One-shot: Doctor U
Title: Doctor U
Pairings/Characters: KAT-TUN gen
Rating: PG-13 for some things blowing up
Warnings: This is a Doctor Who AU, so it uses a little of its jargon and patterns.
Summary: When AKB48 threatens to completely overthrow JE’s reign, Johnny calls the only person that can save the day.
Notes: Set in present-day Japan, where JE as we know it exists, with the exception of KAT-TUN. I'm not half as awesome as the Doctor Who writers, so I'm sorry for not-crazy-enough explanations and possible logic flaws.
Written for yararanger as a part of fic_the_faith 2012. Originally posted here. 6296 words.
Thanks to maiamcw for the beta.
When the songs and fire meet
Vixens rise
When the songs and fire meet
In Doctor’s eyes
A goodbye lies
Where the songs and fire meet
“So Ueda, where are we going next?” Koki asks, holding onto the railing and watching Ueda push the buttons and pull on several levers in his usual ritual. Even after several years of traveling together, Koki still feels like Ueda has no clue about what he’s doing.
“I told you not to call me that. I’m the Doctor,” Ueda says, pushing another button, and the Tardis shakes them violently.
“But that’s just too weird. It’s like we’re in a really bad cosplay.” Koki makes a face.
The phone rings then.
“Pick that up for me, will you?” Ueda asks Koki, then turns his attention back to his space ship. “Come on, sexy. Don’t be naughty.”
“Some guy wants to talk to you,” Koki calls. “Some Johnny.”
“Johnny who?”
“The Johnny?” Koki repeats what the person on the phone just said.
Ueda looks pensive for a moment, then Koki jumps and almost falls down the stairs when the Tardis jerks as if to remind them that Ueda’s not paying attention to it.
“It’s the guy who gave you the nickname. Must be! No one else calls you Ueda!” Koki shouts, and Ueda takes the phone receiver swinging freely on the cord and bumping into equipment.
“Johnny-san,” he mutters, and he looks like he just ate something very sour. “I’m not coming to Japan and joining your newest idol act. You’ve kept asking every year for the past two decades, and I keep telling you I’m not interested.”
“Ueda-kun,” Johnny cackles over the phone. “You’re gorgeous. I really think you should reconsider. With you, we would be invincible. But my yearly offer isn’t on the schedule for the next two months. This is a desperate call for help. We’ve been under a heavy attack, and I fear invasion,” Johnny sounds almost scared. “Please come.”
“It’s not a trap?” Ueda asks.
“No, it’s not. You have my word,” Johnny assures him.
“No hoards of Juniors chasing me across Tokyo because you promised them to debut with me if they catch me?” Ueda ask skeptically.
Johnny laughs. “That was so nineties. No one will touch you. Unless you want them to, of course.”
“What year do you have now?” Ueda asks after a moment of silence.
“It’s January 2012. Please try to get the right time frame,” Johnny says and hangs up.
“I really should just change my number,” Ueda mutters.
“I think that’s as impossible as you having a phone here,” Koki says, then slings his arm around Ueda.
“Are we going to Tokyo?” he asks.
Ueda nods and pushes the closest button to him.
“We’re going home,” Koki says in excitement, and Ueda startles a bit. In the next moment, he runs off to the other side of the main control room, getting ready for the landing.
*
When Koki opens the door and bursts out, he ends up toppling over some tall bony guy.
“Excuse me,” the man splutters, and Koki rolls away from him.
“That’s what I call smooth landing,” another tall man says from above, leaning down to examine Koki. His smile is too wide.
Someone opens the door, and Koki is momentarily distracted by a man in a slick suit that eyes him wearily.
“Taguchi, there’s a big blue box in the middle of our meeting room. Is this a new game console?”
Ueda saunters out the door that moment, snapping his fingers to shut them.
“Kamenashi-kun. Still in denial then, I see.” he says and observes the room. “And these are?”
“Taguchi Junosuke,” the tall and smiling one replies.
“Nakamaru Yuichi,” the tall one on the floor says, and he looks exactly how a person should look like after experiencing the Tardis landing in his personal space, confused and bewildered. At least something is right.
Kamenashi looks at his watch then survey the room again.
“I guess we’re moving this meeting elsewhere,” he says, clearly addressing the two men still surrounding Koki.
“There’s no reason to feel strange,” Ueda waves him off. “I’m just visiting your boss. I’ll find my way.”
Koki finally takes Junno’s hand and stands up, then hauls the other guy up. “I’m Tanaka Koki,” he quickly bows his head and follows Ueda out the door.
*
“Do you want some tea?” Johnny asks from deep in his chair. Ueda shakes his head, sitting at the edge of the table.
“I do,” Koki says, and Johnny’s gaze shifts to him.
“A new friend of yours?” he asks. “Japanese, I see. You have good taste, Ueda-kun,” he continues.
“Actually, we’ve met,” Koki says, but Johnny does not seem to pay attention.
“What can you do, boy? Can you dance? What about cart wheels?”
Koki looks a little confused. Then he looks around again and gasps. “You’re Johnny Kitagawa. How did I not notice the last time?”
“Oh boy, I don’t even remember seeing you,” Johnny says, then looks at Ueda again.
“I’m really glad you came,” he says. “I need you to ship AKB48 back to wherever they came from. Just spare their manager. He seems to have potential in writing bubble gum pop. I could use him.”
“What’s AKB48?” Ueda asks.
“More like who,” Koki says, eyes fixed on a magazine in front of him. “And just how many of them are there?”
“Well, definitely more than forty eight,” Johnny says desperately. “Isn’t that alone suspicious? It’s like they breed them somewhere deep in Akihabara,” he goes on while Ueda points a sonic screwdriver at the magazine in Koki’s hand.
“It’s just a picture,” Koki mutters, now excitedly flopping through the many pictures with girls on girls in frilly school uniforms.
“One picture is worth a thousand words,” Ueda murmurs, and heads out of the office.
Koki follows, keeping the magazine.
“Is there something else I should know?” Ueda asks, turning in the door and fixing Johnny with a look.
“Not really,” Johnny replies, and even Koki doesn’t believe him.
*
“So where are we going?” Koki asks excitedly.
“To see a show,” Ueda says and barges into the dressing room where he left the Tardis.
“Kamenashi, I need you to drive me somewhere,” he says, interrupting the meeting.
“And why would I do that?” Kame crosses his arms.
“I’ll give you a ride any time,” Junno snickers at Ueda.
“Taguchi, we have a meeting,” Kame shuts him up. “Now you leave.”
“Come on, you little turtle. Or are you so famous you can’t show your face in public anymore? What about a little make-over?” Ueda circles Kame.
“Kamenashi-kun, famous?” Nakamaru asks a little baffled.
Ueda looks around the room carefully, eyeing the papers on the table with possible group names and idol profiles and events planned. “You’re a manager now,” he muses. “I never saw that coming.”
“And you call yourself a Time Lord,” Kame says back.
“Well, you can tell me all about it while we head over there. Who else wants to see the girls perform?” Ueda asks the room at large and pulls out a poster he picked up in Johnny’s office, listing the times of regular AKB48 shows in their theatre.
“I always knew you were a leg-man,” Koki laughs.
“And I’m definitely not missing this one,” Junno adds and pulls Nakamaru up. “You should come too. It will be good practice, exposing you to some girl-power.”
Kame glares. “You’re lucky our new sponsor sells big cars,” is all he says.
*
“Well, if they turn out to be anything more than a bunch of girls prancing around in some very . . . thoughtful outfits, at least it will be kind of a show to fight them.” Koki says as they eye another big poster in front of the AKB Theater.
“Like you could hit a girl,” Ueda tells him.
Koki’s eyes grow wide, and he blushes.
“You know, this is not how I planned their first Friday scandal,” Kame hisses, pointing to Junno and Nakamaru taking a picture of themselves in front of the entrance. He then ducks his head and disappears inside.
“How do you know him?” Koki asks, pulling Nakamaru and Juno inside after Ueda.
“It’s a long story. I met him shortly before you joined me,” Ueda says, fingering the black silky boa hanging from the ceiling. “So Junno, what is this girl-power you were talking about?” he asks.
As on cue, they hear a roar, and music starts playing so loudly it vibrates the walls. Someone is singing, and there’s more roaring and cheering.
