Why can't anything ever be simple in my life?
It has occurred to me recently just how long it's been since I've posted in this blog... I've been using the shitty one provided by myspace.com (TOM, FIX THAT THING, IT SUCKS) and not really enjoying it enough to post regularly... You can't really do ANY customization on that thing at all. It's just AWFUL.
At any rate, enough about that ghastly excuse for a website.
Hi, how's it going? It's been a while, ne? almost two months, to be absolutely precise. Quite a bit has happened since December, so allow me to break it down into digestible chunks.
12-17-2005:
Move out of very first apartment on cold, rainy day; have a horrible time, misplace prescription for new glasses (still can't find the damned thing) and generally just hate life for the entirety of the weeks that follow--cycle of hatred is currently still enqueue, btw
12.29.2005:
Have sex with mum's best friend, unknowingly conceiving at this time.
01.01.2006:
Worst new year's ever; nowhere to go, no one to talk to, nothing to do... have returned to Roseville, boredom is par for the course here
01.16.2006:
-1st day of spring term; my second semester of college. I assumed I would have a rather lackluster day of syllabus reading, question asking, and early leaving. how badly mistaken I was. rather than that, ALL of my classes ran the entire period (app. 1.5 hours each, nearly double that for some others) and I left feeling exhausted--still was unaware that I'm pregnant at this point
01.17.2006:
-Start first "real" job as Student Assistant for State of California. I hate answering phones, btw, so if you know me and call me, don't expect me to pick up my cell. I usually don't these days.
-begin to worry that period hasn't started (two days late), despite birth control regimine and Plan B pill taking. call advice nurse, decide to take pregnancy test following morning
01.18.2006:
-get up at 6:00 am (classes don't begin until 10) drive to kaiser an hour and a half later. pee in cup, mentally reasurring self that nothing is the matter, it's just stress.
-8:57pm run to restroom in middle of Japanese class to puke, assuming the skanky fruit and Doritos I ate are to blame. find myself too weak to stay in class any longer, make my way home. attract the unwanted attention of a talkative security guard on the metro train, mistakenly make eye contact and spend most of the rest of the miserable ride to where my car is parked listening to his grisly, violent stories until two homeless teenage girls board the train (THANK YOU, he just WOULDN'T SHUT UP). puke again upon arriving home, eat dinner and crash
01.19.06:
-call nurse while at work, color drains from face as I hear, "The results of your test came out Positive. Congratulations!" resist urge to tell call center rep to shove it up her ass since there's nothing happy about it, promptly hang up phone and silently freak out. spend rest of day trying to hide melancholy and panic from co-workers (not entirely sure how successful that campaign was, didn't want to raise suspicion so I didn't ask anyone if I seemed diff that day)
-that night, call baby's father to inform him. he is apparently on a date and starts to yell at me. I get nasty, he yells more. I hang up and cry--my whole world is falling apart, AGAIN. (go to amayaiswierd.deadjournal.com for an explanation)
The weeks following pass in a hazy blur. I go to school, work the other days, spend Saturdays in the college library (too broke to buy my College Composition books still) do homework, antagonize & be antagonized by my family, analyze things, secretly loathe my mum's 20-year-old BF (he's less than 6 fucking months older than ME--she's sleeping with a BOY and it bugs the SHIT outta me), make failing plans to clean my room and get re-organized (don't have necessary tools for either; need shelving space, office supplies, and more time in the day), fight with my ex about his incorrect opinions regarding my unexpected pregnancy, read numerous works of fiction and non-fiction (everyone please read Alice Sebold's novel The Lovely Bones and her staggering memoir lucky), fight off panic attacks at 2 or 3 am every few nights, and wake up in cold sweats from nightmares.
FF to today. I break down just because my mom and her stupid fucking BF don't want any of the brownie's I made that came out right for the first time in my brownie making history. I'm still hurt, but I have work in less than 8 hours and I really need to quit sweating shit like this. Fuck them. The brownies aren't that flavorful anyway.
I have to have an abortion and I'm freaking out. I already love my baby but I can't keep her (females are always born first in my family so I'm assuming that's what this one is; hell, could be twins in there for all I know...). I'm sure I'd make a good mom, but I can't handle the exhaustion pregnancy brings while working 30 hrs a week, taking 12 units this semester, and trying to restore my life to something stable. It's best for the child that it not be brought into my chaotic world, and I don't want anyone else to raise it, so that's my only option.
