One-shot: Caught in a moment (Stay tuned)
Title: Caught in a moment (Stay tuned)
Pairing: Nakamaru, Ueda
Rating: NC 17
Warnings: long introspective, too much thinking, and well . . . sex
Summary: "The morning is like a slap in Nakamaru's face. His own untouched bed, blurry from the distance, is an alarm that goes off in his head the moment he sees it. All he can do is run, panicked and scared of all the feelings boiling underneath his skin."
Notes: 6280 words, written for snowaltz as a part of help_japan at last! I would also like to list this and this translation of R-One KAT-TUN happenings. Dear snowaltz, there is a huge, inappropriate A/N at the end of this, but I really hope this finds you well on your Saturday morning. ♥
Thanks to ryogrande for beta.
It is Ueda who reaches over, but in the morning it is Nakamaru who feels guilty and runs away. Even if it only means packing his things and leaving their hotel room before Ueda wakes up.
They were born only a few months apart. One could say they are basically the same age, still Nakamaru thinks of Ueda as the younger, the more innocent one, someone still a little lost and confused. What right does Nakamaru have to spoil it all because of his own desires, because of his own feelings? He should have managed them better. He should be the one protecting Ueda, taking care of him, making sure he grows up right and that he doesn't get hurt.
But all that guilt kicks in only in the morning.
The evening before, they had been loose and tired after the concert, something that was almost unthinkable for other un-debuted JE juniors. Nakamaru just didn't have the strength to hold back, to push Ueda away when he squeezed his shoulders and didn't let go. The night was full of fumbling touches, hesitant caresses and sloppy kisses. In the end, maybe they were both too confused and too young to do more than just touch and fumble with each other, and eventually pull each other off while their foreheads were pressed together.
The morning is like a slap in Nakamaru's face. His own untouched bed, blurry from the distance, is an alarm that goes off in his head the moment he sees it. All he can do is run, panicked and scared of all the feelings boiling underneath his skin. So he scrapes out of the bed and out of the room and hides under his baseball cap when Ueda finally comes down to the lobby, looking nonchalant and cool like he always tries to, bowing his head to greet their manager before climbing all the way to the back of the van and sleeping though the ride back to Tokyo.
Ueda never mentions that night again, acts like it never happened. After they are back in Tokyo, he smiles at Nakamaru almost the same, still offers to drive him to work and is as excited as a best friend could be when they find out they'll be hosting their very own radio show right after their debut. Picture perfect of how it should be because their friendship is too valuable to be destroyed.
Just like that, Nakamaru is the one whose heart gets broken. It had shattered the moment Ueda curtly nodded at him that morning and gave him a lopsided smile without a blush, without any sign of change in his demeanor, while Nakamaru's insides were twisted and knotted and trembling from all the what ifs.
In the long run, it turns out to be the worst of Nakamaru's heartbreaks, aching for so long and leaving a bitter aftertaste. The one that fuels a few songs and helps in a few of the interviews. In a strange sense of detachment over the years, it is filed into the back of Nakamaru's mind as an experience, painful but still useful, something that is a source of knowledge. It feels almost impersonal, like the person behind that heartbreak isn't still close by, isn't still an important friend and someone whom Nakamaru meets all the time. Almost like it wasn't Ueda and Nakamaru to whom it had happened.
*
Nakamaru was never to find out that Ueda had been awake before him that morning. He had been up for almost an hour, but he’d stayed in bed, breathing slowly against Nakamaru's back and waiting for Nakamaru to wake up. He’d chosen to stay then, but he’d also chosen to accept Nakamaru's flight. Because Nakamaru was important enough for Ueda to respect his decision. Later Ueda tells himself that he hadn’t gone after Nakamaru because he is lazy and doesn't really like working hard for things. They always work themselves out the way they should. He certainly hadn’t been scared.
*
It's not like Nakamaru is hung up on the past or anything. He barely thinks of his old love these days. Ever since then, he’d tried his best to straighten himself up in so many senses. He's been dating people-mostly girls, he makes sure to have fun, and he enjoys his life. Sitting home and brooding isn't what one should be doing. So what if enjoying life for him means being boring as some claim, being like an old man? He likes that he gets to study and watch soccer at night and read the books he wants and travel a lot. Many laugh and tease. Ueda does too, but he also tells Nakamaru he is responsible and that someone has to be. So Nakamaru takes him on trips as a reward. Or just because they're still good friends, feel good in each other's company, and Ueda doesn't care about what Nakamaru does and if it is lame or not. As long as he feels good with Nakamaru, he hangs out with him.
Nakamaru has watched Ueda grow, find himself, become beautiful and willful and completely himself. He wonders how Ueda turned into this cutely selfish, confident young man, when he found his own world that involves boxing buddies and friends Nakamaru knows nothing about, when he became this interested in girls and when he completely dropped his serious face. He saw it happen, but now it feels surreal, and Nakamaru can't pinpoint the exact moment, the moment Ueda had become who he is now.
Sometimes it feels like Ueda is completely different than he used to be. He is definitely different than his image; he likes solo work, trolls KAT-TUN interviews, teases Nakamaru and does as he pleases. But he is still as beautiful as when they were barely adults, he still likes the same music and composes heartfelt ballads, and Nakamaru has caught him wrapped in his long sweater staring at the stars from the small terrace or some other place a couple times on tour. When they are together, he switches between two modes, one-excited and full of energy, talking about girls, boxing and silly things, and the other-quiet, thoughtful, wrapped in a mystery he used to fabricate on purpose, a dreamer whom Nakamaru can't touch.
It feels like Nakamaru can't touch either of Ueda's sides. That despite them hanging out together, talking more between themselves than with the rest of KAT-TUN and knowing more about each other, they have become more of acquaintances than close friends. Mostly Nakamaru doesn't mind. But then he does because he catches himself wondering where the real Ueda went. Or which Ueda is real. Or whether what Ueda is showing him is true or false. If he keeps up his facade or shows Nakamaru who he really is. When he keeps his game face and when it is really him. Nakamaru realizes he is upset with himself because he doesn't know.
In reality, one day Nakamaru realizes he is thinking about Ueda a bit too much.
He really wishes he could just stop. That just like with so many things, he could just let be, let it flow. But he and Ueda meet every week in a recording studio, and it is this barely an hour of time they spend together that makes Nakamaru think about it more than anything else. When alone or when in group, there are patterns they fall into, dynamics they follow. When on screen or in concert, there is a scenario to follow, the roles they play. On radio, no one can see them. There should still be roles and patterns, but what comes first is the need to fill in an hour, to react instantly, to make the show interesting, to draw in the listeners, to work with each other so that the flow is good. They banter three times more on air than in private, really.
There is just a general outline of what they are going to talk about, but the whole show is more ad-libbing than anything else. Listeners are crazy, the radio staff even more, and Ueda has been so set to make this work from the very beginning that he seems to let go completely, managing to shock Nakamaru every other episode.
In the beginning, it had been easier to read Ueda. He would look at Nakamaru, and his eyes would sparkle like back in the times when his biggest joy was Gackt's new single or a line of accessories resembling Gackt's going on sale. Nakamaru could brace himself against Ueda's next attack then, against the teasing he knew would come. When Ueda looked sideways behind the glass panel where the staff sat, Nakamaru would know he is going to the extreme. When he would give Nakamaru one long, searching look, Nakamaru knew he was thinking really hard and he needed to talk more. But then one day Ueda came into the studio with thick sunglasses that covered half of his face. With this disguise, most of Nakamaru's advantage disappeared. The show got juicy, Ueda got even more playful and Nakamaru got so much to think about, his head would spin.
“You know I liked you better when you had eyes, not big black goggles on top of your face,” Nakamaru says after three episodes of being frustrated and being caught off guard by Ueda's mischief one too many times.
