life in the underworld
haha what a dramatic title. Whatever. So, I'm really hoping that no one but Hilary and maybe Kate read this at this point but whatever. I feel like I have done a lot of thinking this semester and learned a lot about myself and others. In the past 24 hours I made a discovery about Alik.
Now, this is just a theory but it makes a lot of sense. I'm a bit worried about him and his general well being. He doesn't seem to be taking care of himself at all and lives primarily for the moment. I came to this realization after receiving a text from him stating that his left side felt numb and he was faint and lethargic, should he eat salt. I'm sorry what? I don't remember exactly what I responded but something along the lines of that is very concerning I think you should just get some sleep, knowing that he was extremely sleep deprived because I had spent the weekend with him and was exhausted myself, and I have "caught up" more than he has since then. So, after not getting a response within 10 minutes I started calling him freaking out a bit only to have him finally call me (40 min after the original text and my response) saying that he had been in class. All of this is not that big of a deal, annoying but whatever. The point is that his sleep deprivation is more than a trend but has truly become his life. He is also not eating very well. When I stay with him he doesn't eat very much and NEVER has a square meal. We talked about this when he finally called me. He also is not doing as well as he should be academically to the point that he could lose his scholarship and thus have to drop out (really hoping no one else reads this...). Hilary you know Alik, that's not like him. He is incredibly smart and should be acing his courses. The way he talks about them I honestly assumed he was getting A's due to his ability to participate in class as easily as he says. Also, there is the way that he treats this relationship. It's not bad, not good either. But very much out of sight out of mind.
I don't know I might be crazy but with all of this combined with depression has led me to the conclusion that he lives for right now. With very little concept of consequences. But I know him so I know he has the concept of consequences, he just doesn't care. This was organized better in my head a few hours ago before I drained myself studying but still. You get the idea, I think. I'm really concerned about him. At the same time though I'm a bit concerned for myself. Because if all of this is true then it doesn't bode well for us. To a certain extent I already dated the smart guy who doesn't do well in school. I kinda want someone who cares about what they are doing and is willing to work for it. I mean I understand procrastination as well as anyone. I also understand not doing your best. But there is still a line. I dunno. I could be reading into it too far but either way I am worried about him. His health in general. I wish that we could just talk again like before. I've done so much thinking and growing this semester that I feel like he doesn't know me anymore and I hate that. Also, I feel like he has gone deep into himself to the point that I don't really know him. It just sucks because odds are we won't have time to talk about it and then maybe never will. I can already see us drifting apart slowly and I don't like it...maybe the long distance this was a bad idea...
Now, this is just a theory but it makes a lot of sense. I'm a bit worried about him and his general well being. He doesn't seem to be taking care of himself at all and lives primarily for the moment. I came to this realization after receiving a text from him stating that his left side felt numb and he was faint and lethargic, should he eat salt. I'm sorry what? I don't remember exactly what I responded but something along the lines of that is very concerning I think you should just get some sleep, knowing that he was extremely sleep deprived because I had spent the weekend with him and was exhausted myself, and I have "caught up" more than he has since then. So, after not getting a response within 10 minutes I started calling him freaking out a bit only to have him finally call me (40 min after the original text and my response) saying that he had been in class. All of this is not that big of a deal, annoying but whatever. The point is that his sleep deprivation is more than a trend but has truly become his life. He is also not eating very well. When I stay with him he doesn't eat very much and NEVER has a square meal. We talked about this when he finally called me. He also is not doing as well as he should be academically to the point that he could lose his scholarship and thus have to drop out (really hoping no one else reads this...). Hilary you know Alik, that's not like him. He is incredibly smart and should be acing his courses. The way he talks about them I honestly assumed he was getting A's due to his ability to participate in class as easily as he says. Also, there is the way that he treats this relationship. It's not bad, not good either. But very much out of sight out of mind.
I don't know I might be crazy but with all of this combined with depression has led me to the conclusion that he lives for right now. With very little concept of consequences. But I know him so I know he has the concept of consequences, he just doesn't care. This was organized better in my head a few hours ago before I drained myself studying but still. You get the idea, I think. I'm really concerned about him. At the same time though I'm a bit concerned for myself. Because if all of this is true then it doesn't bode well for us. To a certain extent I already dated the smart guy who doesn't do well in school. I kinda want someone who cares about what they are doing and is willing to work for it. I mean I understand procrastination as well as anyone. I also understand not doing your best. But there is still a line. I dunno. I could be reading into it too far but either way I am worried about him. His health in general. I wish that we could just talk again like before. I've done so much thinking and growing this semester that I feel like he doesn't know me anymore and I hate that. Also, I feel like he has gone deep into himself to the point that I don't really know him. It just sucks because odds are we won't have time to talk about it and then maybe never will. I can already see us drifting apart slowly and I don't like it...maybe the long distance this was a bad idea...