“You’ll know once you see it,” Junno says, snatching another boa from the wall and wrapping it around his neck. “Let the show begin,” he says and swings the door open.
There are men and more men with posters and small penlights in stands, chanting and shouting names while girls on stage sing, forming strange dance formations. The music is loud and very much not to Ueda’s taste. No stockings though, he notes. Definitely no stockings or leggings on this stage.
Nakamaru shrinks back towards the door immediately, Junno is already copying the dance moves and Koki is smiling like a fool, bobbing his head like if he’s listening to some masterpiece. Kame has his hands deep in his pockets, glaring at the stage.
“And this is what I’m against,” he says. “Vixens, nothing but a bunch of bloody vixens.”
“Not affected then.” Ueda looks his way.
“This really isn’t my cup of tea,” Kame tells him, looking him right in the eyes. Ueda tilts his head and stares right back. Kame eventually turns away and looks back at Yuichi. “At least I’m not alone,” he adds, when he sees him creeping out of the room.
“Stay here,” Ueda says to Koki and Junno-not that he needs to-and pulls Kame and Nakamaru around the back of the audience, finding another door.
“Let’s look around,” he says before he opens them. They find racks and racks of clothes, all short skirts or tight pants and high heels. Nakamaru picks up something spongy and round then drops it like he got burnt when he realizes it’s a breast fill. Kame just rolls his eyes at the hair extensions.
“So cheap,” he adds. “No class at all.”
There’s a roar from the main room and big applause.
“Seems like they don’t need it,” Ueda notes. “Let’s get out of here.”
They meet Junno and Koki outside the theatre. They both look a bit dazed, but they’re already putting together a song about the beauties of the team B that performed today. Koki’s got a whole rap ready in no time.
“Don’t even think about it,” Ueda tells Kame when he notices him eye Koki up and down.
Kame only pulls out his recorder.
Ueda ruffles his own hair. “I’m missing something. Tell me what I’m missing. Kamenashi, why is it that Johnny wants them gone again?”
“Because their sales are higher than Arashi and SMAP combined, and even their subunits beat us in rankings. At this rate, those two will never debut because there won’t be a week-long slot to push them in,” he says, outraged.
“Juri, is that you?” Koki suddenly shouts at the boy coming from around a corner, looking lost. Ueda has no time to stop him.
The boy looks at Koki in confusion.
“It’s you,” Koki shouts and runs to hug his brother. “How are you? Man you’ve grown,” Koki takes him by his shoulder, realizing this is 2012 and the last time Ueda took him back home they managed to hit the early 2008 time slot.
“What are you doing here?” Juri asks. “What am I doing here?” he asks a minute later.
*
“You what?!” Koki shouts as they sip on hot tea. Tea is good in crisis.
“I joined Johnny’s like you had wanted before you left. And now I’m going to be in a drama,” Juri says proudly.
“What drama?”
“Just a school drama, me and some other juniors will play delinquents, and the girls from AKB48 will play spoiled chicks. They’re searching for the Yankumi of the show now.”
“So Juri, what were you doing in Akihabara?” Ueda interrupts the catching up.
“I’m not sure. We had a production meeting, then the girls said we should go eat ice cream together to get to know each other, and then you found me.”
“Ice cream?” Ueda asks.
“You’re focusing on completely the wrong thing,” Kame says. “With the AKB48 members? Are you even allowed to do that?”
“How was the ice cream?” Ueda interrupts yet again, looking the younger Tanaka into his eyes.
“It was . . .” Juri stops, eyes growing big. “I don’t remember having any.”
“Koki, you take him home,” Ueda says. “I need to think.” He gets up and leaves.
“Where’s he going?” Nakamaru asks.
“To eat some octopus,” Koki and Kame say almost at the same time.
“Does he hope to grow a few more heads from that?” Junno asks. Koki kicks him under the table on instinct. Nakamaru laughs.
Kame looks at them in interest. “So, you wanted to be a Johnny’s once,” he says slowly.
*
Ueda finds Koki siting on the stairs of his house, beer in hand.
“Hey,” he murmurs, sitting next to him. “How are they?”
“They’re good,” Koki says slowly. “They grew so much since I last saw them. And mom. She’s . . . not getting younger.”
“You miss them,” Ueda sighs.
“I want to protect them. Juri is such a good kid. He doesn’t even remember what he did this afternoon, and I just want to punch someone’s face. I would even punch one of those pretty girls. I mean, okay I wouldn’t, but maybe I’d steal all their eyeliner.”
Ueda laughs.
“And Johnny Kitagawa. He didn’t tell us anything about the drama. If he thinks they are dangerous, why is he putting boys in a drama with them?”
“Ah, you know the man’s reputation. If you can’t beat them, join them. He’d rather shake hands with the devil than admit being defeated by it.”
Koki stands up. “Let’s go. Let’s find out what they are. I can’t just sit here.”
Ueda stands too then his cellphone beeps. “It’s Kame,” he says. “Want something more to drink before we go slay the dragon?”
*
They find Kame, Junno and Nakamaru in a dark bar, drinking beer and arguing about what products they should endorse to best support their image.
“What do you do?” Koki asks as he slides down next to Nakamaru.
Nakamaru starts beatboxing right away, and Koki’s jaw drops. Then he tries out his rap from earlier that day, and the whole pub turns to them at the mention of the AKB girls.
“Wow”, Junno says. “You’re really good.”
“I don’t think that’s it.” Ueda mutters.
“Hey,” Koki pouts at him.
“No, I mean. All you need to do is mention their name, and people go into frenzy.”
“The balance is off,” Kame mutters.
“Explain,” Ueda says sharply.
“Well, they are taking over an entire Tokyo, they have sister projects in Osaka and even other Asian countries. They’re everywhere. You heard them sing. I can do better than that. What the hell, you can do better than that. Yet, everyone’s at their feet.”
Ueda looks around the table. “I think it’s time to meet the man behind the curtain.” he says darkly.
A few minutes later, Ueda-as the only completely sober one-is driving the packed Solio, Kame clutching to the door, swearing that Ueda should just stick to driving blue boxes.
“It’s called Tardis. And she’s sexy.” Ueda says.
“He isn’t really any better with her though,” Koki says from where he’s squished between Nakamaru and Junno in the back.
*
They’re back in AKB48 Theatre, but all the costumes and props hanging from the walls look much darker, almost ghostly at night, in the low light of two flashlights.
“You always carry that around?” Koki asks as Junno pulls his out.
“I’m always ready,” Junno smiles at him. “What about you?”
“I’ve learned to be,” Koki hisses back. Ueda opens yet another back door and they all follow. Suddenly, all of the hair on the back of Koki’s neck is standing up, and he feels movement from behind. He turns but sees nothing.
“Ueda,” he tries to call out. There’s no response, and he can still feel something there, behind the racks. Before he knows it, he’s throwing the clothes on the ground. There’s a curtain and the opening leading to a tunnel, and he steps in, forgetting to call the others.
Murmurs are everywhere, and it’s hot and completely dark here, his flashlight going off. He can see the torches burning further down the path.
“You will be admired. Everyone will serve you. Just like these boys,” someone is saying in a low voice, and Koki’s running now.
There’s no time to dwell on a cave in the middle of Tokyo. There are girls swirling around a man, listening to his sweet promises and laughing in joy when he shows them how big Earth is, how many men they could have practically “worshipping the ground they walk on”. Koki can recognize some of the performers from the theatre. Only their bodies seems strangely distorted, all their curves and angles much more prominent, a caricature of a human being.
Then a boy passes him by mere few inches, and he’s crazed and pale and focused only on the girl calling out to him. There’s more of them, teenagers or older men, and suddenly Koki sees Juri in the mists of them. How the hell did he get here from his bed at home?
“Who do you think you are?” Koki finds himself shouting. He starts blinking hard as the creatures around him pull at him from inside. He tries to focus only on his brother, who’s dotingly looking at one particular girl and literally falling to his knees in front of her when she tells him too.
“Leave him alone,” Koki screams, trying to get to Juri. But there’s a barrage of girls between them the next moment, and the old man is laughing.
“You have a new pet, girls,” he says.
And damn it, because Koki still can’t hit a girl even if it’s a strange one- one that isn’t from this planet-because he never could and if traveling with Ueda has taught him anything, it is that all the creatures deserve the same respect.