Ueda looks a bit startled; they are usually so talked out after the recordings that they stay mostly silent as they pack up after the show is over. “But they are like deep black pools you could get lost in,” he says after a minute, hint of teasing in his voice.
Nakamaru just shakes his head. “It's unfair,” he mutters.
Ueda turns around and grins at him. “But it is much more fun,” he says and pats Nakamaru on the shoulder.
Nakamaru sighs and watches Ueda leave. The next day he texts Koki, wanting help in devising a plan to steal the glasses. Koki texts back, laughing at him and saying that he must listen to the show sometime soon. That and Ueda was faster, buying Koki over with a six-pack of beer and new sneakers, so that he would not interfere.
*
Ueda knows that Nakamaru relies on his reactions during R-One a lot. But it makes him conscious of them because this means that Nakamaru is watching him all the time, following his every expression and every change of mood. The day that Nakamaru adds Ueda's name into a lame (and very fitting) love confession, Ueda buys those sunglasses. Over the years, this same pair becomes his regular companion, effectively covering up anything Ueda's eyes can't hide.
*
It goes on for so many years that Nakamaru almost stops flinching as they discuss all aspects of their private lives late at night while people listen. Be it their mothers or sisters, their trips and sleeping arrangements, old times and their antics, driving to work together, Ueda's petty regrets from his all-boys’ school or Nakamaru's normality and dating preferences. It all becomes one big show that leaves them both numb after just an hour of talking and hiding from their listeners behind each other as much as from each other. Nakamaru still likes to analyze Ueda too much, but doesn't think it’s strange anymore, and Ueda remains the cool brat who hides behind his quick lies and deep laugh.
“Don't you ever feel like one day, there won't be anything else to talk about?” Koki once asks them over beers.
Nakamaru only shrugs.
“Junno can just pun the rest of the show then,” Ueda laughs and Koki grabs his shoulder and shakes him.
“That's what I dread the most,” he says, and Junno pats him on the head from his seat while Kame giggles silently into his beer as he watches them.
“You didn't answer,” Koki pouts and turns to Nakamaru again.
“We have corners; there's always something,” he says and before he can contribute more, Ueda is laughing again.
“If all else fails, Nakamaru will bore us all with his soccer talk, and I will annoy the hell out of him until he thinks of better topics to talk about,” he explains and winks at Nakamaru.
“What does that mean?” Nakamaru actually gets offended. Plus what is it with Ueda winking at him? He can't really wink anyway.
“Ueda-kun knows Nakamaru well,” Junno observes. “It would be enough for them to just bicker like this.”
“Soccer is not all I talk about,” Nakamaru mutters, and Kame just fills his glass with more beer. I'm not boring, Nakamaru wants to add. Ueda shrugs, and the talk turns elsewhere.
The hand on Nakamaru's shoulder startles him a little as he heads out of the bar that night.
“You are mad,” Ueda says as he falls into a light step next to him and Nakamaru notes that somehow Ueda is not drunk at all.
“Why would I be mad?” Nakamaru asks, irritated.
“I don't know. But you would not look at me all evening, and you stopped talking about our plans and what we should do. Kame had no partner in crime in making us slave for the new image of KAT-TUN.”
“What, does that bore you too?” Nakamaru asks, past caring whether he will argue with Ueda tonight or not. Ueda doesn't argue much anymore, not with him anyway, but it would be worth making him mad for once.
“Is this about me saying that you talking about soccer is boring? But you know I don't care about the game. I thought-”
“Don't. Don't think or assume. You don't know me that well.”
“Oh, so it's not about being boring,” Ueda stops, and Nakamaru does too even though he should just keep walking to make his point.
“What is wrong with knowing you?” Ueda asks quietly after a moment.
“You . . . don't know me that well. Not any better than I know you,” Nakamaru splutters and then starts walking again.
Ueda doesn't follow Nakamaru right away but catches up with him when he is climbing into a taxi he stopped.
“I don't feel like going home yet,” Ueda says, and Nakamaru stays silent until Ueda gives the driver Nakamaru's home address.
Nakamaru disappears into his bedroom when they get into his apartment and doesn't plan on coming out. He only does an hour later when he hears his TV making strange noises. He finds Ueda trying and failing to start some video game. He only joins him because he wants to show him how hopeless he is and to beat him just for the heck of it. Ueda doesn't seem to be bothered by this one loss. He slumps into Nakamaru's couch and heaves a long sigh.
“I like knowing things about you. Even those we don't mention on the radio. But I can stop if it bothers you,” he says quietly, and Nakamaru only gets angry again because it is so unexpected, and how dare Ueda say so when Nakamaru feels so shut out of Ueda's life? But he doesn't want to shut Ueda out.
Without an answer, Nakamaru stays silent until he hears light snoring and realizes Ueda has fallen asleep. He leaves him there and brings him a blanket.
“I just want to know you too,” he mutters in the end and goes to sleep.
*
Ueda gets up in the morning, folds the blanket and leaves before Nakamaru wakes up, not wanting to put him on spot. He doesn't know what yesterday meant and wishes he’d stayed up a little longer. Maybe Nakamaru would have eventually answered his question then. Maybe then, they could both move on a little.
*
The rumors during the next show get truly ridiculous. Nakamaru likes girls, okay. Most of the time anyway. But he is no crazy womanizer, and this is going from bad to worse. Then Ueda announces that Nakamaru doesn't go to go-kons at all. What does he know? The question bubbles inside Nakamaru. How can Ueda be so sure about him?
So he almost misses it. It is such a silly statement anyway. Ueda talking about how Nakamaru acts cool around other people, telling everyone that he calms down when Nakamaru is with him. When it registers, he startles a little. What on earth does that mean? And why does it seem to matter? For the rest of the episode he is slightly frazzled, keeping up on instinct, accusing Ueda of being too much into girls and not knowing whether he should deny or stress that he likes them too.
He slums face first into the table after the show ends and is startled when Ueda ruffles his hair a few moments later.
“That was fun,” he mutters. “Everyone wants to know Nakamaru-kun better.”
Nakamaru looks up. “So I hear.”
Ueda's hand freezes a little on his shoulder, but then he only rolls his eyes.
“It's not like this is the first time we had this section. You like this corner.”
“Uhm.” Nakamaru has no strength to argue, and he can't possibly explain why he is so confused and exhausted this time around. Not to Ueda anyway.
“Do you want to go out for a drink?” Ueda asks when Nakamaru finally starts picking up his things.
“No training tonight?” Nakamaru asks automatically, knowing Ueda usually heads for the gym after the recording.
“I thought I would skip it today,” Ueda mutters.
“There's no reason to,” Nakamaru says when he finds Ueda looking at him, sunglasses finally off, watching him pack from the doorway with an expression Nakamaru can't read even though it is not hidden.
Ueda turns on his heel and leaves.
*
“Naka-something or something. I am to tell you that Ueda doesn't like girls all that much,” Jin tells Nakamaru into the phone two days later.
“What?” Nakamaru doesn't get it.
“Well that is a lie, but pretend Ueda actually wanted me to pass the message on.” Jin laughs. “I'm hanging up now.”
Nakamaru calls Jin back a few hours later when it is a normal hour in Tokyo.
“Explain,” he says.
Jin yawns. “Do not want to,” he mutters.
“I will tell Kame you took his favorite scarf with you,” Nakamaru threatens.
“You selfish ass,” Jin whines.
“Well you shouldn't have asked me to help you steal it.”
Jin sighs. “I heard things. You are fighting with Ueda? And you think he likes girls too much. Are you stupid? Half of the nonsense he says about them is what I taught him. I'm pretty sure he was taking notes as I was giving him lessons on how to perv on girls. I always wanted to brag about what a great creation of mine he is in this area.”
Jin says it all quickly then yawns again. “Can I go back to sleep now?”
“Why are you even telling me this. It's not like I care.”
“I just felt like having a one to one confessional with you,” Jin grumbles.
Nakamaru hangs up.
