(no subject)
so i will not write about what's in my head, uncensored from myself, then close the window too embarassed to publish.
there are many things wrong, very few things right, if any. for one, all i do, am afforded, or can find any sort of happiness at all in, are cigarettes, video games, and daydreams. the only way i can sleep is if i'm stoned and the only way i can function is if i'm hopped up on adderall. legalized crack.
the only reason this shit is out there is because we're pussies. it's there to shut us up, or to regulate us psychologically. which is all the government really does now that i finally see it, or rather, feel it.
my parents are so cute, my dad gets excited and watches ufc, trying to spark meaningless conversation with me, as if we have something to actually talk about. and i can see it in a movie, this father son conversation over little things, or i can see it in his head, but i usually never engage it. wow, now that i think about it, he was watching ufc and my pride dvds for hours tonight, probably hoping just to talk about it with me. but i've been so cranky all day, so bitter all week. but i suppose that's no excuse. i need to show them how much i really do love them.
but earlier before work my mom and dad started asking me questions about why i carry a knife around everywhere i go. no, i probably will never have to use it to save my life, and i want to keep it that way, but still, it's reassurance. more or less. fact is, i do, so let it go. i know what can happen, what police will try to say, but i know my rights. and they keep giving me shit as if i'm the one that doesn't understand. and i get mad and storm off to work where i mope around pretending to work for hours because, for whatever reason, i have no adderall to take.
and i come home to my dad and i feel sad and realize i'm a total drag, disappointment, etc.
and my uncle's got lung cancer, he got the results back a few days ago. he's going in for more tests this week. and the fact is he's fucked. 60 years old, probably never REALLY thought about death before. sure we all "think" about it our entire lives, but we don't really THINK about it until we're 70+ right. it came out of nowhere and we're all just shocked. here's this guy that i've secretly looked up to my entire life, and he's dying and not me. to put it in perspective if it spreads to his brain (which it probably will if it hasn't already) he's got about three months left. fucking how will he spend the year he's got left? sure i write about it, but in my head so much more is going on... and i wish i could describe it with words, but i have never been good with words. nothing but love for this man. when i drive home from work it catches me off guard and i wind up in tears.
and funny that the only thing that i really look forward to each day is smoking cigarettes. ironic? and yes i have finally figured out what is so amazing yet addictive. but i feel if i smoke too much my entire life will become one big break?
explosions in the sky really isn't that good.
working. hmmm. working. kirby's is alright. it's the first time i've ever had this much contact with people in a work environment and i like it. some of the girls are cute (although i will never get with any of them, more on that in a while). the guys are pretty funny. it reminds me of a little family (bitchy aunts included). although the reality of this, of course, is that nobody actually gives a shit about anybody, so this little metaphor is close to useless. but it's fun. gives me a little money to spend on cigarettes, food, video games, and other shit i don't need to buy.
and for the first time in a while i really want a girlfriend. for a long time i just needed someone to hook up with (which never happened btw), but now i'm just so fucking lonely and empty that i have no real reason to do anything anymore. so i don't. no one calls, and if they think that it's because i don't call them enough they'd be wrong because i call everybody and no one ever calls back. nah, no one cares, better get used to it. i always say it but it's impossible. and people will say, "oh no i really do care <333" but the truth is heyyyy, no you don't. let's not kid ourselves anymore. since i went to school i've literally just lost friends, not gained anyone new. i pretty much have like two friends now, with who i give me whole heart to. and not just bullshit like people say on myspace or whatever. people who if someone said one bad thing about i would lay them out in an instant. hey, marc, if anyone ever fucks with you i will put them out so fast. same with my family, so of course i am faced with a month old dilemma, which will probably lead to nothing, but daydreams.................
at training i feel like an outsider again. no one really talks to me, i don't really talk to anyone. just come to learn, then leave. i can tell something's weird, but no clue what, so my head is all sorts of fucked up. and i'm so bitter about so much now. everything sets me off in my head when i'm there because it has all meant so much to me for the past year and now i really have absolutely no idea what to think about anything anymore. my eyes have been opened in this past year. so much. but now i'm just paranoid, i haven't gotten the second piece. the government is the scariest thing in the world and no one knows it. a bubble. my white conservative parents have no clue how brainwashed they are. the law the law the law. i love them so much but how can they be so blinded? the war is probably just an act, a scene. the government can make it happen, they can make anything happen.
but i'm too small, maybe no point in reacting. just sulking.
god, the birds are always out when i'm just going upstairs. same with the sun. same with my sister's alarm clock blairing at 5:15, then her alarm on her phone. then i wake up at 4, go to work, get back at 11, do nothing, go to bed way too late, repeat, repeat. i just need a girlfriend. i had a dream that a girl liked me last night, and i didn't want to wake up. when i did i woke to my mom scuffling around my room for dirty clothes, my eyes weren't even open and i was only awake for a second, praying just to fall back asleep in the arms of my imaginary girlfriend. how sad is all of this. and i know for a fact i can't get a girl, but we won't even get into that. besides, all the guys at work are always over the hostesses, flirtingg all night long. sometimes i wish that was me, but when i back up and look at it it's obnoxious. i never want to be like that. i never have, and never will, for better or for worse. and it's sickening watching to waitresses hustle. giggling at stupid jokes, calling everyone honey. watching as they ask if they'd like desert, but only asking so they get a bigger tip. exactly like a strip club. there is no difference at all, only in scale. the concept is still the same, all a game. and basically everything's a game now, so what can we really trust? i don't trust anyone anymore. it kills me, but how else will i survive? do i want to live blindly? controlled by the government, concepts and social regulations? i always thought this shit was cheesy growing up. "oh society shapes us, we're all conformists, break the mold!" yeah, that sounds cheesy, but it's so real. i don't care about conforming, i buy abercrombie clothes, i like it. i like money, yeah, and i know it digs my grave. but we must learn to see these things. the sky is glass and we're still not seeing it. i feel like a hampster locked in a cage. i want to be free, but how free will we ever be when almost everything we have ever known has been fed to us by our same mother? in conclusion, we can trust nothing, we must keep searching. although i feel this, also, is a futile and rewardless task.
so in the end i fear that i will die in unfulfilment. no, most everyone will not, as they are happy with the law abiding, civily clean lives they have led. afterall, they have made it to the top! look at their mansion that they leave their kids! the cars they will inherit! the same blind mentality planted in them to keep it living on forever!
every paragraph i have started has ended on a completely different note. obviously i am a bad essay writer. three movies on hbo have passed since i have been watching the tv guide channel.
these words will help to summarize my entire mind in the past two weeks:
girls, fighting, food, cigarettes, need for speed, motorcycles, cars, knives, work, money, uncle dan, family, friends.
something is obviously missing in my life.
and there is a very good chance that it is girls and motorcycles.