He closes his eyes, tries to focus. “Please,” he’s saying as his mind become blurry, the need to serve, to please them, pushing everything else away. “Juri, I will protect you.”
*
“Ueda, Koki’s missing,” Nakamaru approaches him.
Ueda paces the room, up and down, unable to put two and two together. “They’re not hurting anyone. Having big sales isn’t a threat. Well, not really. What do they want? Who are they?”
“Ueda, Koki is missing,” Kame shouts, and Ueda stops.
“Since when?”
“I think I last saw him when we compared our tools,” Junno says helpfully, pointing one room back.
Ueda’s already running.
*
They find the tunnel rather quickly now there are clothes flung on the ground all around it. Ueda speeds up the moment he feels the heat.
Bloody vixens he hears Kame saying in his mind. He’s reminded why he thought Kame would be a good companion yet again. If they didn’t bite each other’s head off, that is. But he also thought Kame was a born idol, not a neurotic manager.
Koki’s sitting on a chair, tied up, while there seems to be some kind of janken tournament going on in the center of the room.
“If he’s the main prize, I’d play too,” Junno says from next to Ueda, and Ueda can see it clearly now. The girl that loses lets out a dissatisfied cry and fire comes out of her mouth.
“How did you know it?” Ueda asks Kame.
“Know what?” Kame hisses back, eyes trained on the boys serving the girls. “There’s at least ten our juniors here. I heard some of them went missing. Look, that’s Tanaka’s brother.”
Ueda winces because now it’s clear why Koki’s ended up being tied up to a chair and a main prize in some bizarre competition. The funny thing is, if he was conscious and in his right mind, he’d probably like it a lot.
“How do we get him out of there?” Nakamaru asks.
“Well, Ueda’s always made a really pretty woman,” Kame says simply, already pulling them back into the dressing room.
“You just really wanted to do this,” Ueda grumbles as Kame picks a suitable outfit for him and starts applying the eyeliner.
“Doesn’t change the fact you’re a pretty girl,” Kame says back.
“So am I your style then?” Ueda asks, and Junno laughs.
“Well, you definitely have class.” It’s Nakamaru who chips in now.
Ueda eyes himself in the mirror.
“Say Kame. Is Nishikido still around?”
Junno and Nakamaru both perk up. “You know Nishikido-kun too?”
“I’m confiscating all your phones after this is over,” is all that Ueda says as he moves towards the cave again, wobbling on high heels.
They watch as he mingles in with the girls.
“He’s the only one normal looking,” Nakamaru whispers nervously.
“The prettiest girl in the room,” Junno adds.
Kame just hushes them. Somehow Ueda makes it into the podium and wins his round of janken despite looking like he has no clue how the game’s supposed to go.
“Now, is he mine?” he asks hopefully, but another girl steps up.
“No,” she roars, and before Ueda can stick his hand out to janken, his wig is burning.
“You are so lucky this is not my hair,” Ueda throws a fit.
“He never focuses on the right thing,” Kame grumbles.
The girls start to close up on him.
“Right, plan B. Yuichi, you grab Koki. Junno you take his brother and any junior you can manage to find on the way. I’m going to enjoy the cat fight.”
Kame springs forward. This is his specialty. Junno and Nakamaru know. This is why they’re debuting despite the old age and many younger guys breathing down their necks.
“Ueda!” Kame shouts and throws him a hair spray. “Let’s get out of here.”
Ueda raises his hands above his head. “I just want you to leave this planet alone. I don’t know how you came here, but I can help you go home,” he says. “I’m the Doctor. I can help.” Now it’s his pretty boa that is on fire, and Ueda decides they can talk a different time. He uncaps the hairspray, and then it’s all around him, fires starting when the damn thing meets with Vixens’ own flames.
Kame’s next to him then, and they are running as fast as they can, helping Junno and Nakamaru pull the unwilling boys and Koki’s body with them.
The last time they look back, the tunnel is filled with smoke and fire.
Outside, the boys slowly start to return to their senses, and Junno and Nakamaru help usher them to their trains home. Kame drops Koki and his brother home, both of them shaky and pale.
Ueda needs to see his Tardis, and Kame decides he might as well spend the rest of the night in the office since he has to be there in few hours anyway.
*
“I didn’t even know you could get drunk,” Kame slurs, leaning against the outside of the blue police box. That thing is bigger on the inside, and it still makes him nervous.
“I can do anything,” Ueda muses.
“Like see fairies,” Kame giggles.
“Or punch your lights out,” Ueda continues, only hitting Kame into a shoulder playfully.
“But you can’t keep your companions for too long,” Kame says in the end, completely serious.
“Koki’s been with me for a long time.” Ueda says. “Well, at least in human terms.”
“It’s time to let him go,” Kame finishes.
“You only say that because you want your new group to be a trio. Just join them yourself.” Ueda frowns. “Why are you a manager again? I remember leaving you on this office’s doorsteps with stars in your eyes as you promised me you’d be the next KimuTaku.”
Kame shrugs. “You have your secrets, I have mine.”
“Fair enough.”
“So what are you going to do about those . . .” Kame can’t find a proper word anymore.
“Vixens, Kame. They’re actual, real and true vixens. Isn’t that amazing?” Ueda suddenly finds it funny, and he giggles. “Wine really is no good for me. I don’t even like wine.”
“Only you can be so giddy about girls breathing fire being Japan’s top seller,” Kame slides down and curls on the floor, ready to go to sleep. “You’d make a great manager.”
*
“So,” Ueda says cheerfully, and Kame winces.
At least this time Nakamaru’s driving. It means they’re moving like snails, but Kame can see the charm of that too with his stomach doing summersaults on every street corner.
“We’re going to send those lovely ladies home. No one gets hurt, Johnny gets to top the sales charts again, you guys get to debut, everyone gets to live. Happy ending right out of a fairytale.”
“Until the Koreans send their next act over,” Nakamaru mutters.
“Right, but I checked some time ago, and those are one hundred percent human. I know, it’s surprising, but I can’t help you there.”
“So, what is the plan again?” Junno asks as they get out of the car.
“Well,” Ueda stares into the space until Koki waves a hand in front of him to wake him up.
“There’s no plan,” Koki explains. “Not yet. But we’re making sure they won’t ever touch my family again.” he adds menacingly.
“Right. I know you can’t hit a girl, but if it’s really necessary, pull at their hair. Just like in kindergarten. They’ll think you like them. And be strong, you don’t want to end up circling around them like the moons around Jupiter.” Ueda says, clapping his hands in excitement.
“I still can’t believe I missed you dressing up like a chick,” Koki sulks as they move backstage.
It’s too early in the morning, and there’s no sign of anyone around. When they creep back, the tunnel smells of burnt sequins and latex.
The box ring like stage is still in place, and Ueda heads right for it.
“So what I think happened is that their planet had too many vixens and not enough other species to admire them anymore. So they were searching for new places to expand. I think this is a teleport, but it’s clearly broken. If I can only get it to work, we could get them out of here, and I already found a planet where they could move to. I think if there’s no one there to ship them, they could actually evolve and like each other, respect and admire their own selves, and it would work perfectly. Evolution happens everywhere in space.” Ueda’s almost out of breath at the end of his speech.
“That sounds like a new Lesbos to me,” Junno says, looking around the room.
“It sounds like it could never work. What will prevent them from coming back or finding another poor planet with plenty of males to occupy?” Nakamaru asks.
“I will,” Ueda says, determined. “I’m the Doctor.”
“Doctor Who?” Nakamaru asks, and Koki pats him soothingly. “I tried that. Just accept it.”
“Ah,” Ueda says victoriously. Then the button in the center of the stage explodes. “Or not,” he mutters.
“I don’t know how you could have survived centuries with how bad you are with electronics,” Koki coughs out of the cloud of smoke.
When the room clears, there are at least a dozen of girls around them, stepping closer and closer. Even in their caricature form, they’re small and almost cute. Until they breathe fire, that is.
“Sembatsu formation,” Kame warns.
“Keep them back,” Ueda shouts. “No hair spray this time. Remember what I said, pull at their hair!”
“How on earth am I supposed to get that close?” Nakamaru shrinks back.
“Right,” Ueda lifts his hands up. “We surrender. I’m the Doctor, and I’m here to help, not fight.”