Fact of the matter is, I'm really fucking scared. I'm afraid of the moral consequences of all this. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to my mind when it's already done. I'm afraid of looking at myself in the mirror as it is, and I haven't even done it yet.
God may be able to forgive me for this wrong I'm about to commit, but I'll never forgive myself. When I'm married and my second first child is born, I know I'll weep at the memory of this one growing inside of me right now. When I see my children's faces, I'm going to wonder what this one would have looked like, what gender it was, what kind of personality it would have had... I won't have to wonder how much I'd have loved it, that much I already know. I'm never going to forget... Heaven help me cause I could very well end my life over all of this. It's already crossed my mind a number of times since Jan.
I really would like for this to just be over and done with. The nurse is taking to long to call me back and the longer I wait, the harder it will be to handle, the more painful it will be for the child, and the more painful it will be for me... I can't afford to change my mind, so I really need to get this over with.
I think I'll set up a jizou when this is over, so that I never forget. I'll have to just put the date one there though, cause I don't even have a proper way of naming a child whose sex I don't know.
*sigh* I am more of a fool than I ever thought I could be...
I only wish for the strength of will to hate myself enough to change, but care enough to avoid suicide.
Can anyone recommend a good therapist in the Sacto area that takes MediCal?
---
Oh no... Tuesday after next is Valentine's day... Shit. I have to work that day too... I really hate that stupid "Holi"day. Nothing holy about a bunch of horny human beings getting together once a year to get their damned freak on and hurt each other that day, the day before, or the day after.
Hallmark needs to die.
---
You're Freya, or as some know Black Chii. You are
mysterious, and no one knows you exist except
your creator, you lead a lonely controling
life... hey you got to have something to do.
Which Character from Chobits are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sailor Uranus. You are the boyish one of the group
and always seem to be around sailor neptune
0.0 you also seem to act very calm and
collected.
The Ultim8 Sailor Moon quiz: Which sailor senshi (soldier) R U?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Yomi. You are smart but you tend to get
pulled into fights.
Which Azumanga Daioh Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
At any rate, enough about that ghastly excuse for a website.
Hi, how's it going? It's been a while, ne? almost two months, to be absolutely precise. Quite a bit has happened since December, so allow me to break it down into digestible chunks.
12-17-2005:
Move out of very first apartment on cold, rainy day; have a horrible time, misplace prescription for new glasses (still can't find the damned thing) and generally just hate life for the entirety of the weeks that follow--cycle of hatred is currently still enqueue, btw
12.29.2005:
Have sex with mum's best friend, unknowingly conceiving at this time.
01.01.2006:
Worst new year's ever; nowhere to go, no one to talk to, nothing to do... have returned to Roseville, boredom is par for the course here
01.16.2006:
-1st day of spring term; my second semester of college. I assumed I would have a rather lackluster day of syllabus reading, question asking, and early leaving. how badly mistaken I was. rather than that, ALL of my classes ran the entire period (app. 1.5 hours each, nearly double that for some others) and I left feeling exhausted--still was unaware that I'm pregnant at this point
01.17.2006:
-Start first "real" job as Student Assistant for State of California. I hate answering phones, btw, so if you know me and call me, don't expect me to pick up my cell. I usually don't these days.
-begin to worry that period hasn't started (two days late), despite birth control regimine and Plan B pill taking. call advice nurse, decide to take pregnancy test following morning
01.18.2006:
-get up at 6:00 am (classes don't begin until 10) drive to kaiser an hour and a half later. pee in cup, mentally reasurring self that nothing is the matter, it's just stress.