*
“Jin is an idiot,” Ueda tells Nakamaru the next time they see each other. He doesn't know what Jin had told Nakamaru, mostly because Jin doesn't remember much either, having been half drunk and half asleep that night. But with the way Nakamaru is looking at him, Ueda wishes Jin was closer so that he could strangle him.
“Okay,” Nakamaru says slowly. “I didn't know you two talked much.”
“We don't really,” Ueda muses. “And you never asked.”
“Would you tell me? If I asked?”
“What is up with you these days? It's not like I'm hiding things from you.” Ueda sighs.
“Jin says otherwise,” Nakamaru mutters.
“Jin is an idiot,” Kame says from the doorway, and then strides into the dressing room. “And you two are acting strange.”
Ueda thinks the same, but he would never admit to knowing the reason why.
*
Everything adds up for Nakamaru after that, from the night in his apartment and Ueda's strange talk of knowing Nakamaru to Jin's random pieces of information and Ueda saying, ever so coolly, that Nakamaru calms him down. It all boils down to this mix of thought and dreams Nakamaru bubbles with. To the feelings that he slowly catches the edges off. His own feelings and hopes for the feelings Ueda might have. But maybe Nakamaru is just dreaming those up. Because slowly Ueda is crawling into his dreams too.
Nakamaru wants to talk things through with Ueda before he dips too deep into this reoccurring fantasy. He still remembers the pain of the last time when he had to give it up. These days he remembers much more vividly than he used to. But he doesn't really want to be alone with Ueda either. He doesn't know how he would even start. What he would say. How could he admit how much he has thought of the other? How could he admit how much he wants to know about him when he can't even define what it is he wants to know?
Then Jin calls him again.
“I'm drunk again,” he announces. “Kame says it's my fault you and Ueda are acting strange.”
“We are just fine,” Nakamaru answers, crossed.
“So I should fix it. Listen carefully,” Jin stammers, and Nakamaru considers hanging up on him again.
“Ueda is gay, well mostly,” Jin says. Nakamaru doesn't hang up after all.
“And you love him,” Jin says and chuckles. “You are pretty obvious too. Or I always thought so. But Ueda doesn't know, so maybe I am just that observant.”
“You are drunk and you went even more stupid from it,” Nakamaru manages to answer, taking deep breaths.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Jin laughs. “Have a nice day!”
Nakamaru doesn't have a nice day. He stumbles through it, like someone hit him in the head. Jin had-with a realization of something he wasn't ready to admit yet. But now it all lingers in the air around him, and he makes his manager reschedule his next few interviews, deciding to avoid Ueda until he sorts himself out again. Until he is able to file all this into the back of his head, devises a plan to destroy Akanishi Jin and moves on. For good.
*
Ueda decides to take his sunglasses off for the next R-One recording. But whatever he’d been hoping to achieve is halted when Nakamaru doesn't even spare him a glance, let alone look at him to search for Ueda's emotions or the next step how he usually does. He keeps his eyes on his papers, like the whole show is written in those few notes in front of him. It is possibly the most awkward show since they had started airing five years ago, and Ueda kicks Nakamaru underneath the table few minutes before it ends, feeling only a little sorry when he sees the tears of pain and restraint appearing in the corners of Nakamaru's eyes. At least he looks up, startled and accusing for a brief moment. Ueda tries to hold the eye contact, but Nakamaru only flinches and goes back to looking at the table.
Ueda doesn't say anything after the show, trying to think of a way out of this mess they seem to be in.
“Did you break your glasses? Or did you finally get tired of torturing me?” Nakamaru asks quietly when his things are packed, and Ueda knows he wants to fly right away. Nakamaru is good at running away from him after all. But Ueda has learned to recognize the signs over the years.
“Neither,” he says honestly and makes sure he and Nakamaru end up in the same taxi yet again.
*
“This is entirely too much effort,” Ueda says once they are in Nakamaru's apartment.
Nakamaru doesn't like to hear that. He makes sure he is looking at his feet, not at Ueda.
“I don't remember doing anything to bring the wrath and ignorance of Nakamaru on me,” Ueda continues into the silence, walking into the kitchen to get something to drink. “Please elaborate so we can move on,” he adds and still sounds so calm about it all.
“I can't.” Nakamaru wants to shout at the mention of ‘moving on’. “I can't . . .”
“Of course you can. You are going to sit down on your couch and tell me what is going on.” Ueda does not remember when he last used this tone. It feels like talking to Akanishi and Kamenashi back in days when he’d been the leader and those two were making silly pacts against him.
Nakamaru bites his lip. “Why even bother?” he mutters and watches in amazement as Ueda stomps towards him and his ears get red. He shakes Nakamaru, and okay so maybe Nakamaru deserves it. He gets that he hasn't been as composed lately, and isn't that why Ueda hangs around him?
“I can't act cool around you all the time,” Nakamaru says, and tries to pry Ueda's fingers off his arms. But Ueda just holds on, and it reminds Nakamaru of the night many years ago. It lasts only several heartbeats more before Ueda slides his hands down to Nakamaru's elbows and lets go, looking at him with dark eyes that glow with something sad.
“I'm just going to hang around for a while,” Ueda sighs in the end and slides open the door to the balcony. He sits there, on the cold tiles, knees to his chin, wrapped in his sweater and doesn't ask anymore. Nakamaru doesn't know what to do with him, but in that moment he looks somehow close, completely familiar and maybe completely himself. He is not leaving, not throwing tantrums or making fun, he just exists there-in Nakamaru's apartment, and Nakamaru realizes he is actually being persistent. Again. Again because he's been coming over more than ever in the past couple of weeks, not really asking much more past Nakamaru's company. Somehow Ueda is the one seeking it, not the other way around, and suddenly that is important. Suddenly it feels like this is patience and maybe a plea. Only Ueda never really talked about feelings outside of the songs. Not about his own anyway. Not about those he’d felt in the given moment. And ever since the night so long ago, Nakamaru had stopped asking about them like he used to, prying them slowly from under the cover of Ueda's defenses and principles.
They end up sitting there next to each other.
“I'm acting like a butt hurt teenager, aren't I?” Nakamaru asks.
Somehow, Ueda laughs into his knees. “Well who told you off then?” he asks hesitantly.
“You did,” Nakamaru risks it, “and we weren't teenagers but close enough,” he adds into the silence. It is kind of screaming at him, and it only stops when Ueda takes a sharp breath.
“Or maybe I should say I got ignored and that kind of . . . hurt,” Nakamaru mumbles. Ueda's hand shoots to Nakamaru's elbow and grips it. It seems they both know what they are talking about.
“Are you an idiot?” Ueda stands up abruptly. “Is that why you are mad? Because of what I didn't do, years ago? Now? You ran away!”
It's fascinating, the way Ueda goes from calm and melancholic to almost livid within seconds, pulling Nakamaru up as well and shaking him.
“You ran away. And you keep doing it, and now you get mad? Why? What? I . . .” Ueda stares at Nakamaru, breathing hard and biting his lip, probably trying not to say something like-
“You are an idiot,” and then he is shaking Nakamaru again.
He is still at it when Nakamaru reaches out for Ueda's collar and pulls him forwards, making them practically collide, painful and too fast. But he finds Ueda's lips, bitten and glistening with his rage, and Nakamaru kisses them hard. He sees that night years ago playing out in his head and has no answers for Ueda anyway. He knows just as well that this is crazy, and he has probably lost his mind somewhere along the way because he feels just as strongly as he did back then, wants Ueda just as much, only this time Ueda is strong enough, equal or maybe even more than that, someone who seems to have much more sanity and will than Nakamaru, someone who doesn't need protecting.
Ueda's hands move up this time, up around Nakamaru's shoulders, to the back of his neck and into his hair, and when he tilts his head and kisses Nakamaru back, that is when Nakamaru finally stops thinking.