The girls stop, and a man appears in front of Ueda.
“We don’t need your help,” he says, and Ueda realizes he’s an interface, the one thing that keeps them united. So much for Johnny’s next top lyricist.
“You can’t occupy this planet. It belongs to humans.”
“Humans will be ours,” the interface says, then blinks out for a second. “Get them!” it says before it completely disappears.
“Right,” Ueda sighs. “The hair, pull at the hair,” he shouts. “You can do it, bring them as close to the podium as you can.”
“We’re not in grade school,” Koki shouts.
“I was never good at this,” Nakamaru cringes, jumping up and sighing when he sees a burnt spot where he was just seconds ago.
At least Kame has two ponytails in each hand, spinning four of the vixens around and laughing manically. “You have split ends. Which idol has split ends?” he’s asking them.
“That’s the spirit. You’re doing great,” Ueda shouts.
“Ueda, just blow them all up, will you?” Koki shouts at him.
“Come on, come on,” Ueda says and looks up. “Oh, aren’t you all gorgeous,” he says, looking down at far more than forty eight girls. “I’m sorry girls, but these boys are mine.”
There’s a big uproar and fire everywhere.
“Not the right thing to say,” Kame points out.
“I’ll be yours anytime,” Junno is saying to one of the girls.
“I can see why you want him debuted,” Ueda shouts over at Kame.
“Ueda, if you don’t do something now, I swear to god I will use the hairspray I always bring with me and blow us all up.”
Ueda blinks then points his screwdriver at the button in the center.
“Are you ready to die for the future of this planet?” he asks.
“He’s lying,” Koki says when suddenly Nakamaru’s clinging to him. “He just likes to be theatrical like that.” Then there’s another explosion, and all five of them are thrown off the stage. When they open their eyes, the room is empty.
“Where did they go?” Nakamaru asks. Ueda looks sadly at the big boxing ring.
“Boxing will never feel the same,” he mutters.
“No, really, where are they?” Koki asks, crawling next to Ueda.
“I don’t think they made it into their destination. They resisted too much. They broke the teleport before they could get there.” Ueda says weakly.
“The Void,” Koki mutters and slings an arm around Ueda’s shoulders. “You wanted to help. At least they’re not there alone,”
“Everyone’s alone in the Void,” Ueda whispers.
“Let’s get out of here,” Kame eventually mutters. “And clean up the best you can. If you get dirt on my car seats, you’re dead meat.”
*
Ueda still insists on trying to go and see if some of the vixens survived somewhere between Earth and their intended new home.
“You just want to see those glorious rows of legs again,” Koki teases him.
But there’s no one left, and Ueda returns, managing to miss the original departure day only by like a week. He lands in the middle of the dressing room and interrupts an impromptu free style session. He gets Koki’s rap and Nakamaru’s beatboxing, but has no clue what Kame was doing when he thought Junno’s step dancing will be a good asset for him.
“You’re back!” Koki says, giving Ueda a bear hug. “Listen to this,” he goes on and makes the other two start the song again. From the other side of the room, Kame catches his eye and gives him a small nod.
*
Koki takes Ueda back to his house for a big dinner. Ueda’s head spins from so many Tanaka’s, but Koki is boisterous and loud all night long, proudly showing off how much everyone’s grown in the past years. After the dinner, they sit on the steps with beer in hands.
“So, when are we leaving?” Koki asks, looking up into the stars.
Ueda stays silent, humming a song that Koki recognizes as one of his own creations.
“You know, maybe Johnny is right. You would be a great idol. You could take a break from all that time traveling and stay here for a while. We could form a band.”
“We?” Ueda asks, half laughing, half serious.
“You, me, Nakamaru and Taguchi. He’s lame but it’s somehow charming. Kame too, you said he used to be an idol,” Koki sounds almost excited.
“We would kill each other before the debut announcement,” Ueda predicts.
“The tough guy act could totally become a marketing strategy. Imagine it, first rockfish Johnny’s group. It would totally work.”
“We would never dance in sync.” Ueda says seriously. “And Kame would drive me up the wall.”
“You really can’t dance,” Koki laughs. “I’m sure you’d still have some fangirls,” he adds reassuringly.
“I’d be the most popular among you all,” Ueda says confidently.
“You’re actually thinking about it,” Koki gives him a big smile.
“No. Actually, I’m really not,” Ueda says, completely serious again. “But I think it’s time for you to come back home for good,” he adds.
Koki looks back up in the stars, says nothing for a long time. “The Tardis and all the things we do together, it’s like this completely different world where nothing is impossible. I felt close to invincible even if you constantly blew us up. It was almost easy to forget time still passes down here.”
“I’m not sure I can take you back into 2008. This all happened already,” Ueda says seriously.
“Part of me still wants to be invincible,” Koki mutters.
“You know where your heart is. We both know it.”
“Is this really it? Our last adventure will go down in the history as the one where we destroyed Johnny’s biggest competition?” Koki asks, incredulously.
“Hey, I say it’s one hell of an audition for you.”
They both laugh, and Koki clinks his bottle with Ueda’s. “To vixens and Koreans,” he says. Ueda gulps down his beer all in once.
“I’ll miss you,” he says in the end.
“I already do,” Koki sighs.
*
Ueda lingers a few more days, making sure all the vixens are really gone from other cities and neighboring countries as well. When he comes back to Tokyo, he finds a pale Kame pacing the dressing room and biting his nails.
“I helped you save the world this time, now you save my ass,” Kame says before Ueda even manages to get out of the door fully.
“What is it?” Ueda looks around for an alien or two.
“Akanishi. He got married. And he’s going to be a father. Make it go away. This is the first day of our big promotion campaign, and it’s going all down the drain because of him. I’m begging you. Go back-three months will be enough-and abduct him or stuff his pockets with functioning condoms, I don’t care, just make this go away,” Kame’s basically shaking him now.
Ueda only manages to peal him off when his group comes back from a break.
“What’s going on?” Nakamaru asks, soothingly rubbing Kame’s back.
“Jin, you, do it!” Kame gets out.
“I can’t,” Ueda says nonchalantly. “Time can be changed, but some points in time are fixed. They always happen. This is one of them,” he says and smirks. “I’m sure universe knows why it’s important Akanishi got hitched.”
*
“NTT,” Ueda laughs again, seeing the T embroiled on Koki’s chest. He’s pretty sure it’s Koki’s own work.
“I thought it was fitting, given the explosive circumstances of our meeting,” Koki grins.
He bumps knuckles with Ueda and heads for the studio door. He turns in the doorway one last time. “Good luck, and come for a beer sometimes,” he says.
“Hey, save the tears for after you debut,” Ueda calls after him, and Koki sticks his tongue out at him.
“Don’t be so full of yourself, Doctor!” Koki says back, and shuts the door behind himself. Before Ueda can as much as bat an eyelash, Koki’s back in the door. “Thank you for bringing me home.” Then he’s really gone.
“So,” Kame turns to Ueda. “Where are you off to now?”
“Oh I don’t know. Maybe I could go see my fairies. It’s therapeutic. Take them for a trip.”
Kame rolls his eyes.
“Or I could take you. I could show you all of time and space. What do you say?”
Kame laughs. “Ueda, that’s such a cheesy pick up line.”
“Well, it always works,” Ueda furrows his eyebrows.
“Not on me,” Kame sing songs. “Plus I have a band to manage.”
Ueda looks him into the eyes. “You’re right. We’d have a cake fight within a week, and then you’d spend a light year cleaning the Tardis after it.”
Kame laughs, head thrown back. “Clearly, I’m doing us both a favor.”
Ueda stands next to him, and they watch NTT sing their first song. “Take care of him,” Ueda mutters as the last chorus comes on. “I swear with music taste like that, he’ll need it.”
“You take care too. Don’t crash the blue box where we can’t find you.” Kame says, eyes still glued to the screen.
The sound of Tardis leaving fits nicely into the song arrangements. Maybe the next song could be space themed. Anything to have an excuse to auto tune Junno, really.
end
A/N: I feel like I should point out I actually like some girls from AKB48 and I just needed an antagonist and a plot device, that's all. And that I still can't believe I ACTUALLY wrote this. And that it was supposed to be KoTatsu. Kame just kind of happened. /fail
comments? edits?
