Thinking about stuff.

[pinaloca13]

When I want to think about stuff I just don't know where to start. My emotions are hiding and my brain isn't functioning the way I would prefer. I'm weak and unaware of how to change that. She definitely holds me together, she probably doesn't know that. But it's true. My rock is an understatement, I'm realizing that theres a lot more wrong with me then I ever knew. Some due to abuse, some due to past relationships, and some due to the way I was raised and self images that have been drilled in my head...some day I think I will be sane and secure, but unfortunately I don't foresee it in the near future. I've been considering counseling, the only problem is not having insurance or a steady job that I enjoy. I miss things from my past and people and I know that there is no way to go back. Death, drama, lies, and just betrayal. Thats life though I just need to learn to cope and move through it. I never truly deal with my problems, just push them aside or run away. That's the way I have I have always dealt with anything. How do you change the way you react, handle or deal with things in life? When you've been doing it one way for 21 years... I do and say things and as I'm doing so I'm fighting with myself in my head, screaming really to STOP acting or talking or doing, but it just doesn't work. Am I the only one who feels psychotic and paranoid? I feel like it, I'm only alone once in a great while...but inside I feel alone constantly, like I'm battling and competing for, just anything and everything. I just don't know what to do. :-/

Good Night, I'm going to bed.

<3
Shawnta