frazzled
I write this cause I need an outlet. My life as of now is shit. I have no outlet for stress. I haven't done a thing I truly enjoy in months and it's wearing on me. Classes and grades are always there and it's getting to the breaking point. I'm not book smart and I know this thus I have little confidence to go with my studying. I don't learn this way. My family keeps pushing me to do better and remind me of how important grades are. Well no shit! Thanks for the pointer. I don't want to disappoint those people but every low grade does just that in my mind. Perhaps I care too much for people. My family and my close friends are more than the world to me. I can't describe in words what I feel for these people. I do little treats for them because the best thing in the world for me is seeing someone I care for feeling special. I have never been good at showing emotion, it's something I don't do. Little surprises are the best I can muster. (now for the stupid part) I know my friends and family care for me but sometimes I don't believe it. It's like in the book 1984. 2+2= both 4 and 5. I know the truth but don't believe it. It's nice to get the affirmation. But I'm ashamed to need it. I shouldn't feel like I need for someone to value me in order to see value in myself. Being 21 and never having a girlfriend is both frustrating and embarrassing. I know that there have been chances that I plainly fucked up but still... it hurts. I have been getting out more (fuck my neighbors I hate their souls) and trying to meet new people but I still have yet to master the art of starting a conversation. I can hold one just fine, provided it is at least somewhat intelligent, but the other must start it. (I swear I will slit them from navel to nose)
If you have made it this far and still feel you can look me in the eye kudos to you. I have been drinking this night but am by no means drunk nor buzzed. I stopped many hours ago. (I hope they all have aneurysms) I wrote this chiefly to clarify and organize my jumble of thoughts. I need structure. I need order. But mostly I need someone to know. (DIE APT 26 DIE!!!!!)
If you have made it this far and still feel you can look me in the eye kudos to you. I have been drinking this night but am by no means drunk nor buzzed. I stopped many hours ago. (I hope they all have aneurysms) I wrote this chiefly to clarify and organize my jumble of thoughts. I need structure. I need order. But mostly I need someone to know. (DIE APT 26 DIE!!!!!)