Pairings/Characters: KAT-TUN gen
Rating: PG-13 for some things blowing up
Warnings: This is a Doctor Who AU, so it uses a little of its jargon and patterns.
Summary: When AKB48 threatens to completely overthrow JE’s reign, Johnny calls the only person that can save the day.
Notes: Set in present-day Japan, where JE as we know it exists, with the exception of KAT-TUN. I'm not half as awesome as the Doctor Who writers, so I'm sorry for not-crazy-enough explanations and possible logic flaws.
Written for yararanger as a part of fic_the_faith 2012. Originally posted here. 6296 words.
Thanks to maiamcw for the beta.
When the songs and fire meet
Vixens rise
When the songs and fire meet
In Doctor’s eyes
A goodbye lies
Where the songs and fire meet
“So Ueda, where are we going next?” Koki asks, holding onto the railing and watching Ueda push the buttons and pull on several levers in his usual ritual. Even after several years of traveling together, Koki still feels like Ueda has no clue about what he’s doing.
“I told you not to call me that. I’m the Doctor,” Ueda says, pushing another button, and the Tardis shakes them violently.
“But that’s just too weird. It’s like we’re in a really bad cosplay.” Koki makes a face.
The phone rings then.
“Pick that up for me, will you?” Ueda asks Koki, then turns his attention back to his space ship. “Come on, sexy. Don’t be naughty.”
“Some guy wants to talk to you,” Koki calls. “Some Johnny.”
“Johnny who?”
“The Johnny?” Koki repeats what the person on the phone just said.
Ueda looks pensive for a moment, then Koki jumps and almost falls down the stairs when the Tardis jerks as if to remind them that Ueda’s not paying attention to it.
“It’s the guy who gave you the nickname. Must be! No one else calls you Ueda!” Koki shouts, and Ueda takes the phone receiver swinging freely on the cord and bumping into equipment.
“Johnny-san,” he mutters, and he looks like he just ate something very sour. “I’m not coming to Japan and joining your newest idol act. You’ve kept asking every year for the past two decades, and I keep telling you I’m not interested.”
“Ueda-kun,” Johnny cackles over the phone. “You’re gorgeous. I really think you should reconsider. With you, we would be invincible. But my yearly offer isn’t on the schedule for the next two months. This is a desperate call for help. We’ve been under a heavy attack, and I fear invasion,” Johnny sounds almost scared. “Please come.”
“It’s not a trap?” Ueda asks.
“No, it’s not. You have my word,” Johnny assures him.
“No hoards of Juniors chasing me across Tokyo because you promised them to debut with me if they catch me?” Ueda ask skeptically.
Johnny laughs. “That was so nineties. No one will touch you. Unless you want them to, of course.”
“What year do you have now?” Ueda asks after a moment of silence.
“It’s January 2012. Please try to get the right time frame,” Johnny says and hangs up.
“I really should just change my number,” Ueda mutters.
“I think that’s as impossible as you having a phone here,” Koki says, then slings his arm around Ueda.
“Are we going to Tokyo?” he asks.
Ueda nods and pushes the closest button to him.
“We’re going home,” Koki says in excitement, and Ueda startles a bit. In the next moment, he runs off to the other side of the main control room, getting ready for the landing.
*
When Koki opens the door and bursts out, he ends up toppling over some tall bony guy.
“Excuse me,” the man splutters, and Koki rolls away from him.
“That’s what I call smooth landing,” another tall man says from above, leaning down to examine Koki. His smile is too wide.
Someone opens the door, and Koki is momentarily distracted by a man in a slick suit that eyes him wearily.
“Taguchi, there’s a big blue box in the middle of our meeting room. Is this a new game console?”
Ueda saunters out the door that moment, snapping his fingers to shut them.
“Kamenashi-kun. Still in denial then, I see.” he says and observes the room. “And these are?”
“Taguchi Junosuke,” the tall and smiling one replies.
“Nakamaru Yuichi,” the tall one on the floor says, and he looks exactly how a person should look like after experiencing the Tardis landing in his personal space, confused and bewildered. At least something is right.
Kamenashi looks at his watch then survey the room again.
“I guess we’re moving this meeting elsewhere,” he says, clearly addressing the two men still surrounding Koki.
“There’s no reason to feel strange,” Ueda waves him off. “I’m just visiting your boss. I’ll find my way.”
Koki finally takes Junno’s hand and stands up, then hauls the other guy up. “I’m Tanaka Koki,” he quickly bows his head and follows Ueda out the door.
*
“Do you want some tea?” Johnny asks from deep in his chair. Ueda shakes his head, sitting at the edge of the table.
“I do,” Koki says, and Johnny’s gaze shifts to him.
“A new friend of yours?” he asks. “Japanese, I see. You have good taste, Ueda-kun,” he continues.
“Actually, we’ve met,” Koki says, but Johnny does not seem to pay attention.
“What can you do, boy? Can you dance? What about cart wheels?”
Koki looks a little confused. Then he looks around again and gasps. “You’re Johnny Kitagawa. How did I not notice the last time?”
“Oh boy, I don’t even remember seeing you,” Johnny says, then looks at Ueda again.
“I’m really glad you came,” he says. “I need you to ship AKB48 back to wherever they came from. Just spare their manager. He seems to have potential in writing bubble gum pop. I could use him.”
“What’s AKB48?” Ueda asks.
“More like who,” Koki says, eyes fixed on a magazine in front of him. “And just how many of them are there?”
“Well, definitely more than forty eight,” Johnny says desperately. “Isn’t that alone suspicious? It’s like they breed them somewhere deep in Akihabara,” he goes on while Ueda points a sonic screwdriver at the magazine in Koki’s hand.
“It’s just a picture,” Koki mutters, now excitedly flopping through the many pictures with girls on girls in frilly school uniforms.
“One picture is worth a thousand words,” Ueda murmurs, and heads out of the office.
Koki follows, keeping the magazine.
“Is there something else I should know?” Ueda asks, turning in the door and fixing Johnny with a look.
“Not really,” Johnny replies, and even Koki doesn’t believe him.
*
“So where are we going?” Koki asks excitedly.
“To see a show,” Ueda says and barges into the dressing room where he left the Tardis.
“Kamenashi, I need you to drive me somewhere,” he says, interrupting the meeting.
“And why would I do that?” Kame crosses his arms.
“I’ll give you a ride any time,” Junno snickers at Ueda.
“Taguchi, we have a meeting,” Kame shuts him up. “Now you leave.”
“Come on, you little turtle. Or are you so famous you can’t show your face in public anymore? What about a little make-over?” Ueda circles Kame.
“Kamenashi-kun, famous?” Nakamaru asks a little baffled.
Ueda looks around the room carefully, eyeing the papers on the table with possible group names and idol profiles and events planned. “You’re a manager now,” he muses. “I never saw that coming.”
“And you call yourself a Time Lord,” Kame says back.
“Well, you can tell me all about it while we head over there. Who else wants to see the girls perform?” Ueda asks the room at large and pulls out a poster he picked up in Johnny’s office, listing the times of regular AKB48 shows in their theatre.
“I always knew you were a leg-man,” Koki laughs.
“And I’m definitely not missing this one,” Junno adds and pulls Nakamaru up. “You should come too. It will be good practice, exposing you to some girl-power.”
Kame glares. “You’re lucky our new sponsor sells big cars,” is all he says.
*
“Well, if they turn out to be anything more than a bunch of girls prancing around in some very . . . thoughtful outfits, at least it will be kind of a show to fight them.” Koki says as they eye another big poster in front of the AKB Theater.
“Like you could hit a girl,” Ueda tells him.
Koki’s eyes grow wide, and he blushes.
“You know, this is not how I planned their first Friday scandal,” Kame hisses, pointing to Junno and Nakamaru taking a picture of themselves in front of the entrance. He then ducks his head and disappears inside.
“How do you know him?” Koki asks, pulling Nakamaru and Juno inside after Ueda.
“It’s a long story. I met him shortly before you joined me,” Ueda says, fingering the black silky boa hanging from the ceiling. “So Junno, what is this girl-power you were talking about?” he asks.
As on cue, they hear a roar, and music starts playing so loudly it vibrates the walls. Someone is singing, and there’s more roaring and cheering.