“I should be so mad,” Ueda bites out into his hair when Nakamaru moves down his jaw and sucks at the vein pulsing so fast in the crook of Ueda's neck.
“Yeah.” Nakamaru grabs Ueda's sides and pulls him towards his bedroom.
They almost make it to the bed before Ueda stops again and pushes Nakamaru to an arm-length's distance.
Nakamaru opens his mouth to say something. Something about him being an idiot, maybe something about being in love, something about how little he understands, but nothing comes out as be barely manages to catch his breath.
“Slow down,” is all Ueda says after staring him down, his own chest heaving, hair already messy. Then his fingers are running down Nakamaru's front and sneaking underneath his shirt. He fumbles with the buttons and laughs nervously when his fingers get tangled in the fabric. Nakamaru pulls at the end of Ueda's sweater, brings him closer and pushes it off Ueda's shoulders, as clumsy as the other in the process. He shakes from anticipation, feeling like they are moving in slow motion, and it takes forever before Ueda's fingers are splayed against Nakamaru's stomach, and they are close enough to kiss again.
Minutes later they fall to bed, naked and flushed, lying on their sides, their forehands pressed together as Ueda runs a finger up Nakamaru's cock then closes his fist around the tip and drags his hand down. Nakamaru's tongue just about reaches Ueda's lips so he moves closer, hand sliding down Ueda's hip and onto his ass. Ueda's breath hitches, and Nakamaru pushes and pulls until they are aligned and Ueda has his fingers wrapped around both of them. His head is thrown back and his leg is thrown over Nakamaru's thigh. He is arching and making small sounds in the back of his throat, and Nakamaru is caught up in only watching as he slowly starts to tremble.
Then Ueda's body snaps into a beautiful curve and he falls backwards, automatically bringing Nakamaru half on top of himself, shuddering.
“Do you have anything?” he asks, his voice low and quiet. He looks into Nakamaru's eyes, without any shame, his face showing everything, and Nakamaru scrambles away from him to dig for a tube of lube.
When he turns back, Ueda shifts a bit and draws his legs to his chest silently. Nakamaru freezes, and Ueda has to reach for his hand, pulling him in between his legs.
“Don't back out now,” Ueda hisses, holding Nakamaru's wrist over his stomach. Nakamaru shakes his head sharply then looks down, willing himself not to tremble.
“I won't,” he whispers and leans down, his hand moving over Ueda's tense abdomen, lower and slower while he kisses Ueda's thigh. Ueda is watching him from beneath his damp fringe, tongue peaking out, and Nakamaru can't look away until Ueda's eyes roll into the back of his head when Nakamaru's palm drags down his cock. He slicks his fingers, slowly losing the resolve to go slow as Ueda shivers and groans. He sucks at the soft skin on his thigh and finally pushes a finger inside Ueda.
“Oh god, so hot,” he murmurs against the skin and Ueda moans.
“More,” he whispers and Nakamaru pushes another finger in right away, moving his wrist, stroking Ueda's on the inside until suddenly Ueda's hand shoots into Nakamaru's short hair, pulling.
Nakamaru is dragged up, and Ueda muffles his moans with his mouth, their kisses sloppy, but it is all they can manage as Nakamaru rubs more against the place he found then adds another finger and presses deeper and faster. Ueda dips his nails to his shoulder blades, his hips rocking against Nakamaru's hand.
“Fuck me,” he suddenly breathes against Nakamaru's lips, and Nakamaru pulls his fingers away so quickly that Ueda's next moan is laced with a hint of pain.
Then Nakamaru is pushing in, and Ueda is wrapping his legs around him and forcing him deeper. The tightness is still too much, and Nakamaru's back curls from the effort to stay still, his head hidden in the crook of Ueda's neck. They move at the same time; Nakamaru's hips snap to meet the roll of Ueda's own and they are rocking too fast from the start, making up for the slow build up, wrapped in each other, around each other, Nakamaru clinging embarrassingly to Ueda's sides.
Ueda may have asked Nakamaru to slow down, but now he is the one fuelling Nakamaru to move faster, to fuck him harder, and Nakamaru can only follow, pushing both of them closer and higher-too good and too fast. They are both getting frantic when Ueda's right hand moves from Nakamaru's back and covers Nakamaru's left hand on Ueda's hip. Nakamaru feels the pleasure in his every nerve, his skin burning anywhere it meets Ueda's. He is almost gone, when Ueda squeezes his hand.
“Please,” he breathes out, and his hand moves back to Nakamaru's back. Nakamaru slides his fingers across Ueda's stomach, and Ueda tightens around him even before he wraps them around his cock. Then he is throwing his head back, left hand pulling at Nakamaru's hair, the right one digging into his ass, and he is spilling over Nakamaru's fingers. Nakamaru comes right after. The orgasm wipes everything away, everything but the tangle of their limbs and their need for each other.
Nakamaru tries to move away, but Ueda only lets him reach for some tissues to clean them up. Then he is wrapping his arms around his waist, as they lie on their sides, their foreheads pressed together yet again, breaths mingling.
*
In the morning Ueda wakes up first. He decides to stay in bed, leaning his back against Nakamaru's and waiting. Then Nakamaru finally moves, sitting up abruptly, and Ueda feels him fidgeting on the bed. He feels it dip, and Nakamaru gets up but then sinks back into covers.
“If you walk out on me again, you are the biggest idiot ever,” Ueda mumbles, not turning around.
Nakamaru jumps up on the bed from surprise. Ueda bites his lip and grabs the corner of the sheet, crumpling it in his fist.
“I didn't want to . . . back then,” Nakamaru doesn't finish, not really.
“You ran away. But then I let you. I thought it was what you wanted,” Ueda admits. It is easier not to look at Nakamaru. He feels Nakamaru slide down and move closer.
Soon enough Nakamaru's chest is rising and falling against Ueda's back, and he closes his eyes. Ueda wonders why it took them years to have their awkward morning after. Then Nakamaru slides his foot down Ueda's calf, and Ueda thinks the only thing missing are cheesy love declarations.
“The past few years, I couldn't read you at all. That's why I was so mad at you,”
“You could have just asked. You used to do it all the time.” Ueda wriggles and tries to turn around.
“Stay still, will you? This is embarrassing enough as it is,” Nakamaru tells him and grips Ueda's hip to keep him in place.
“I really don't want to go back to that day anymore,” Nakamaru says after a moment. Then, “Tatsuya? Do you . . . do you love me?”
Ueda can barely hear him even though the words are whispered against his ear. His blood is pulsing in his temples, and Nakamaru's heart is beating erratically against his back. “Because I think I love you. Again or still and . . .”
“Yeah,” is all Ueda says. He manages to turn around in Nakamaru's arms this time.
Nakamaru is staring at him and his lower lip is trembling a little. So Ueda kisses him.
*
“You are wearing those stupid glasses again,” Nakamaru says bitterly when he meets Ueda before the next recording.
“That is not true,” Ueda says cheerfully, “These are new and have thicker glass. I picked them up thinking especially of you.” he says, flashing Nakamaru a smile.
“This is so unfair,” Nakamaru sighs.
“But it is much more fun,” Ueda replies.
He also gropes Nakamaru under the table the entire show. The next week they get to read a flood of letters about how sexy Nakamaru's voice got, and Ueda decides they will dedicate an entire show to just reading them.
end
Mataining Laptops
A/N: Dear snowaltz,I know I didn't really use your prompts to the fullest. I really wanted to write you something centered around R-One, if only because I am grateful for all the translation of them you did in the past. But I may have failed even that. You have every right to throw this back at me or something because I know it is more dramatic than usual, and I wonder if that is a good thing. But I was honored to be bid on by you and am thankful for the money this made for the good cause. I really hope you won't regret it.
And well since I didn't make it in time for Nakamaru's birthday, I am hoping this will reach you in perfect time for yours. Happy birthday, have a great day and lovely all next year (and many more) ♥ Lastly, thanks for waiting patiently for me.
♥
Pairing: Nakamaru, Ueda
Rating: NC 17
Warnings: long introspective, too much thinking, and well . . . sex
Summary: "The morning is like a slap in Nakamaru's face. His own untouched bed, blurry from the distance, is an alarm that goes off in his head the moment he sees it. All he can do is run, panicked and scared of all the feelings boiling underneath his skin."
Notes: 6280 words, written for snowaltz as a part of help_japan at last! I would also like to list this and this translation of R-One KAT-TUN happenings. Dear snowaltz, there is a huge, inappropriate A/N at the end of this, but I really hope this finds you well on your Saturday morning. ♥
Thanks to ryogrande for beta.
It is Ueda who reaches over, but in the morning it is Nakamaru who feels guilty and runs away. Even if it only means packing his things and leaving their hotel room before Ueda wakes up.
They were born only a few months apart. One could say they are basically the same age, still Nakamaru thinks of Ueda as the younger, the more innocent one, someone still a little lost and confused. What right does Nakamaru have to spoil it all because of his own desires, because of his own feelings? He should have managed them better. He should be the one protecting Ueda, taking care of him, making sure he grows up right and that he doesn't get hurt.
But all that guilt kicks in only in the morning.
The evening before, they had been loose and tired after the concert, something that was almost unthinkable for other un-debuted JE juniors. Nakamaru just didn't have the strength to hold back, to push Ueda away when he squeezed his shoulders and didn't let go. The night was full of fumbling touches, hesitant caresses and sloppy kisses. In the end, maybe they were both too confused and too young to do more than just touch and fumble with each other, and eventually pull each other off while their foreheads were pressed together.
The morning is like a slap in Nakamaru's face. His own untouched bed, blurry from the distance, is an alarm that goes off in his head the moment he sees it. All he can do is run, panicked and scared of all the feelings boiling underneath his skin. So he scrapes out of the bed and out of the room and hides under his baseball cap when Ueda finally comes down to the lobby, looking nonchalant and cool like he always tries to, bowing his head to greet their manager before climbing all the way to the back of the van and sleeping though the ride back to Tokyo.
Ueda never mentions that night again, acts like it never happened. After they are back in Tokyo, he smiles at Nakamaru almost the same, still offers to drive him to work and is as excited as a best friend could be when they find out they'll be hosting their very own radio show right after their debut. Picture perfect of how it should be because their friendship is too valuable to be destroyed.
Just like that, Nakamaru is the one whose heart gets broken. It had shattered the moment Ueda curtly nodded at him that morning and gave him a lopsided smile without a blush, without any sign of change in his demeanor, while Nakamaru's insides were twisted and knotted and trembling from all the what ifs.
In the long run, it turns out to be the worst of Nakamaru's heartbreaks, aching for so long and leaving a bitter aftertaste. The one that fuels a few songs and helps in a few of the interviews. In a strange sense of detachment over the years, it is filed into the back of Nakamaru's mind as an experience, painful but still useful, something that is a source of knowledge. It feels almost impersonal, like the person behind that heartbreak isn't still close by, isn't still an important friend and someone whom Nakamaru meets all the time. Almost like it wasn't Ueda and Nakamaru to whom it had happened.
*
Nakamaru was never to find out that Ueda had been awake before him that morning. He had been up for almost an hour, but he’d stayed in bed, breathing slowly against Nakamaru's back and waiting for Nakamaru to wake up. He’d chosen to stay then, but he’d also chosen to accept Nakamaru's flight. Because Nakamaru was important enough for Ueda to respect his decision. Later Ueda tells himself that he hadn’t gone after Nakamaru because he is lazy and doesn't really like working hard for things. They always work themselves out the way they should. He certainly hadn’t been scared.
*
It's not like Nakamaru is hung up on the past or anything. He barely thinks of his old love these days. Ever since then, he’d tried his best to straighten himself up in so many senses. He's been dating people-mostly girls, he makes sure to have fun, and he enjoys his life. Sitting home and brooding isn't what one should be doing. So what if enjoying life for him means being boring as some claim, being like an old man? He likes that he gets to study and watch soccer at night and read the books he wants and travel a lot. Many laugh and tease. Ueda does too, but he also tells Nakamaru he is responsible and that someone has to be. So Nakamaru takes him on trips as a reward. Or just because they're still good friends, feel good in each other's company, and Ueda doesn't care about what Nakamaru does and if it is lame or not. As long as he feels good with Nakamaru, he hangs out with him.
Nakamaru has watched Ueda grow, find himself, become beautiful and willful and completely himself. He wonders how Ueda turned into this cutely selfish, confident young man, when he found his own world that involves boxing buddies and friends Nakamaru knows nothing about, when he became this interested in girls and when he completely dropped his serious face. He saw it happen, but now it feels surreal, and Nakamaru can't pinpoint the exact moment, the moment Ueda had become who he is now.
Sometimes it feels like Ueda is completely different than he used to be. He is definitely different than his image; he likes solo work, trolls KAT-TUN interviews, teases Nakamaru and does as he pleases. But he is still as beautiful as when they were barely adults, he still likes the same music and composes heartfelt ballads, and Nakamaru has caught him wrapped in his long sweater staring at the stars from the small terrace or some other place a couple times on tour. When they are together, he switches between two modes, one-excited and full of energy, talking about girls, boxing and silly things, and the other-quiet, thoughtful, wrapped in a mystery he used to fabricate on purpose, a dreamer whom Nakamaru can't touch.
It feels like Nakamaru can't touch either of Ueda's sides. That despite them hanging out together, talking more between themselves than with the rest of KAT-TUN and knowing more about each other, they have become more of acquaintances than close friends. Mostly Nakamaru doesn't mind. But then he does because he catches himself wondering where the real Ueda went. Or which Ueda is real. Or whether what Ueda is showing him is true or false. If he keeps up his facade or shows Nakamaru who he really is. When he keeps his game face and when it is really him. Nakamaru realizes he is upset with himself because he doesn't know.
In reality, one day Nakamaru realizes he is thinking about Ueda a bit too much.
He really wishes he could just stop. That just like with so many things, he could just let be, let it flow. But he and Ueda meet every week in a recording studio, and it is this barely an hour of time they spend together that makes Nakamaru think about it more than anything else. When alone or when in group, there are patterns they fall into, dynamics they follow. When on screen or in concert, there is a scenario to follow, the roles they play. On radio, no one can see them. There should still be roles and patterns, but what comes first is the need to fill in an hour, to react instantly, to make the show interesting, to draw in the listeners, to work with each other so that the flow is good. They banter three times more on air than in private, really.
There is just a general outline of what they are going to talk about, but the whole show is more ad-libbing than anything else. Listeners are crazy, the radio staff even more, and Ueda has been so set to make this work from the very beginning that he seems to let go completely, managing to shock Nakamaru every other episode.
In the beginning, it had been easier to read Ueda. He would look at Nakamaru, and his eyes would sparkle like back in the times when his biggest joy was Gackt's new single or a line of accessories resembling Gackt's going on sale. Nakamaru could brace himself against Ueda's next attack then, against the teasing he knew would come. When Ueda looked sideways behind the glass panel where the staff sat, Nakamaru would know he is going to the extreme. When he would give Nakamaru one long, searching look, Nakamaru knew he was thinking really hard and he needed to talk more. But then one day Ueda came into the studio with thick sunglasses that covered half of his face. With this disguise, most of Nakamaru's advantage disappeared. The show got juicy, Ueda got even more playful and Nakamaru got so much to think about, his head would spin.
“You know I liked you better when you had eyes, not big black goggles on top of your face,” Nakamaru says after three episodes of being frustrated and being caught off guard by Ueda's mischief one too many times.
Ueda looks a bit startled; they are usually so talked out after the recordings that they stay mostly silent as they pack up after the show is over. “But they are like deep black pools you could get lost in,” he says after a minute, hint of teasing in his voice.
Nakamaru just shakes his head. “It's unfair,” he mutters.
Ueda turns around and grins at him. “But it is much more fun,” he says and pats Nakamaru on the shoulder.
Nakamaru sighs and watches Ueda leave. The next day he texts Koki, wanting help in devising a plan to steal the glasses. Koki texts back, laughing at him and saying that he must listen to the show sometime soon. That and Ueda was faster, buying Koki over with a six-pack of beer and new sneakers, so that he would not interfere.
*
Ueda knows that Nakamaru relies on his reactions during R-One a lot. But it makes him conscious of them because this means that Nakamaru is watching him all the time, following his every expression and every change of mood. The day that Nakamaru adds Ueda's name into a lame (and very fitting) love confession, Ueda buys those sunglasses. Over the years, this same pair becomes his regular companion, effectively covering up anything Ueda's eyes can't hide.
*
It goes on for so many years that Nakamaru almost stops flinching as they discuss all aspects of their private lives late at night while people listen. Be it their mothers or sisters, their trips and sleeping arrangements, old times and their antics, driving to work together, Ueda's petty regrets from his all-boys’ school or Nakamaru's normality and dating preferences. It all becomes one big show that leaves them both numb after just an hour of talking and hiding from their listeners behind each other as much as from each other. Nakamaru still likes to analyze Ueda too much, but doesn't think it’s strange anymore, and Ueda remains the cool brat who hides behind his quick lies and deep laugh.
“Don't you ever feel like one day, there won't be anything else to talk about?” Koki once asks them over beers.
Nakamaru only shrugs.
“Junno can just pun the rest of the show then,” Ueda laughs and Koki grabs his shoulder and shakes him.
“That's what I dread the most,” he says, and Junno pats him on the head from his seat while Kame giggles silently into his beer as he watches them.
“You didn't answer,” Koki pouts and turns to Nakamaru again.
“We have corners; there's always something,” he says and before he can contribute more, Ueda is laughing again.
“If all else fails, Nakamaru will bore us all with his soccer talk, and I will annoy the hell out of him until he thinks of better topics to talk about,” he explains and winks at Nakamaru.
“What does that mean?” Nakamaru actually gets offended. Plus what is it with Ueda winking at him? He can't really wink anyway.
“Ueda-kun knows Nakamaru well,” Junno observes. “It would be enough for them to just bicker like this.”
“Soccer is not all I talk about,” Nakamaru mutters, and Kame just fills his glass with more beer. I'm not boring, Nakamaru wants to add. Ueda shrugs, and the talk turns elsewhere.
The hand on Nakamaru's shoulder startles him a little as he heads out of the bar that night.
“You are mad,” Ueda says as he falls into a light step next to him and Nakamaru notes that somehow Ueda is not drunk at all.
“Why would I be mad?” Nakamaru asks, irritated.
“I don't know. But you would not look at me all evening, and you stopped talking about our plans and what we should do. Kame had no partner in crime in making us slave for the new image of KAT-TUN.”
“What, does that bore you too?” Nakamaru asks, past caring whether he will argue with Ueda tonight or not. Ueda doesn't argue much anymore, not with him anyway, but it would be worth making him mad for once.
“Is this about me saying that you talking about soccer is boring? But you know I don't care about the game. I thought-”
“Don't. Don't think or assume. You don't know me that well.”
“Oh, so it's not about being boring,” Ueda stops, and Nakamaru does too even though he should just keep walking to make his point.
“What is wrong with knowing you?” Ueda asks quietly after a moment.
“You . . . don't know me that well. Not any better than I know you,” Nakamaru splutters and then starts walking again.
Ueda doesn't follow Nakamaru right away but catches up with him when he is climbing into a taxi he stopped.
“I don't feel like going home yet,” Ueda says, and Nakamaru stays silent until Ueda gives the driver Nakamaru's home address.
Nakamaru disappears into his bedroom when they get into his apartment and doesn't plan on coming out. He only does an hour later when he hears his TV making strange noises. He finds Ueda trying and failing to start some video game. He only joins him because he wants to show him how hopeless he is and to beat him just for the heck of it. Ueda doesn't seem to be bothered by this one loss. He slumps into Nakamaru's couch and heaves a long sigh.
“I like knowing things about you. Even those we don't mention on the radio. But I can stop if it bothers you,” he says quietly, and Nakamaru only gets angry again because it is so unexpected, and how dare Ueda say so when Nakamaru feels so shut out of Ueda's life? But he doesn't want to shut Ueda out.
Without an answer, Nakamaru stays silent until he hears light snoring and realizes Ueda has fallen asleep. He leaves him there and brings him a blanket.
“I just want to know you too,” he mutters in the end and goes to sleep.
*
Ueda gets up in the morning, folds the blanket and leaves before Nakamaru wakes up, not wanting to put him on spot. He doesn't know what yesterday meant and wishes he’d stayed up a little longer. Maybe Nakamaru would have eventually answered his question then. Maybe then, they could both move on a little.
*
The rumors during the next show get truly ridiculous. Nakamaru likes girls, okay. Most of the time anyway. But he is no crazy womanizer, and this is going from bad to worse. Then Ueda announces that Nakamaru doesn't go to go-kons at all. What does he know? The question bubbles inside Nakamaru. How can Ueda be so sure about him?
So he almost misses it. It is such a silly statement anyway. Ueda talking about how Nakamaru acts cool around other people, telling everyone that he calms down when Nakamaru is with him. When it registers, he startles a little. What on earth does that mean? And why does it seem to matter? For the rest of the episode he is slightly frazzled, keeping up on instinct, accusing Ueda of being too much into girls and not knowing whether he should deny or stress that he likes them too.
He slums face first into the table after the show ends and is startled when Ueda ruffles his hair a few moments later.
“That was fun,” he mutters. “Everyone wants to know Nakamaru-kun better.”
Nakamaru looks up. “So I hear.”
Ueda's hand freezes a little on his shoulder, but then he only rolls his eyes.
“It's not like this is the first time we had this section. You like this corner.”
“Uhm.” Nakamaru has no strength to argue, and he can't possibly explain why he is so confused and exhausted this time around. Not to Ueda anyway.
“Do you want to go out for a drink?” Ueda asks when Nakamaru finally starts picking up his things.
“No training tonight?” Nakamaru asks automatically, knowing Ueda usually heads for the gym after the recording.
“I thought I would skip it today,” Ueda mutters.
“There's no reason to,” Nakamaru says when he finds Ueda looking at him, sunglasses finally off, watching him pack from the doorway with an expression Nakamaru can't read even though it is not hidden.
Ueda turns on his heel and leaves.
*
“Naka-something or something. I am to tell you that Ueda doesn't like girls all that much,” Jin tells Nakamaru into the phone two days later.
“What?” Nakamaru doesn't get it.
“Well that is a lie, but pretend Ueda actually wanted me to pass the message on.” Jin laughs. “I'm hanging up now.”
Nakamaru calls Jin back a few hours later when it is a normal hour in Tokyo.
“Explain,” he says.
Jin yawns. “Do not want to,” he mutters.
“I will tell Kame you took his favorite scarf with you,” Nakamaru threatens.
“You selfish ass,” Jin whines.
“Well you shouldn't have asked me to help you steal it.”
Jin sighs. “I heard things. You are fighting with Ueda? And you think he likes girls too much. Are you stupid? Half of the nonsense he says about them is what I taught him. I'm pretty sure he was taking notes as I was giving him lessons on how to perv on girls. I always wanted to brag about what a great creation of mine he is in this area.”
Jin says it all quickly then yawns again. “Can I go back to sleep now?”
“Why are you even telling me this. It's not like I care.”
“I just felt like having a one to one confessional with you,” Jin grumbles.
Nakamaru hangs up.
*
“Jin is an idiot,” Ueda tells Nakamaru the next time they see each other. He doesn't know what Jin had told Nakamaru, mostly because Jin doesn't remember much either, having been half drunk and half asleep that night. But with the way Nakamaru is looking at him, Ueda wishes Jin was closer so that he could strangle him.
“Okay,” Nakamaru says slowly. “I didn't know you two talked much.”
“We don't really,” Ueda muses. “And you never asked.”
“Would you tell me? If I asked?”
“What is up with you these days? It's not like I'm hiding things from you.” Ueda sighs.
“Jin says otherwise,” Nakamaru mutters.
“Jin is an idiot,” Kame says from the doorway, and then strides into the dressing room. “And you two are acting strange.”
Ueda thinks the same, but he would never admit to knowing the reason why.
*
Everything adds up for Nakamaru after that, from the night in his apartment and Ueda's strange talk of knowing Nakamaru to Jin's random pieces of information and Ueda saying, ever so coolly, that Nakamaru calms him down. It all boils down to this mix of thought and dreams Nakamaru bubbles with. To the feelings that he slowly catches the edges off. His own feelings and hopes for the feelings Ueda might have. But maybe Nakamaru is just dreaming those up. Because slowly Ueda is crawling into his dreams too.
Nakamaru wants to talk things through with Ueda before he dips too deep into this reoccurring fantasy. He still remembers the pain of the last time when he had to give it up. These days he remembers much more vividly than he used to. But he doesn't really want to be alone with Ueda either. He doesn't know how he would even start. What he would say. How could he admit how much he has thought of the other? How could he admit how much he wants to know about him when he can't even define what it is he wants to know?
Then Jin calls him again.
“I'm drunk again,” he announces. “Kame says it's my fault you and Ueda are acting strange.”
“We are just fine,” Nakamaru answers, crossed.
“So I should fix it. Listen carefully,” Jin stammers, and Nakamaru considers hanging up on him again.
“Ueda is gay, well mostly,” Jin says. Nakamaru doesn't hang up after all.
“And you love him,” Jin says and chuckles. “You are pretty obvious too. Or I always thought so. But Ueda doesn't know, so maybe I am just that observant.”
“You are drunk and you went even more stupid from it,” Nakamaru manages to answer, taking deep breaths.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Jin laughs. “Have a nice day!”
Nakamaru doesn't have a nice day. He stumbles through it, like someone hit him in the head. Jin had-with a realization of something he wasn't ready to admit yet. But now it all lingers in the air around him, and he makes his manager reschedule his next few interviews, deciding to avoid Ueda until he sorts himself out again. Until he is able to file all this into the back of his head, devises a plan to destroy Akanishi Jin and moves on. For good.
*
Ueda decides to take his sunglasses off for the next R-One recording. But whatever he’d been hoping to achieve is halted when Nakamaru doesn't even spare him a glance, let alone look at him to search for Ueda's emotions or the next step how he usually does. He keeps his eyes on his papers, like the whole show is written in those few notes in front of him. It is possibly the most awkward show since they had started airing five years ago, and Ueda kicks Nakamaru underneath the table few minutes before it ends, feeling only a little sorry when he sees the tears of pain and restraint appearing in the corners of Nakamaru's eyes. At least he looks up, startled and accusing for a brief moment. Ueda tries to hold the eye contact, but Nakamaru only flinches and goes back to looking at the table.
Ueda doesn't say anything after the show, trying to think of a way out of this mess they seem to be in.
“Did you break your glasses? Or did you finally get tired of torturing me?” Nakamaru asks quietly when his things are packed, and Ueda knows he wants to fly right away. Nakamaru is good at running away from him after all. But Ueda has learned to recognize the signs over the years.
“Neither,” he says honestly and makes sure he and Nakamaru end up in the same taxi yet again.
*
“This is entirely too much effort,” Ueda says once they are in Nakamaru's apartment.
Nakamaru doesn't like to hear that. He makes sure he is looking at his feet, not at Ueda.
“I don't remember doing anything to bring the wrath and ignorance of Nakamaru on me,” Ueda continues into the silence, walking into the kitchen to get something to drink. “Please elaborate so we can move on,” he adds and still sounds so calm about it all.
“I can't.” Nakamaru wants to shout at the mention of ‘moving on’. “I can't . . .”
“Of course you can. You are going to sit down on your couch and tell me what is going on.” Ueda does not remember when he last used this tone. It feels like talking to Akanishi and Kamenashi back in days when he’d been the leader and those two were making silly pacts against him.
Nakamaru bites his lip. “Why even bother?” he mutters and watches in amazement as Ueda stomps towards him and his ears get red. He shakes Nakamaru, and okay so maybe Nakamaru deserves it. He gets that he hasn't been as composed lately, and isn't that why Ueda hangs around him?
“I can't act cool around you all the time,” Nakamaru says, and tries to pry Ueda's fingers off his arms. But Ueda just holds on, and it reminds Nakamaru of the night many years ago. It lasts only several heartbeats more before Ueda slides his hands down to Nakamaru's elbows and lets go, looking at him with dark eyes that glow with something sad.
“I'm just going to hang around for a while,” Ueda sighs in the end and slides open the door to the balcony. He sits there, on the cold tiles, knees to his chin, wrapped in his sweater and doesn't ask anymore. Nakamaru doesn't know what to do with him, but in that moment he looks somehow close, completely familiar and maybe completely himself. He is not leaving, not throwing tantrums or making fun, he just exists there-in Nakamaru's apartment, and Nakamaru realizes he is actually being persistent. Again. Again because he's been coming over more than ever in the past couple of weeks, not really asking much more past Nakamaru's company. Somehow Ueda is the one seeking it, not the other way around, and suddenly that is important. Suddenly it feels like this is patience and maybe a plea. Only Ueda never really talked about feelings outside of the songs. Not about his own anyway. Not about those he’d felt in the given moment. And ever since the night so long ago, Nakamaru had stopped asking about them like he used to, prying them slowly from under the cover of Ueda's defenses and principles.
They end up sitting there next to each other.
“I'm acting like a butt hurt teenager, aren't I?” Nakamaru asks.
Somehow, Ueda laughs into his knees. “Well who told you off then?” he asks hesitantly.
“You did,” Nakamaru risks it, “and we weren't teenagers but close enough,” he adds into the silence. It is kind of screaming at him, and it only stops when Ueda takes a sharp breath.
“Or maybe I should say I got ignored and that kind of . . . hurt,” Nakamaru mumbles. Ueda's hand shoots to Nakamaru's elbow and grips it. It seems they both know what they are talking about.
“Are you an idiot?” Ueda stands up abruptly. “Is that why you are mad? Because of what I didn't do, years ago? Now? You ran away!”
It's fascinating, the way Ueda goes from calm and melancholic to almost livid within seconds, pulling Nakamaru up as well and shaking him.
“You ran away. And you keep doing it, and now you get mad? Why? What? I . . .” Ueda stares at Nakamaru, breathing hard and biting his lip, probably trying not to say something like-
“You are an idiot,” and then he is shaking Nakamaru again.
He is still at it when Nakamaru reaches out for Ueda's collar and pulls him forwards, making them practically collide, painful and too fast. But he finds Ueda's lips, bitten and glistening with his rage, and Nakamaru kisses them hard. He sees that night years ago playing out in his head and has no answers for Ueda anyway. He knows just as well that this is crazy, and he has probably lost his mind somewhere along the way because he feels just as strongly as he did back then, wants Ueda just as much, only this time Ueda is strong enough, equal or maybe even more than that, someone who seems to have much more sanity and will than Nakamaru, someone who doesn't need protecting.
Ueda's hands move up this time, up around Nakamaru's shoulders, to the back of his neck and into his hair, and when he tilts his head and kisses Nakamaru back, that is when Nakamaru finally stops thinking.
“I should be so mad,” Ueda bites out into his hair when Nakamaru moves down his jaw and sucks at the vein pulsing so fast in the crook of Ueda's neck.
