lowercase, lowerspirits
life would be so much better if i were back at closer to my goal weight. starting over is so fucking hard. and with going out of town to Palm Beach like, hmmm, tomorrow; then coming back just to go to Tampa for Jen's birthday.....it's just overwhelming me with doubt. will i consider out of town a cheat week? will i be peer pressured? will i fuck up? will i even have fun? or will i drown in my discomfort from my fat that oozes out in any abstract direction it can--reaching for the pizza and cupcakes?, thinks the brain.
the weigh-in today disclosed a four pound loss, which is great. but considering i am heavier than when i even started Medi still makes it a constant blah feeling.
i just want to stay in town, stay on my diet, work every day to get my funds straight, and go out of town when it is easier on the wallet and the mind. but no, i have wedding plannings and people who seem so eager to see me that this week has to be the week. there are no options for poor Alexandria. so, hopefully--with assistance from appetite suppressants--i can fast for the first few party-ridden Palm Beach days and enjoy a low-calorie, low-tolerance visit. maybe squeeze some sit-ups and jogs in there (highly unlikely by the way).
then Tampa will be Tampa like it always is. Jen probably won't have a good birthday unless we are all eating fucked up shit like she is. ugh. i might just have to be a bad friend and not fuck up too, too bad. you know, portion control it while i'm there. but i know my food labia and, boy, do i know the pleasure it seeks on the regular. so, God-willing, may the appetite lords rain love upon me and give me the will power to just not eat like a linebacker. oh wait, then Neak will chime in with her suggestions of Magic Mushroom pizzas and Cheddar's mudslides. i shouldn't go. i should pick up shifts and say i have to work.
i want this more than anything so i should be able to do it, no problem. but 500 calories a day is a demanding diet. i'm sure that without working around food all day i should be better off. but there are these evil little mongrels called drunk munchies that will, without a doubt, plague my existence and probably fuck me over. i just don't wanna think anymore.
bleh. i should sleep. work in the morning will be trying. then, i may have to make that drive down south. eck.
goodnight and good wishes to me for good luck!
rest in peace
mercedes
1988-2002
i ♥ you s'much
the weigh-in today disclosed a four pound loss, which is great. but considering i am heavier than when i even started Medi still makes it a constant blah feeling.
i just want to stay in town, stay on my diet, work every day to get my funds straight, and go out of town when it is easier on the wallet and the mind. but no, i have wedding plannings and people who seem so eager to see me that this week has to be the week. there are no options for poor Alexandria. so, hopefully--with assistance from appetite suppressants--i can fast for the first few party-ridden Palm Beach days and enjoy a low-calorie, low-tolerance visit. maybe squeeze some sit-ups and jogs in there (highly unlikely by the way).
then Tampa will be Tampa like it always is. Jen probably won't have a good birthday unless we are all eating fucked up shit like she is. ugh. i might just have to be a bad friend and not fuck up too, too bad. you know, portion control it while i'm there. but i know my food labia and, boy, do i know the pleasure it seeks on the regular. so, God-willing, may the appetite lords rain love upon me and give me the will power to just not eat like a linebacker. oh wait, then Neak will chime in with her suggestions of Magic Mushroom pizzas and Cheddar's mudslides. i shouldn't go. i should pick up shifts and say i have to work.
i want this more than anything so i should be able to do it, no problem. but 500 calories a day is a demanding diet. i'm sure that without working around food all day i should be better off. but there are these evil little mongrels called drunk munchies that will, without a doubt, plague my existence and probably fuck me over. i just don't wanna think anymore.
bleh. i should sleep. work in the morning will be trying. then, i may have to make that drive down south. eck.
goodnight and good wishes to me for good luck!
rest in peace
mercedes
1988-2002
i ♥ you s'much