“You’ll know once you see it,” Junno says, snatching another boa from the wall and wrapping it around his neck. “Let the show begin,” he says and swings the door open.
There are men and more men with posters and small penlights in stands, chanting and shouting names while girls on stage sing, forming strange dance formations. The music is loud and very much not to Ueda’s taste. No stockings though, he notes. Definitely no stockings or leggings on this stage.
Nakamaru shrinks back towards the door immediately, Junno is already copying the dance moves and Koki is smiling like a fool, bobbing his head like if he’s listening to some masterpiece. Kame has his hands deep in his pockets, glaring at the stage.
“And this is what I’m against,” he says. “Vixens, nothing but a bunch of bloody vixens.”
“Not affected then.” Ueda looks his way.
“This really isn’t my cup of tea,” Kame tells him, looking him right in the eyes. Ueda tilts his head and stares right back. Kame eventually turns away and looks back at Yuichi. “At least I’m not alone,” he adds, when he sees him creeping out of the room.
“Stay here,” Ueda says to Koki and Junno-not that he needs to-and pulls Kame and Nakamaru around the back of the audience, finding another door.
“Let’s look around,” he says before he opens them. They find racks and racks of clothes, all short skirts or tight pants and high heels. Nakamaru picks up something spongy and round then drops it like he got burnt when he realizes it’s a breast fill. Kame just rolls his eyes at the hair extensions.
“So cheap,” he adds. “No class at all.”
There’s a roar from the main room and big applause.
“Seems like they don’t need it,” Ueda notes. “Let’s get out of here.”
They meet Junno and Koki outside the theatre. They both look a bit dazed, but they’re already putting together a song about the beauties of the team B that performed today. Koki’s got a whole rap ready in no time.
“Don’t even think about it,” Ueda tells Kame when he notices him eye Koki up and down.
Kame only pulls out his recorder.
Ueda ruffles his own hair. “I’m missing something. Tell me what I’m missing. Kamenashi, why is it that Johnny wants them gone again?”
“Because their sales are higher than Arashi and SMAP combined, and even their subunits beat us in rankings. At this rate, those two will never debut because there won’t be a week-long slot to push them in,” he says, outraged.
“Juri, is that you?” Koki suddenly shouts at the boy coming from around a corner, looking lost. Ueda has no time to stop him.
The boy looks at Koki in confusion.
“It’s you,” Koki shouts and runs to hug his brother. “How are you? Man you’ve grown,” Koki takes him by his shoulder, realizing this is 2012 and the last time Ueda took him back home they managed to hit the early 2008 time slot.
“What are you doing here?” Juri asks. “What am I doing here?” he asks a minute later.
*
“You what?!” Koki shouts as they sip on hot tea. Tea is good in crisis.
“I joined Johnny’s like you had wanted before you left. And now I’m going to be in a drama,” Juri says proudly.
“What drama?”
“Just a school drama, me and some other juniors will play delinquents, and the girls from AKB48 will play spoiled chicks. They’re searching for the Yankumi of the show now.”
“So Juri, what were you doing in Akihabara?” Ueda interrupts the catching up.
“I’m not sure. We had a production meeting, then the girls said we should go eat ice cream together to get to know each other, and then you found me.”
“Ice cream?” Ueda asks.
“You’re focusing on completely the wrong thing,” Kame says. “With the AKB48 members? Are you even allowed to do that?”
“How was the ice cream?” Ueda interrupts yet again, looking the younger Tanaka into his eyes.
“It was . . .” Juri stops, eyes growing big. “I don’t remember having any.”
“Koki, you take him home,” Ueda says. “I need to think.” He gets up and leaves.
“Where’s he going?” Nakamaru asks.
“To eat some octopus,” Koki and Kame say almost at the same time.
“Does he hope to grow a few more heads from that?” Junno asks. Koki kicks him under the table on instinct. Nakamaru laughs.
Kame looks at them in interest. “So, you wanted to be a Johnny’s once,” he says slowly.
*
Ueda finds Koki siting on the stairs of his house, beer in hand.
“Hey,” he murmurs, sitting next to him. “How are they?”
“They’re good,” Koki says slowly. “They grew so much since I last saw them. And mom. She’s . . . not getting younger.”
“You miss them,” Ueda sighs.
“I want to protect them. Juri is such a good kid. He doesn’t even remember what he did this afternoon, and I just want to punch someone’s face. I would even punch one of those pretty girls. I mean, okay I wouldn’t, but maybe I’d steal all their eyeliner.”
Ueda laughs.
“And Johnny Kitagawa. He didn’t tell us anything about the drama. If he thinks they are dangerous, why is he putting boys in a drama with them?”
“Ah, you know the man’s reputation. If you can’t beat them, join them. He’d rather shake hands with the devil than admit being defeated by it.”
Koki stands up. “Let’s go. Let’s find out what they are. I can’t just sit here.”
Ueda stands too then his cellphone beeps. “It’s Kame,” he says. “Want something more to drink before we go slay the dragon?”
*
They find Kame, Junno and Nakamaru in a dark bar, drinking beer and arguing about what products they should endorse to best support their image.
“What do you do?” Koki asks as he slides down next to Nakamaru.
Nakamaru starts beatboxing right away, and Koki’s jaw drops. Then he tries out his rap from earlier that day, and the whole pub turns to them at the mention of the AKB girls.
“Wow”, Junno says. “You’re really good.”
“I don’t think that’s it.” Ueda mutters.
“Hey,” Koki pouts at him.
“No, I mean. All you need to do is mention their name, and people go into frenzy.”
“The balance is off,” Kame mutters.
“Explain,” Ueda says sharply.
“Well, they are taking over an entire Tokyo, they have sister projects in Osaka and even other Asian countries. They’re everywhere. You heard them sing. I can do better than that. What the hell, you can do better than that. Yet, everyone’s at their feet.”
Ueda looks around the table. “I think it’s time to meet the man behind the curtain.” he says darkly.
A few minutes later, Ueda-as the only completely sober one-is driving the packed Solio, Kame clutching to the door, swearing that Ueda should just stick to driving blue boxes.
“It’s called Tardis. And she’s sexy.” Ueda says.
“He isn’t really any better with her though,” Koki says from where he’s squished between Nakamaru and Junno in the back.
*
They’re back in AKB48 Theatre, but all the costumes and props hanging from the walls look much darker, almost ghostly at night, in the low light of two flashlights.
“You always carry that around?” Koki asks as Junno pulls his out.
“I’m always ready,” Junno smiles at him. “What about you?”
“I’ve learned to be,” Koki hisses back. Ueda opens yet another back door and they all follow. Suddenly, all of the hair on the back of Koki’s neck is standing up, and he feels movement from behind. He turns but sees nothing.
“Ueda,” he tries to call out. There’s no response, and he can still feel something there, behind the racks. Before he knows it, he’s throwing the clothes on the ground. There’s a curtain and the opening leading to a tunnel, and he steps in, forgetting to call the others.
Murmurs are everywhere, and it’s hot and completely dark here, his flashlight going off. He can see the torches burning further down the path.
“You will be admired. Everyone will serve you. Just like these boys,” someone is saying in a low voice, and Koki’s running now.
There’s no time to dwell on a cave in the middle of Tokyo. There are girls swirling around a man, listening to his sweet promises and laughing in joy when he shows them how big Earth is, how many men they could have practically “worshipping the ground they walk on”. Koki can recognize some of the performers from the theatre. Only their bodies seems strangely distorted, all their curves and angles much more prominent, a caricature of a human being.
Then a boy passes him by mere few inches, and he’s crazed and pale and focused only on the girl calling out to him. There’s more of them, teenagers or older men, and suddenly Koki sees Juri in the mists of them. How the hell did he get here from his bed at home?
“Who do you think you are?” Koki finds himself shouting. He starts blinking hard as the creatures around him pull at him from inside. He tries to focus only on his brother, who’s dotingly looking at one particular girl and literally falling to his knees in front of her when she tells him too.
“Leave him alone,” Koki screams, trying to get to Juri. But there’s a barrage of girls between them the next moment, and the old man is laughing.
“You have a new pet, girls,” he says.
And damn it, because Koki still can’t hit a girl even if it’s a strange one- one that isn’t from this planet-because he never could and if traveling with Ueda has taught him anything, it is that all the creatures deserve the same respect.
