(no subject)

[pimptress21]

Hey everyone well I guess I'm updating to get some stuff off my chest..well as most of you know i'm going to Tirosh this Luthern retreat thing and I'm kinda hesitant..Sarah told me that my two worst enemies are coming or so she says but I'm hoping she was just lying to me and if she isn't then its going to be a long weeked...I'm worried about not having alone time to myself theres NO CD PLAYERS, NO CELL PHONES and all that type of stuff these are all things that relax me and calm me down I usually get really emoitional goin on retreats and I'm afraid that if I don't have them I will become a reck I'm afraid of how I'm going to come home what emoitions I will have about God and all that stuff when I get back I really don't need much more confusion then I already have..and I'm afraid thats its goin to be another thing for me to analyze and try to figure out what I really do believe..I already feel like a dork coming into this with no real belief in anything...and what if I come home and I still don't have a belief I mean to me a lot of things helped ME figure out that God doesn't exsist..I could go on and name them forever but this would be the longest post ever....now I'm at a blank road..I'm in need of assitance and yet the one time I think that I have things in control something pops up to ruin all of that control I thought I felt..then I think well was I really in control? did I really know how to deal with things? all of these things come up when the subject of god comes up...I lose all sense of control...I just am sick of feeling that no control thing, so if you guys don't hear from me until sometime on Sunday you know why? anyway I love you all and I hope I have some answers to a few of my questions when I get back....comment lots and make me feel special!
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARISSA!! I LOVE YOU SWEETIE AND I WISH I COULD BE THERE FOR YOUR NOTEBOOK PARTY ANYWAY I LOVE YOU LOTS!!