(no subject)
I'm actually at work right now, so I don't have much time, yet I had this extreme urge to write, so here we are, my lovelies. So, if I typo I don't have the time or the care to fix them. So deal with it.
hehe.
These past few days have....well, wow. I'm actually speechless. I've become quite aware of my own existence; of the world in general. To be more precise I've had a much-needed swift kick in the ass. And as ashamed I have become of the stupidity and general human behaviour I've demonstrated lately, I feel happy. I feel like I can finally start down the right path, and I put emphasis on the word "start". I am nowhere near where I need to be. But a beginning is a beginning. As far as personal interests go I feel like I'm walking on shakier ground....which I refuse to go into much further. those of you that are there and know what I'm talking about, I'll spare you the grief. Prattling on about concerns of 'which way to go, what will happen now' is stupid, pointless, and besides, I don't think such things should ever be discussed in a public area like this.
I do love you all. That's about all that really needs to be said. I just....pray, that all of you show some patience until I can actually stop being stupid and get used to being myself. For the past while I've just felt like I've only been along for the ride, and in reality I'm the one sitting at the controls of a wrecked train, blinking, wondering who the hell is piloting this thing, and why the hell were they dumb enough to hit a cow on the track. Mmmf. I realized just now this entire piece sounds like utter nonsense and I still am struggling to get all the shit in my head out even the slightest bit, coherently, onto paper/computer screen, whatever...I am still just a child.
And I am happy.
"Be the ball...the ball, is your soul....."
p.s. Andrew. That cryptic paragraph in your latest post, about viewing your death in all of those ways, happens to me all the time. I view myself crashing every time I'm in my car, and I see people shooting me, stabbing me, once even bashing my head in with a brick; myself falling off of piers, bridges, freeway overpasses, 12-story buildings. Sometimes I wonder if all it is I'm seeing is the aftermath of all of the failed endings from the choices I did or didn't make. I wonder if I could have died in my car heading to work based just on what I ate for breakfast that morning.
hehe.
These past few days have....well, wow. I'm actually speechless. I've become quite aware of my own existence; of the world in general. To be more precise I've had a much-needed swift kick in the ass. And as ashamed I have become of the stupidity and general human behaviour I've demonstrated lately, I feel happy. I feel like I can finally start down the right path, and I put emphasis on the word "start". I am nowhere near where I need to be. But a beginning is a beginning. As far as personal interests go I feel like I'm walking on shakier ground....which I refuse to go into much further. those of you that are there and know what I'm talking about, I'll spare you the grief. Prattling on about concerns of 'which way to go, what will happen now' is stupid, pointless, and besides, I don't think such things should ever be discussed in a public area like this.
I do love you all. That's about all that really needs to be said. I just....pray, that all of you show some patience until I can actually stop being stupid and get used to being myself. For the past while I've just felt like I've only been along for the ride, and in reality I'm the one sitting at the controls of a wrecked train, blinking, wondering who the hell is piloting this thing, and why the hell were they dumb enough to hit a cow on the track. Mmmf. I realized just now this entire piece sounds like utter nonsense and I still am struggling to get all the shit in my head out even the slightest bit, coherently, onto paper/computer screen, whatever...I am still just a child.
And I am happy.
"Be the ball...the ball, is your soul....."
p.s. Andrew. That cryptic paragraph in your latest post, about viewing your death in all of those ways, happens to me all the time. I view myself crashing every time I'm in my car, and I see people shooting me, stabbing me, once even bashing my head in with a brick; myself falling off of piers, bridges, freeway overpasses, 12-story buildings. Sometimes I wonder if all it is I'm seeing is the aftermath of all of the failed endings from the choices I did or didn't make. I wonder if I could have died in my car heading to work based just on what I ate for breakfast that morning.