He closes his eyes, tries to focus. “Please,” he’s saying as his mind become blurry, the need to serve, to please them, pushing everything else away. “Juri, I will protect you.”
*
“Ueda, Koki’s missing,” Nakamaru approaches him.
Ueda paces the room, up and down, unable to put two and two together. “They’re not hurting anyone. Having big sales isn’t a threat. Well, not really. What do they want? Who are they?”
“Ueda, Koki is missing,” Kame shouts, and Ueda stops.
“Since when?”
“I think I last saw him when we compared our tools,” Junno says helpfully, pointing one room back.
Ueda’s already running.
*
They find the tunnel rather quickly now there are clothes flung on the ground all around it. Ueda speeds up the moment he feels the heat.
Bloody vixens he hears Kame saying in his mind. He’s reminded why he thought Kame would be a good companion yet again. If they didn’t bite each other’s head off, that is. But he also thought Kame was a born idol, not a neurotic manager.
Koki’s sitting on a chair, tied up, while there seems to be some kind of janken tournament going on in the center of the room.
“If he’s the main prize, I’d play too,” Junno says from next to Ueda, and Ueda can see it clearly now. The girl that loses lets out a dissatisfied cry and fire comes out of her mouth.
“How did you know it?” Ueda asks Kame.
“Know what?” Kame hisses back, eyes trained on the boys serving the girls. “There’s at least ten our juniors here. I heard some of them went missing. Look, that’s Tanaka’s brother.”
Ueda winces because now it’s clear why Koki’s ended up being tied up to a chair and a main prize in some bizarre competition. The funny thing is, if he was conscious and in his right mind, he’d probably like it a lot.
“How do we get him out of there?” Nakamaru asks.
“Well, Ueda’s always made a really pretty woman,” Kame says simply, already pulling them back into the dressing room.
“You just really wanted to do this,” Ueda grumbles as Kame picks a suitable outfit for him and starts applying the eyeliner.
“Doesn’t change the fact you’re a pretty girl,” Kame says back.
“So am I your style then?” Ueda asks, and Junno laughs.
“Well, you definitely have class.” It’s Nakamaru who chips in now.
Ueda eyes himself in the mirror.
“Say Kame. Is Nishikido still around?”
Junno and Nakamaru both perk up. “You know Nishikido-kun too?”
“I’m confiscating all your phones after this is over,” is all that Ueda says as he moves towards the cave again, wobbling on high heels.
They watch as he mingles in with the girls.
“He’s the only one normal looking,” Nakamaru whispers nervously.
“The prettiest girl in the room,” Junno adds.
Kame just hushes them. Somehow Ueda makes it into the podium and wins his round of janken despite looking like he has no clue how the game’s supposed to go.
“Now, is he mine?” he asks hopefully, but another girl steps up.
“No,” she roars, and before Ueda can stick his hand out to janken, his wig is burning.
“You are so lucky this is not my hair,” Ueda throws a fit.
“He never focuses on the right thing,” Kame grumbles.
The girls start to close up on him.
“Right, plan B. Yuichi, you grab Koki. Junno you take his brother and any junior you can manage to find on the way. I’m going to enjoy the cat fight.”
Kame springs forward. This is his specialty. Junno and Nakamaru know. This is why they’re debuting despite the old age and many younger guys breathing down their necks.
“Ueda!” Kame shouts and throws him a hair spray. “Let’s get out of here.”
Ueda raises his hands above his head. “I just want you to leave this planet alone. I don’t know how you came here, but I can help you go home,” he says. “I’m the Doctor. I can help.” Now it’s his pretty boa that is on fire, and Ueda decides they can talk a different time. He uncaps the hairspray, and then it’s all around him, fires starting when the damn thing meets with Vixens’ own flames.
Kame’s next to him then, and they are running as fast as they can, helping Junno and Nakamaru pull the unwilling boys and Koki’s body with them.
The last time they look back, the tunnel is filled with smoke and fire.
Outside, the boys slowly start to return to their senses, and Junno and Nakamaru help usher them to their trains home. Kame drops Koki and his brother home, both of them shaky and pale.
Ueda needs to see his Tardis, and Kame decides he might as well spend the rest of the night in the office since he has to be there in few hours anyway.
*
“I didn’t even know you could get drunk,” Kame slurs, leaning against the outside of the blue police box. That thing is bigger on the inside, and it still makes him nervous.
“I can do anything,” Ueda muses.
“Like see fairies,” Kame giggles.
“Or punch your lights out,” Ueda continues, only hitting Kame into a shoulder playfully.
“But you can’t keep your companions for too long,” Kame says in the end, completely serious.
“Koki’s been with me for a long time.” Ueda says. “Well, at least in human terms.”
“It’s time to let him go,” Kame finishes.
“You only say that because you want your new group to be a trio. Just join them yourself.” Ueda frowns. “Why are you a manager again? I remember leaving you on this office’s doorsteps with stars in your eyes as you promised me you’d be the next KimuTaku.”
Kame shrugs. “You have your secrets, I have mine.”
“Fair enough.”
“So what are you going to do about those . . .” Kame can’t find a proper word anymore.
“Vixens, Kame. They’re actual, real and true vixens. Isn’t that amazing?” Ueda suddenly finds it funny, and he giggles. “Wine really is no good for me. I don’t even like wine.”
“Only you can be so giddy about girls breathing fire being Japan’s top seller,” Kame slides down and curls on the floor, ready to go to sleep. “You’d make a great manager.”
*
“So,” Ueda says cheerfully, and Kame winces.
At least this time Nakamaru’s driving. It means they’re moving like snails, but Kame can see the charm of that too with his stomach doing summersaults on every street corner.
“We’re going to send those lovely ladies home. No one gets hurt, Johnny gets to top the sales charts again, you guys get to debut, everyone gets to live. Happy ending right out of a fairytale.”
“Until the Koreans send their next act over,” Nakamaru mutters.
“Right, but I checked some time ago, and those are one hundred percent human. I know, it’s surprising, but I can’t help you there.”
“So, what is the plan again?” Junno asks as they get out of the car.
“Well,” Ueda stares into the space until Koki waves a hand in front of him to wake him up.
“There’s no plan,” Koki explains. “Not yet. But we’re making sure they won’t ever touch my family again.” he adds menacingly.
“Right. I know you can’t hit a girl, but if it’s really necessary, pull at their hair. Just like in kindergarten. They’ll think you like them. And be strong, you don’t want to end up circling around them like the moons around Jupiter.” Ueda says, clapping his hands in excitement.
“I still can’t believe I missed you dressing up like a chick,” Koki sulks as they move backstage.
It’s too early in the morning, and there’s no sign of anyone around. When they creep back, the tunnel smells of burnt sequins and latex.
The box ring like stage is still in place, and Ueda heads right for it.
“So what I think happened is that their planet had too many vixens and not enough other species to admire them anymore. So they were searching for new places to expand. I think this is a teleport, but it’s clearly broken. If I can only get it to work, we could get them out of here, and I already found a planet where they could move to. I think if there’s no one there to ship them, they could actually evolve and like each other, respect and admire their own selves, and it would work perfectly. Evolution happens everywhere in space.” Ueda’s almost out of breath at the end of his speech.
“That sounds like a new Lesbos to me,” Junno says, looking around the room.
“It sounds like it could never work. What will prevent them from coming back or finding another poor planet with plenty of males to occupy?” Nakamaru asks.
“I will,” Ueda says, determined. “I’m the Doctor.”
“Doctor Who?” Nakamaru asks, and Koki pats him soothingly. “I tried that. Just accept it.”
“Ah,” Ueda says victoriously. Then the button in the center of the stage explodes. “Or not,” he mutters.
“I don’t know how you could have survived centuries with how bad you are with electronics,” Koki coughs out of the cloud of smoke.
When the room clears, there are at least a dozen of girls around them, stepping closer and closer. Even in their caricature form, they’re small and almost cute. Until they breathe fire, that is.
“Sembatsu formation,” Kame warns.
“Keep them back,” Ueda shouts. “No hair spray this time. Remember what I said, pull at their hair!”
“How on earth am I supposed to get that close?” Nakamaru shrinks back.
“Right,” Ueda lifts his hands up. “We surrender. I’m the Doctor, and I’m here to help, not fight.”
