite having a new family herself, she put me first. And, her new family was more welcoming than your wife had ever been. It churns and burns in my stomach when I think about her... She's fooled you, and you've let yourself be a fool.
But, it's still worse that I let myself be the fool as well.
I'm not sure what you've told people--I was a delinquent who constantly partied, I didn't follow rules, I was going to fail at college, I had tattoos and piercings, I was gay. There's no telling anymore. After all of this time, I still get angry and upset. I'm still an emotional roller coaster ride that never ends. I tell myself I can't trust anymore, that I can't trust anyone. I don't like to be around the same people for too long, and I'd rather cover up my insecurities through bad habits. Maybe a few people know the inside, but I can fool just about anyone else.
I'd rather not talk about me, how I'm still hurt after months. I don't like pity parties, and I don't like unloading emotions on top of anyone else's. People have too much shit to deal with already, but we're human. I guess it's only fair to allow myself that sort of thing when I allow others to talk to me about their personal problems. It's a strain, it's anxiety, but it's what makes you feel alive. But, my anxiety no longer makes me feel alive. I just deal with it myself and shove my guests out.
I used to be lively, fun, and feel good about myself when I looked into the mirror. Now, I see a different person, and I can't look at her. She's fake. She's sad. She used to love everyone and anyone until she suddenly stopped. I want people to get close, but I won't let them. I push and pull until it hurts. Eventually, they'll give up, right? But, I know that's wrong. I know their intentions are good
Lifeless. I hate school, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I don't want to stay here, I don't want to go. Push. Pull. Push. Pull.
When does it end? I guess that's for me to decide.