i haven't touched this thing in like 5 years whats up
I've been struggling a lot lately with tons of stuff and sometimes I just feel like typing a lot. I have a nice keyboard that makes great clickety clack noises so typing is pretty stress-relieving. and oh my god am I full of stress lately.
I'm not going to go into a big rehashing of the past 5 years, lets be real no one is even going to read this.
I'm officially depressed, have anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder, and god knows what else but that's all they've got so far. I've been in and out of the hospital a few times, I've been apprehended by police under the mental health act of canada and I've been in a fucking ambulance 3 times just last year. I bounced between three different anti-depressants in the past 4 months and I think I'm finally on something that's working, so that's nice I guess.
I've been refused entry into the united states twice which fucking sucks. My boyfriend (of almost a year) lives in Delaware and I miss him a ton. I miss him so much. I'm so stressed out about our relationship and I'm trying not to let it get to either of us, especially since he's so close to graduating from university.
I'm also broke as fuck and unemployed because of my mental health, oh and I'm living in Vancouver now with my sister, which is okay I guess. She lets me and my cat (I got a cat!) live here rent free (for now) as long as I keep the place clean. Not working sucks. I have all this time and NO motivation to do anything whatsoever. I feel like a waste of space and I should probably just go kill myself at some point (sooner than later) but I have to remember that I have a cat and my sister and parents would be upset and killing myself will accomplish nothing (no matter how much I want it. Hey maybe those anti-despressants aren't working!)
Being suicidal is exhausting. Everything I do has the question "Is there a point to this?" attached. 90% of my day is spent wishing I could lie down in the middle of a train station and just be done with everything. I get told to just "stop thinking about it" and "feel better" but people don't understand there is no OFF SWITCH for this shit. And I can't just put a paper bag with a smile drawn on it over my face because I will fucking suffocate. I get it that some people have the ability of putting on a face, but I don't have that.
And now I've totally burnt myself out emotionally and am done writing for right now. I'll vent more later.
I'm not going to go into a big rehashing of the past 5 years, lets be real no one is even going to read this.
I'm officially depressed, have anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder, and god knows what else but that's all they've got so far. I've been in and out of the hospital a few times, I've been apprehended by police under the mental health act of canada and I've been in a fucking ambulance 3 times just last year. I bounced between three different anti-depressants in the past 4 months and I think I'm finally on something that's working, so that's nice I guess.
I've been refused entry into the united states twice which fucking sucks. My boyfriend (of almost a year) lives in Delaware and I miss him a ton. I miss him so much. I'm so stressed out about our relationship and I'm trying not to let it get to either of us, especially since he's so close to graduating from university.
I'm also broke as fuck and unemployed because of my mental health, oh and I'm living in Vancouver now with my sister, which is okay I guess. She lets me and my cat (I got a cat!) live here rent free (for now) as long as I keep the place clean. Not working sucks. I have all this time and NO motivation to do anything whatsoever. I feel like a waste of space and I should probably just go kill myself at some point (sooner than later) but I have to remember that I have a cat and my sister and parents would be upset and killing myself will accomplish nothing (no matter how much I want it. Hey maybe those anti-despressants aren't working!)
Being suicidal is exhausting. Everything I do has the question "Is there a point to this?" attached. 90% of my day is spent wishing I could lie down in the middle of a train station and just be done with everything. I get told to just "stop thinking about it" and "feel better" but people don't understand there is no OFF SWITCH for this shit. And I can't just put a paper bag with a smile drawn on it over my face because I will fucking suffocate. I get it that some people have the ability of putting on a face, but I don't have that.
And now I've totally burnt myself out emotionally and am done writing for right now. I'll vent more later.