The girls stop, and a man appears in front of Ueda.
“We don’t need your help,” he says, and Ueda realizes he’s an interface, the one thing that keeps them united. So much for Johnny’s next top lyricist.
“You can’t occupy this planet. It belongs to humans.”
“Humans will be ours,” the interface says, then blinks out for a second. “Get them!” it says before it completely disappears.
“Right,” Ueda sighs. “The hair, pull at the hair,” he shouts. “You can do it, bring them as close to the podium as you can.”
“We’re not in grade school,” Koki shouts.
“I was never good at this,” Nakamaru cringes, jumping up and sighing when he sees a burnt spot where he was just seconds ago.
At least Kame has two ponytails in each hand, spinning four of the vixens around and laughing manically. “You have split ends. Which idol has split ends?” he’s asking them.
“That’s the spirit. You’re doing great,” Ueda shouts.
“Ueda, just blow them all up, will you?” Koki shouts at him.
“Come on, come on,” Ueda says and looks up. “Oh, aren’t you all gorgeous,” he says, looking down at far more than forty eight girls. “I’m sorry girls, but these boys are mine.”
There’s a big uproar and fire everywhere.
“Not the right thing to say,” Kame points out.
“I’ll be yours anytime,” Junno is saying to one of the girls.
“I can see why you want him debuted,” Ueda shouts over at Kame.
“Ueda, if you don’t do something now, I swear to god I will use the hairspray I always bring with me and blow us all up.”
Ueda blinks then points his screwdriver at the button in the center.
“Are you ready to die for the future of this planet?” he asks.
“He’s lying,” Koki says when suddenly Nakamaru’s clinging to him. “He just likes to be theatrical like that.” Then there’s another explosion, and all five of them are thrown off the stage. When they open their eyes, the room is empty.
“Where did they go?” Nakamaru asks. Ueda looks sadly at the big boxing ring.
“Boxing will never feel the same,” he mutters.
“No, really, where are they?” Koki asks, crawling next to Ueda.
“I don’t think they made it into their destination. They resisted too much. They broke the teleport before they could get there.” Ueda says weakly.
“The Void,” Koki mutters and slings an arm around Ueda’s shoulders. “You wanted to help. At least they’re not there alone,”
“Everyone’s alone in the Void,” Ueda whispers.
“Let’s get out of here,” Kame eventually mutters. “And clean up the best you can. If you get dirt on my car seats, you’re dead meat.”
*
Ueda still insists on trying to go and see if some of the vixens survived somewhere between Earth and their intended new home.
“You just want to see those glorious rows of legs again,” Koki teases him.
But there’s no one left, and Ueda returns, managing to miss the original departure day only by like a week. He lands in the middle of the dressing room and interrupts an impromptu free style session. He gets Koki’s rap and Nakamaru’s beatboxing, but has no clue what Kame was doing when he thought Junno’s step dancing will be a good asset for him.
“You’re back!” Koki says, giving Ueda a bear hug. “Listen to this,” he goes on and makes the other two start the song again. From the other side of the room, Kame catches his eye and gives him a small nod.
*
Koki takes Ueda back to his house for a big dinner. Ueda’s head spins from so many Tanaka’s, but Koki is boisterous and loud all night long, proudly showing off how much everyone’s grown in the past years. After the dinner, they sit on the steps with beer in hands.
“So, when are we leaving?” Koki asks, looking up into the stars.
Ueda stays silent, humming a song that Koki recognizes as one of his own creations.
“You know, maybe Johnny is right. You would be a great idol. You could take a break from all that time traveling and stay here for a while. We could form a band.”
“We?” Ueda asks, half laughing, half serious.
“You, me, Nakamaru and Taguchi. He’s lame but it’s somehow charming. Kame too, you said he used to be an idol,” Koki sounds almost excited.
“We would kill each other before the debut announcement,” Ueda predicts.
“The tough guy act could totally become a marketing strategy. Imagine it, first rockfish Johnny’s group. It would totally work.”
“We would never dance in sync.” Ueda says seriously. “And Kame would drive me up the wall.”
“You really can’t dance,” Koki laughs. “I’m sure you’d still have some fangirls,” he adds reassuringly.
“I’d be the most popular among you all,” Ueda says confidently.
“You’re actually thinking about it,” Koki gives him a big smile.
“No. Actually, I’m really not,” Ueda says, completely serious again. “But I think it’s time for you to come back home for good,” he adds.
Koki looks back up in the stars, says nothing for a long time. “The Tardis and all the things we do together, it’s like this completely different world where nothing is impossible. I felt close to invincible even if you constantly blew us up. It was almost easy to forget time still passes down here.”
“I’m not sure I can take you back into 2008. This all happened already,” Ueda says seriously.
“Part of me still wants to be invincible,” Koki mutters.
“You know where your heart is. We both know it.”
“Is this really it? Our last adventure will go down in the history as the one where we destroyed Johnny’s biggest competition?” Koki asks, incredulously.
“Hey, I say it’s one hell of an audition for you.”
They both laugh, and Koki clinks his bottle with Ueda’s. “To vixens and Koreans,” he says. Ueda gulps down his beer all in once.
“I’ll miss you,” he says in the end.
“I already do,” Koki sighs.
*
Ueda lingers a few more days, making sure all the vixens are really gone from other cities and neighboring countries as well. When he comes back to Tokyo, he finds a pale Kame pacing the dressing room and biting his nails.
“I helped you save the world this time, now you save my ass,” Kame says before Ueda even manages to get out of the door fully.
“What is it?” Ueda looks around for an alien or two.
“Akanishi. He got married. And he’s going to be a father. Make it go away. This is the first day of our big promotion campaign, and it’s going all down the drain because of him. I’m begging you. Go back-three months will be enough-and abduct him or stuff his pockets with functioning condoms, I don’t care, just make this go away,” Kame’s basically shaking him now.
Ueda only manages to peal him off when his group comes back from a break.
“What’s going on?” Nakamaru asks, soothingly rubbing Kame’s back.
“Jin, you, do it!” Kame gets out.
“I can’t,” Ueda says nonchalantly. “Time can be changed, but some points in time are fixed. They always happen. This is one of them,” he says and smirks. “I’m sure universe knows why it’s important Akanishi got hitched.”
*
“NTT,” Ueda laughs again, seeing the T embroiled on Koki’s chest. He’s pretty sure it’s Koki’s own work.
“I thought it was fitting, given the explosive circumstances of our meeting,” Koki grins.
He bumps knuckles with Ueda and heads for the studio door. He turns in the doorway one last time. “Good luck, and come for a beer sometimes,” he says.
“Hey, save the tears for after you debut,” Ueda calls after him, and Koki sticks his tongue out at him.
“Don’t be so full of yourself, Doctor!” Koki says back, and shuts the door behind himself. Before Ueda can as much as bat an eyelash, Koki’s back in the door. “Thank you for bringing me home.” Then he’s really gone.
“So,” Kame turns to Ueda. “Where are you off to now?”
“Oh I don’t know. Maybe I could go see my fairies. It’s therapeutic. Take them for a trip.”
Kame rolls his eyes.
“Or I could take you. I could show you all of time and space. What do you say?”
Kame laughs. “Ueda, that’s such a cheesy pick up line.”
“Well, it always works,” Ueda furrows his eyebrows.
“Not on me,” Kame sing songs. “Plus I have a band to manage.”
Ueda looks him into the eyes. “You’re right. We’d have a cake fight within a week, and then you’d spend a light year cleaning the Tardis after it.”
Kame laughs, head thrown back. “Clearly, I’m doing us both a favor.”
Ueda stands next to him, and they watch NTT sing their first song. “Take care of him,” Ueda mutters as the last chorus comes on. “I swear with music taste like that, he’ll need it.”
“You take care too. Don’t crash the blue box where we can’t find you.” Kame says, eyes still glued to the screen.
The sound of Tardis leaving fits nicely into the song arrangements. Maybe the next song could be space themed. Anything to have an excuse to auto tune Junno, really.
end
A/N: I feel like I should point out I actually like some girls from AKB48 and I just needed an antagonist and a plot device, that's all. And that I still can't believe I ACTUALLY wrote this. And that it was supposed to be KoTatsu. Kame just kind of happened. /fail
comments? edits?