-8:57pm run to restroom in middle of Japanese class to puke, assuming the skanky fruit and Doritos I ate are to blame. find myself too weak to stay in class any longer, make my way home. attract the unwanted attention of a talkative security guard on the metro train, mistakenly make eye contact and spend most of the rest of the miserable ride to where my car is parked listening to his grisly, violent stories until two homeless teenage girls board the train (THANK YOU, he just WOULDN'T SHUT UP). puke again upon arriving home, eat dinner and crash
01.19.06:
-call nurse while at work, color drains from face as I hear, "The results of your test came out Positive. Congratulations!" resist urge to tell call center rep to shove it up her ass since there's nothing happy about it, promptly hang up phone and silently freak out. spend rest of day trying to hide melancholy and panic from co-workers (not entirely sure how successful that campaign was, didn't want to raise suspicion so I didn't ask anyone if I seemed diff that day)
-that night, call baby's father to inform him. he is apparently on a date and starts to yell at me. I get nasty, he yells more. I hang up and cry--my whole world is falling apart, AGAIN. (go to amayaiswierd.deadjournal.com for an explanation)
The weeks following pass in a hazy blur. I go to school, work the other days, spend Saturdays in the college library (too broke to buy my College Composition books still) do homework, antagonize & be antagonized by my family, analyze things, secretly loathe my mum's 20-year-old BF (he's less than 6 fucking months older than ME--she's sleeping with a BOY and it bugs the SHIT outta me), make failing plans to clean my room and get re-organized (don't have necessary tools for either; need shelving space, office supplies, and more time in the day), fight with my ex about his incorrect opinions regarding my unexpected pregnancy, read numerous works of fiction and non-fiction (everyone please read Alice Sebold's novel The Lovely Bones and her staggering memoir lucky), fight off panic attacks at 2 or 3 am every few nights, and wake up in cold sweats from nightmares.
FF to today. I break down just because my mom and her stupid fucking BF don't want any of the brownie's I made that came out right for the first time in my brownie making history. I'm still hurt, but I have work in less than 8 hours and I really need to quit sweating shit like this. Fuck them. The brownies aren't that flavorful anyway.
I have to have an abortion and I'm freaking out. I already love my baby but I can't keep her (females are always born first in my family so I'm assuming that's what this one is; hell, could be twins in there for all I know...). I'm sure I'd make a good mom, but I can't handle the exhaustion pregnancy brings while working 30 hrs a week, taking 12 units this semester, and trying to restore my life to something stable. It's best for the child that it not be brought into my chaotic world, and I don't want anyone else to raise it, so that's my only option.
Fact of the matter is, I'm really fucking scared. I'm afraid of the moral consequences of all this. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to my mind when it's already done. I'm afraid of looking at myself in the mirror as it is, and I haven't even done it yet.
God may be able to forgive me for this wrong I'm about to commit, but I'll never forgive myself. When I'm married and my second first child is born, I know I'll weep at the memory of this one growing inside of me right now. When I see my children's faces, I'm going to wonder what this one would have looked like, what gender it was, what kind of personality it would have had... I won't have to wonder how much I'd have loved it, that much I already know. I'm never going to forget... Heaven help me cause I could very well end my life over all of this. It's already crossed my mind a number of times since Jan.
I really would like for this to just be over and done with. The nurse is taking to long to call me back and the longer I wait, the harder it will be to handle, the more painful it will be for the child, and the more painful it will be for me... I can't afford to change my mind, so I really need to get this over with.
I think I'll set up a jizou when this is over, so that I never forget. I'll have to just put the date one there though, cause I don't even have a proper way of naming a child whose sex I don't know.
*sigh* I am more of a fool than I ever thought I could be...
I only wish for the strength of will to hate myself enough to change, but care enough to avoid suicide.
Can anyone recommend a good therapist in the Sacto area that takes MediCal?
---
Oh no... Tuesday after next is Valentine's day... Shit. I have to work that day too... I really hate that stupid "Holi"day. Nothing holy about a bunch of horny human beings getting together once a year to get their damned freak on and hurt each other that day, the day before, or the day after.
Hallmark needs to die.
---
You're Freya, or as some know Black Chii. You are
mysterious, and no one knows you exist except
your creator, you lead a lonely controling
life... hey you got to have something to do.
Which Character from Chobits are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sailor Uranus. You are the boyish one of the group
and always seem to be around sailor neptune
0.0 you also seem to act very calm and
collected.
The Ultim8 Sailor Moon quiz: Which sailor senshi (soldier) R U?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Yomi. You are smart but you tend to get
pulled into fights.
Which Azumanga Daioh Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla