Table for one, please
Adapting to changing environment and circumstances is the essence of being a human. Most of us do adapt well, but there are a few who take it to another level. They evolve only to disturb the natural order of things, to bring chaos upon the rest who've adapted excellently to the world they know so well. Oh and let me tell you they enjoy bringing chaos into the order. It is important to respect and understand their intentions. The world we live in is impermanent. The time we live in is like an unguided missile - no one knows where its headed. Speaking of world order in these dimensions is a joke. I ask not for respect, but just a little understanding for those who bring the chaos, the uncertainty and the impermanence upon this world. For if it wasn't for them we'd have forgotten to adapt and progress a while ago.
I moved to New York City early 2007. I am still living by myself at the same place in Brooklyn and I am still working in the same office in Manhattan. Life is pretty sweet; without any regrets. Work culture is more or less - work hard; party harder. And, after a 60+ hr. week; we let it loose on Friday nights. There is massive amounts of alcohol flowing. To most of us this is one night of having intense fun; since most of us don't really have a social life other than this. And me being me - I'd rather not hang out on weekends with so called "desi" acquaintances. Mostly, because they are so caught up in "being" American and their fake accent. I am sorry, it's not that I have anything against this form of "adaptation". And, I don't live with roomies. Now given these circumstances & environment for over 2 years - you ought to expect some amusing adaptations in me.
If you haven't guessed already, I am among those who have evolved only to inject chaos into this so called world order. Oh no no, I am just a small foot soldier nothing fancy. Most of my weekends pass by, with me either being - drunk, high or hungover. And, this means I don't step out of my studio till Monday morning. I order in food and stick to my PS3 regime. But then there are some weekends, when I wake up to a bright and sunny Sunday noon and I say to myself - Time to unleash!
Today happens to be one such day. I shaved after 2 weeks, brushed and showered after 54 hrs. - disguised myself to be socially acceptable. Its all part of the game - you've got to be one with the system to break it. Join 'em, spread the chaos and they won't know what hit 'em. Muhahahhaha Evillll.... I know. Anyway, once I was superbly clean, I step out and start walking musing about which one will it be today. I made my choice - Turkish Restaurant. Oh so now the subject made sense it? Tsch Tsch! Of course, the background was necessary. I walk in and say my golden words which I've abused over the last 2 years - "Table for one, please". It's a restaurant owner's nightmare and my delight. They can't legally, ethically say no to me - they are part of the fucking system. And, I abuse it. "Table for one, please", I say. She looks at me and looks around and says "Sure, just a moment please". I can see there are tables, I know what she is thinking. A table usually sits 4, and every time I request a table just for myself it means that for the same occupancy time of the table they make one-fourth the income. She comes back with a beautiful smile and finds me a table where I can enjoy and see them burn....muhahahahha. Recession probably punched a hole through their roof, but I make sure it stays that way.
A'ight, pulling this off seems very trivial but really enjoying it takes a bit more. And that's where I come in to share the gyan. There are two important characteristics that one needs to acquire/posses - 1. got to be a foodie; enjoy what you eat. 2. knack to rape (of course not sexually); enjoy forcibly fucking somebody's day up. The idea is simple - piss off the restaurant owner and find something that chef will enjoy cooking and you will enjoy eating. If the chef happens to be the restaurant owner, I feel bad - he will never know what hit him. So here we go -
Yeah I know, society thinks I am better off drunk at home playing PS3 and ordering in food. But, hey I am here to disrupt the natural order of things.
PS: Oh and the lunch was good. I had an Adana Kebab meal.
PPS: Thanks for the nudge, I really did miss writing.
I moved to New York City early 2007. I am still living by myself at the same place in Brooklyn and I am still working in the same office in Manhattan. Life is pretty sweet; without any regrets. Work culture is more or less - work hard; party harder. And, after a 60+ hr. week; we let it loose on Friday nights. There is massive amounts of alcohol flowing. To most of us this is one night of having intense fun; since most of us don't really have a social life other than this. And me being me - I'd rather not hang out on weekends with so called "desi" acquaintances. Mostly, because they are so caught up in "being" American and their fake accent. I am sorry, it's not that I have anything against this form of "adaptation". And, I don't live with roomies. Now given these circumstances & environment for over 2 years - you ought to expect some amusing adaptations in me.
If you haven't guessed already, I am among those who have evolved only to inject chaos into this so called world order. Oh no no, I am just a small foot soldier nothing fancy. Most of my weekends pass by, with me either being - drunk, high or hungover. And, this means I don't step out of my studio till Monday morning. I order in food and stick to my PS3 regime. But then there are some weekends, when I wake up to a bright and sunny Sunday noon and I say to myself - Time to unleash!
Today happens to be one such day. I shaved after 2 weeks, brushed and showered after 54 hrs. - disguised myself to be socially acceptable. Its all part of the game - you've got to be one with the system to break it. Join 'em, spread the chaos and they won't know what hit 'em. Muhahahhaha Evillll.... I know. Anyway, once I was superbly clean, I step out and start walking musing about which one will it be today. I made my choice - Turkish Restaurant. Oh so now the subject made sense it? Tsch Tsch! Of course, the background was necessary. I walk in and say my golden words which I've abused over the last 2 years - "Table for one, please". It's a restaurant owner's nightmare and my delight. They can't legally, ethically say no to me - they are part of the fucking system. And, I abuse it. "Table for one, please", I say. She looks at me and looks around and says "Sure, just a moment please". I can see there are tables, I know what she is thinking. A table usually sits 4, and every time I request a table just for myself it means that for the same occupancy time of the table they make one-fourth the income. She comes back with a beautiful smile and finds me a table where I can enjoy and see them burn....muhahahahha. Recession probably punched a hole through their roof, but I make sure it stays that way.
A'ight, pulling this off seems very trivial but really enjoying it takes a bit more. And that's where I come in to share the gyan. There are two important characteristics that one needs to acquire/posses - 1. got to be a foodie; enjoy what you eat. 2. knack to rape (of course not sexually); enjoy forcibly fucking somebody's day up. The idea is simple - piss off the restaurant owner and find something that chef will enjoy cooking and you will enjoy eating. If the chef happens to be the restaurant owner, I feel bad - he will never know what hit him. So here we go -
- Understand the locality of the restaurant; always show up right before the peak hour begins for the restaurant. It hits them harder when they have to keep a party of 4 waiting because one guy is still having his meal.
- Never walk in empty handed always make sure you have either have a latest communication device that technology has bestowed upon us or at least a small pocket notepad. Let me elaborate - I usually start having long conversations over the cell phone during my meal and start IM-ing people just to drop in a 'Hi'. Most of the times, I really have nothing to say :), but then I got to piss off the owner. You must be wondering why would I suggest a small pocket notebook. Well, sometimes I choose not to piss them off but instead bring fear upon them...muhahahaha. While eating my meal peacefully, I stop and spend few minutes jotting stuff in my small pocket book. They are convinced I am food critic; I get treated well and they are scared as shit to fuck it up. Oh trust me it works, especially if you have glasses and a beard. The bright side of imposing as a food critic is you get free dessert and on the down side you can not pull off the food critic role in all restaurants.
- Never ask the waiter - "What would you recommend?". Instead ask, "What's the speciality of the chef?". Stay in good terms with the chef, respect the guy with the ridiculous hat for he'll make sure you enjoy raping his boss. In fact I go out of my way to compliment the chef if I am really having a good time. Occasionally, I go on another route of ordering something that is time consuming to prepare and/or time consuming to eat. That way chef & I are happy and the owner is pissed. Know the cuisine, before you abuse it's weakness. Greeks are good with Lamb, Northern Italian is more grill/roast while Southern Italian is more sauce/cheese, French will always hate you unless you speak French with a native accent, Koreans are good with octopus and I'd say Japanese will cook anything that moves in water. The list is endless, but the important thing is by all means make sure you don't piss off the chef. You don't want his/her bodily fluids in your dish; do you? Respect the ridiculous hat.
- If you happen to notice a lady sitting by herself at a table; never assume she is here for the same intentions as you are. She is probably just waiting for someone more sensible than you. Instead, ogle at the waitress; that should piss off the owner. Ogle especially while chewing the food, it leaves an ambiguity if it's the food that is you are enjoying or if it is the waitress that you are enjoying looking at.
- If the owner happens to ask you about the food, look him/her in the eye and talk. Be confident and sure of what harm you are doing. Be critical about the experience - you enjoyed the food more than the service and ambience. Yay to Chef, Nay to Owner. Owner's day is ruined.
- Please, just tip generously. You want to go back there; don't you? Make sure you write it in there "Special compliments to the chef". Waitress, is now suddenly happy and overlooks the ogling et al because of the tip. Chef is happy. Owner is pissed. Kill the King....muhahahaha!
Yeah I know, society thinks I am better off drunk at home playing PS3 and ordering in food. But, hey I am here to disrupt the natural order of things.
PS: Oh and the lunch was good. I had an Adana Kebab meal.
PPS: Thanks for the nudge, I really did miss writing.