ugh...
I've been in a state of perpetual stress for several days now... To break up with him, or not to break up with him, that is the question. I don't believe our relationship will survive a 1500 mile physical separation, but I also don't think he'll really care. I feel like a ghost in the background of his life, someone whose existence he is aware of, but really only considers when something causes me to be brought to his attention. I feel like that extra puzzle piece to an already finished 10,000 piece jigsaw.
My head hurts and I can't stop wishing I was already there... Texas, albeit uncannily warm, sure sounds a great deal better than this state of bad memories, unfulfilled promises, heartache, and people who really don't give a hill of beans about me , though they like to pretend that they do. I think that, aside from my mum and brother, there are maybe, like, four people who really, truly care.
I'm in a hurry to get away from this so-called life of mine and start fresh, free, and possibly happy... I want something more than all this muck I've settled for, and I really don't believe I can be blamed for thinking this way... I've finally started listening to my mum--I'm young and all I have is time. I should spend it trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and how to become the empowered female force to be reckoned with that I know I was meant to be, not to mention learn how to enjoy myself--as opposed to constant fretting--because (and you may laugh if you find this funny) I've honestly forgotten what it's like to have fun, and I don't even remember what I enjoy doing... I've lost my self, and that's the most horrendous of sins in my eyes. I've been denying myself, my faith, and the mini-goddess inside of me who is telling me over and over (despite my cynical need to doubt her words) that I CAN get out of this mess and be at least mildly content to the point where I don't complain constantly cause life isn't pure shit.
All the selfish fucks out there can kiss my ass--though a few of you wouldn't mind doing so literally, I don't mean it that way. I've had it up to my eyeballs with so-called friends thinking they can use me as their personal emotional doormat. I may be emotionally disabled, but I'm not you're bitch. I'm my OWN bitch, and that means I'm going to BE a bitch until I get some respect outta you fuckers.
Jebus... I'm tense. I need a vacation.
My head hurts and I can't stop wishing I was already there... Texas, albeit uncannily warm, sure sounds a great deal better than this state of bad memories, unfulfilled promises, heartache, and people who really don't give a hill of beans about me , though they like to pretend that they do. I think that, aside from my mum and brother, there are maybe, like, four people who really, truly care.
I'm in a hurry to get away from this so-called life of mine and start fresh, free, and possibly happy... I want something more than all this muck I've settled for, and I really don't believe I can be blamed for thinking this way... I've finally started listening to my mum--I'm young and all I have is time. I should spend it trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and how to become the empowered female force to be reckoned with that I know I was meant to be, not to mention learn how to enjoy myself--as opposed to constant fretting--because (and you may laugh if you find this funny) I've honestly forgotten what it's like to have fun, and I don't even remember what I enjoy doing... I've lost my self, and that's the most horrendous of sins in my eyes. I've been denying myself, my faith, and the mini-goddess inside of me who is telling me over and over (despite my cynical need to doubt her words) that I CAN get out of this mess and be at least mildly content to the point where I don't complain constantly cause life isn't pure shit.
All the selfish fucks out there can kiss my ass--though a few of you wouldn't mind doing so literally, I don't mean it that way. I've had it up to my eyeballs with so-called friends thinking they can use me as their personal emotional doormat. I may be emotionally disabled, but I'm not you're bitch. I'm my OWN bitch, and that means I'm going to BE a bitch until I get some respect outta you fuckers.
Jebus... I'm tense. I need a vacation.