“Yeah.” Nakamaru grabs Ueda's sides and pulls him towards his bedroom.
They almost make it to the bed before Ueda stops again and pushes Nakamaru to an arm-length's distance.
Nakamaru opens his mouth to say something. Something about him being an idiot, maybe something about being in love, something about how little he understands, but nothing comes out as be barely manages to catch his breath.
“Slow down,” is all Ueda says after staring him down, his own chest heaving, hair already messy. Then his fingers are running down Nakamaru's front and sneaking underneath his shirt. He fumbles with the buttons and laughs nervously when his fingers get tangled in the fabric. Nakamaru pulls at the end of Ueda's sweater, brings him closer and pushes it off Ueda's shoulders, as clumsy as the other in the process. He shakes from anticipation, feeling like they are moving in slow motion, and it takes forever before Ueda's fingers are splayed against Nakamaru's stomach, and they are close enough to kiss again.
Minutes later they fall to bed, naked and flushed, lying on their sides, their forehands pressed together as Ueda runs a finger up Nakamaru's cock then closes his fist around the tip and drags his hand down. Nakamaru's tongue just about reaches Ueda's lips so he moves closer, hand sliding down Ueda's hip and onto his ass. Ueda's breath hitches, and Nakamaru pushes and pulls until they are aligned and Ueda has his fingers wrapped around both of them. His head is thrown back and his leg is thrown over Nakamaru's thigh. He is arching and making small sounds in the back of his throat, and Nakamaru is caught up in only watching as he slowly starts to tremble.
Then Ueda's body snaps into a beautiful curve and he falls backwards, automatically bringing Nakamaru half on top of himself, shuddering.
“Do you have anything?” he asks, his voice low and quiet. He looks into Nakamaru's eyes, without any shame, his face showing everything, and Nakamaru scrambles away from him to dig for a tube of lube.
When he turns back, Ueda shifts a bit and draws his legs to his chest silently. Nakamaru freezes, and Ueda has to reach for his hand, pulling him in between his legs.
“Don't back out now,” Ueda hisses, holding Nakamaru's wrist over his stomach. Nakamaru shakes his head sharply then looks down, willing himself not to tremble.
“I won't,” he whispers and leans down, his hand moving over Ueda's tense abdomen, lower and slower while he kisses Ueda's thigh. Ueda is watching him from beneath his damp fringe, tongue peaking out, and Nakamaru can't look away until Ueda's eyes roll into the back of his head when Nakamaru's palm drags down his cock. He slicks his fingers, slowly losing the resolve to go slow as Ueda shivers and groans. He sucks at the soft skin on his thigh and finally pushes a finger inside Ueda.
“Oh god, so hot,” he murmurs against the skin and Ueda moans.
“More,” he whispers and Nakamaru pushes another finger in right away, moving his wrist, stroking Ueda's on the inside until suddenly Ueda's hand shoots into Nakamaru's short hair, pulling.
Nakamaru is dragged up, and Ueda muffles his moans with his mouth, their kisses sloppy, but it is all they can manage as Nakamaru rubs more against the place he found then adds another finger and presses deeper and faster. Ueda dips his nails to his shoulder blades, his hips rocking against Nakamaru's hand.
“Fuck me,” he suddenly breathes against Nakamaru's lips, and Nakamaru pulls his fingers away so quickly that Ueda's next moan is laced with a hint of pain.
Then Nakamaru is pushing in, and Ueda is wrapping his legs around him and forcing him deeper. The tightness is still too much, and Nakamaru's back curls from the effort to stay still, his head hidden in the crook of Ueda's neck. They move at the same time; Nakamaru's hips snap to meet the roll of Ueda's own and they are rocking too fast from the start, making up for the slow build up, wrapped in each other, around each other, Nakamaru clinging embarrassingly to Ueda's sides.
Ueda may have asked Nakamaru to slow down, but now he is the one fuelling Nakamaru to move faster, to fuck him harder, and Nakamaru can only follow, pushing both of them closer and higher-too good and too fast. They are both getting frantic when Ueda's right hand moves from Nakamaru's back and covers Nakamaru's left hand on Ueda's hip. Nakamaru feels the pleasure in his every nerve, his skin burning anywhere it meets Ueda's. He is almost gone, when Ueda squeezes his hand.
“Please,” he breathes out, and his hand moves back to Nakamaru's back. Nakamaru slides his fingers across Ueda's stomach, and Ueda tightens around him even before he wraps them around his cock. Then he is throwing his head back, left hand pulling at Nakamaru's hair, the right one digging into his ass, and he is spilling over Nakamaru's fingers. Nakamaru comes right after. The orgasm wipes everything away, everything but the tangle of their limbs and their need for each other.
Nakamaru tries to move away, but Ueda only lets him reach for some tissues to clean them up. Then he is wrapping his arms around his waist, as they lie on their sides, their foreheads pressed together yet again, breaths mingling.
*
In the morning Ueda wakes up first. He decides to stay in bed, leaning his back against Nakamaru's and waiting. Then Nakamaru finally moves, sitting up abruptly, and Ueda feels him fidgeting on the bed. He feels it dip, and Nakamaru gets up but then sinks back into covers.
“If you walk out on me again, you are the biggest idiot ever,” Ueda mumbles, not turning around.
Nakamaru jumps up on the bed from surprise. Ueda bites his lip and grabs the corner of the sheet, crumpling it in his fist.
“I didn't want to . . . back then,” Nakamaru doesn't finish, not really.
“You ran away. But then I let you. I thought it was what you wanted,” Ueda admits. It is easier not to look at Nakamaru. He feels Nakamaru slide down and move closer.
Soon enough Nakamaru's chest is rising and falling against Ueda's back, and he closes his eyes. Ueda wonders why it took them years to have their awkward morning after. Then Nakamaru slides his foot down Ueda's calf, and Ueda thinks the only thing missing are cheesy love declarations.
“The past few years, I couldn't read you at all. That's why I was so mad at you,”
“You could have just asked. You used to do it all the time.” Ueda wriggles and tries to turn around.
“Stay still, will you? This is embarrassing enough as it is,” Nakamaru tells him and grips Ueda's hip to keep him in place.
“I really don't want to go back to that day anymore,” Nakamaru says after a moment. Then, “Tatsuya? Do you . . . do you love me?”
Ueda can barely hear him even though the words are whispered against his ear. His blood is pulsing in his temples, and Nakamaru's heart is beating erratically against his back. “Because I think I love you. Again or still and . . .”
“Yeah,” is all Ueda says. He manages to turn around in Nakamaru's arms this time.
Nakamaru is staring at him and his lower lip is trembling a little. So Ueda kisses him.
*
“You are wearing those stupid glasses again,” Nakamaru says bitterly when he meets Ueda before the next recording.
“That is not true,” Ueda says cheerfully, “These are new and have thicker glass. I picked them up thinking especially of you.” he says, flashing Nakamaru a smile.
“This is so unfair,” Nakamaru sighs.
“But it is much more fun,” Ueda replies.
He also gropes Nakamaru under the table the entire show. The next week they get to read a flood of letters about how sexy Nakamaru's voice got, and Ueda decides they will dedicate an entire show to just reading them.
end
Mataining Laptops
A/N: Dear snowaltz,I know I didn't really use your prompts to the fullest. I really wanted to write you something centered around R-One, if only because I am grateful for all the translation of them you did in the past. But I may have failed even that. You have every right to throw this back at me or something because I know it is more dramatic than usual, and I wonder if that is a good thing. But I was honored to be bid on by you and am thankful for the money this made for the good cause. I really hope you won't regret it.
And well since I didn't make it in time for Nakamaru's birthday, I am hoping this will reach you in perfect time for yours. Happy birthday, have a great day and lovely all next year (and many more) ♥ Lastly, thanks for waiting patiently for me.
♥